I should have been excited about today. After all it was the LAST day of school for the year! In reality we stopped actual teaching a while ago in order to focus more on packing up the classroom. There comes a certain liberation in being freed from the classroom itself for the summer though. While the kids can be challenging at times, I find the rest of the teaching world to be quite exhausting. This includes, but is certainly not limited to, waking up daily at 5:30am, providing counseling regarding personal issues, rubrics, grades, and assessments to both teachers and assistants alike, delving into the political minefield of teacher-teacher relationships as well as teacher-principal relationships, avoiding certain parents who are certifiable stalkers, and maintaining my composure during hour long meetings in which complaints are numberous and solutions few.
This year, although I was happy for the summer to begin, I was also grieving because I'm not entirely sure if I'm coming back next year or not. The plan was for me to move to 1st grade with this class. The letter sitting on my kitchen table states otherwise. Now, I realize that this isn't necessarily the end. Lots of things can change by the end of August and there may indeed be a reinstatement of my position. My thoughts on which way it'll go depends on the mood I'm in on any given day.
I left today without saying goodbyes. Ryan asked me if he'd see me next year in first grade. I had too much of a lump in my throat to answer him, so I simply gave him a hug and told him to have a good summer. Some of the other staff members asked if they would see me next year as well. My standard reply - "I don't know, hopefully". I couldn't bear the thought of not being in the building everyday and seeing these people who have become my friends, and so I left without saying any permanent goodbyes.
For now I'll continue to pray that I get an e-mail or a phone call with good news for September.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Friday, June 25, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Memories
In honor of my Grandma's 90th birthday I wrote her a poem. I honestly didn't know what else to get her as a gift. It's probably not the best writing ever, but it does come from my heart.
Memories
I remember sleepovers
sheer white curtains blowing in the back bedroom
violets on the plant stand.
I remember family get togethers
playing with my cousins in the backyard
while the adults sat around and chatted.
I remember Christmas Eves
the plays, the singing, the Norwegian desserts
singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus
opening and playing with our presents.
I remember Sundays
you always sat in the second left side pew
afterwards we'd walk you and Grandpa to the corner
listening to the discussions you'd have with my Dad.
I remember you always being there
graduations, concerts, recitals, award ceremonies
always proud of my accomplishments.
I remember sporadic visits to your house
I always knew I was welcomed
and you always had a snack.
I remember laundry on the clothesline
books by the couch, games in the closet,
laughter in the air.
Thank you for all the wonderful memories you gave me.
Have a wonderful 90th birthday!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A Step in the Right Direction....
After a week of waiting I finally got an answer to what I'm doing for income this summer. I was told that the position at Jawanio was no longer available because the girl who had said she was taking the summer off decided to stay. I actually anticipated an answer like this...not that the position was no longer available, but I got the feeling that I wouldn't be working for Jawanio in a classroom setting.
As soon as I got off the phone I made a call to Huntington, where I've previously worked as a tutor. I was immediately put back on their schedule starting July 6th. Although this wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, I also know that this is exactly the place where God wants me to be working this summer.
I left Huntington for a few reasons back in October. One of them was the fact that I never had a set schedule. This is the very nature of the business - I could work 2 hours a week or I could work 20. Sometimes I start out being scheduled for 20 and only end up working 10. Other weeks I start out with 2 hrs of scheduled time and end up working 10 hrs. Steady income, tutoring is not. Some of the other drawbacks were a payraise freeze, being left in charge of the entire building on short notice, and always being asked to do extra things, like run meetings, without any sort of compensation.
Some of the perks of working there included having an extremely flexible schedule, being respected by those who worked there, and sometimes actually working in a stress-free environment. In case you're wondering - those days are usually not the same ones where I suddenly find myself in charge or the building. Another perk is continuing to build a relationship with my boss Krista.
Last summer I got to know Krista a little better. I learned that she would like to go back to church, that she actually lives across the street from the church I'm a member of, and that she knows a few of my friends at church (it's a very small world). Since I left Huntington, I've lost contact with Krista, so I'm thankful for the opportunity to reconnect.
There are still a lot of questions I have unanswered as to what direction the rest of my life is going on. I'm just thankful that I have additional income this summer, which hopefully means that I'll be financially stable for the next two months. After that, I have no idea. Fortunately God does and that gives me a great sense of comfort.
As soon as I got off the phone I made a call to Huntington, where I've previously worked as a tutor. I was immediately put back on their schedule starting July 6th. Although this wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, I also know that this is exactly the place where God wants me to be working this summer.
I left Huntington for a few reasons back in October. One of them was the fact that I never had a set schedule. This is the very nature of the business - I could work 2 hours a week or I could work 20. Sometimes I start out being scheduled for 20 and only end up working 10. Other weeks I start out with 2 hrs of scheduled time and end up working 10 hrs. Steady income, tutoring is not. Some of the other drawbacks were a payraise freeze, being left in charge of the entire building on short notice, and always being asked to do extra things, like run meetings, without any sort of compensation.
Some of the perks of working there included having an extremely flexible schedule, being respected by those who worked there, and sometimes actually working in a stress-free environment. In case you're wondering - those days are usually not the same ones where I suddenly find myself in charge or the building. Another perk is continuing to build a relationship with my boss Krista.
Last summer I got to know Krista a little better. I learned that she would like to go back to church, that she actually lives across the street from the church I'm a member of, and that she knows a few of my friends at church (it's a very small world). Since I left Huntington, I've lost contact with Krista, so I'm thankful for the opportunity to reconnect.
There are still a lot of questions I have unanswered as to what direction the rest of my life is going on. I'm just thankful that I have additional income this summer, which hopefully means that I'll be financially stable for the next two months. After that, I have no idea. Fortunately God does and that gives me a great sense of comfort.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Facing Disapointment
So the other day I was reading about Elijah. I like Elijah. His life is full or ups and downs, kind of like mine. Actually, the part I was reading about had more to do with the widow and her son than it did Elijah. Here's this poor widow just trying to survive in the midst of a horrible famine. She meets Elijah on the night that she is preparing her last meal for her and her son before they die. Maybe it's a bit overdramatic, but sometimes life does feel that way. Elijah comes to her and asks her to share what little bit she has left. The Bible doesn't record what she says, but I believe that I can actually feel her frustration with this request because there are times when I barely have anything left to give and it seems that God asks just a little bit more from me. I actually start to feel resentment when this happens. Thankfully that feeling goes away.
Anyway....so the widow decides to share her meager supplies and she and her son survive....for a while. Then, out of the blue, her son dies. Now, this is where life gets really hard. You're at the end of your rope, you are given a brief glimpse of hope, and then everything falls apart anyway. It seems like cruel and unusual punishment. This is where I'm at right now.
In my last post I wrote about one of my messy days and how there was one bright spot during the day in which I got a phone call from Jawanio about a summer job. Not only a summer job, but the perfect summer job it seemed because it would start on July 12th and go until Aug. 20th from 8:30am - 2pm. It was perfect hours - it let me sleep in a little longer and gave me plenty of time to pick up Jeremy from camp. It was the perfect days because it allowed me to feel some sense of having a vacation, yet still get a steady paycheck. The unknowns were the exact job responsibilities as well as pay. When I talked to Laura (my HR person) she gave me this woman Gail's extension. I was told that Gail was very excited to meet me and that I'd need to come in soon just to talk things over. When I talked with Gail she made it sound as if we were just having an informational meeting. Later, when I talked with Laura again I was told that the "talk" was actually a formal interview. Laura was convinced that I'd be given the job right then and there and even said that she'd call later in the day to arrange a time for me to pick up some additional forms and to be fingerprinted (yet again). In my mind I had the job - plain and simple.
Or not. The interview was, um, very different than what I expected. Gail's questions all centered on my future goals. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"and "If you were reinstated by Clarkstown would you return?" (honestly, she already knew the answer to that one) were some of the questions she asked me. In addition, she made the comment that "public school ta's often have a hard time with this job because they're used to sitting all day and having the kids bring them work. They're not used to getting down and dirty with the kids." OK, so I'm not quite sure what to think at this point. And then she tells me that she'll call next week with her decision. Next week?!?! Really? I look at her confused and then tell her about Laura calling me later that night about paperwork. Gail's response? "Well, Laura wants everything done yesterday. I have another person interviewing for the position though....either later today or sometime tomorrow....I can't remember. But it wouldn't be fair to make a decision right now." Another person interviewing?!?!?
Maybe I won't have the "perfect" summer job after all. As if that weren't enough, I had a meeting with my principal on Friday. When I asked her about being rehired in the fall she informed me that everything was based on senority in the district. Being hired in Dec. 2008 doesn't give me a whole lot of senority, so my chances of not coming back just rose. My principal also informed me that I should probably be taking a proactive approach to looking for another job - just friendly advice. She doesn't want to lose me, but she also knows that the odds aren't in my favor. Great...not only may I not have much of an income for the summer, but it's not looking too promising for the fall either.
The thing is I had already been in this position before. I wasn't sure about what I was doing for income during the summer and I already had the conversation about being let go from the school district. Then, I was given hope - the offer of a summer job as well as the budget passing which allowed for less cuts. I feel as though the rug has been swept out from under me.
I don't know for sure what became of the widow and her son. I do know that God answered Elijah's prayers and brought the widow's son back to life. I wonder if she had to endure even more disappointments along the road of life. Honestly, I'm not sure how to deal with disappointment. I know it hurts. I also know that God is good and that He'll continue to provide for me. I just wish I knew what that looked like sometimes.
Anyway....so the widow decides to share her meager supplies and she and her son survive....for a while. Then, out of the blue, her son dies. Now, this is where life gets really hard. You're at the end of your rope, you are given a brief glimpse of hope, and then everything falls apart anyway. It seems like cruel and unusual punishment. This is where I'm at right now.
In my last post I wrote about one of my messy days and how there was one bright spot during the day in which I got a phone call from Jawanio about a summer job. Not only a summer job, but the perfect summer job it seemed because it would start on July 12th and go until Aug. 20th from 8:30am - 2pm. It was perfect hours - it let me sleep in a little longer and gave me plenty of time to pick up Jeremy from camp. It was the perfect days because it allowed me to feel some sense of having a vacation, yet still get a steady paycheck. The unknowns were the exact job responsibilities as well as pay. When I talked to Laura (my HR person) she gave me this woman Gail's extension. I was told that Gail was very excited to meet me and that I'd need to come in soon just to talk things over. When I talked with Gail she made it sound as if we were just having an informational meeting. Later, when I talked with Laura again I was told that the "talk" was actually a formal interview. Laura was convinced that I'd be given the job right then and there and even said that she'd call later in the day to arrange a time for me to pick up some additional forms and to be fingerprinted (yet again). In my mind I had the job - plain and simple.
Or not. The interview was, um, very different than what I expected. Gail's questions all centered on my future goals. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"and "If you were reinstated by Clarkstown would you return?" (honestly, she already knew the answer to that one) were some of the questions she asked me. In addition, she made the comment that "public school ta's often have a hard time with this job because they're used to sitting all day and having the kids bring them work. They're not used to getting down and dirty with the kids." OK, so I'm not quite sure what to think at this point. And then she tells me that she'll call next week with her decision. Next week?!?! Really? I look at her confused and then tell her about Laura calling me later that night about paperwork. Gail's response? "Well, Laura wants everything done yesterday. I have another person interviewing for the position though....either later today or sometime tomorrow....I can't remember. But it wouldn't be fair to make a decision right now." Another person interviewing?!?!?
Maybe I won't have the "perfect" summer job after all. As if that weren't enough, I had a meeting with my principal on Friday. When I asked her about being rehired in the fall she informed me that everything was based on senority in the district. Being hired in Dec. 2008 doesn't give me a whole lot of senority, so my chances of not coming back just rose. My principal also informed me that I should probably be taking a proactive approach to looking for another job - just friendly advice. She doesn't want to lose me, but she also knows that the odds aren't in my favor. Great...not only may I not have much of an income for the summer, but it's not looking too promising for the fall either.
The thing is I had already been in this position before. I wasn't sure about what I was doing for income during the summer and I already had the conversation about being let go from the school district. Then, I was given hope - the offer of a summer job as well as the budget passing which allowed for less cuts. I feel as though the rug has been swept out from under me.
I don't know for sure what became of the widow and her son. I do know that God answered Elijah's prayers and brought the widow's son back to life. I wonder if she had to endure even more disappointments along the road of life. Honestly, I'm not sure how to deal with disappointment. I know it hurts. I also know that God is good and that He'll continue to provide for me. I just wish I knew what that looked like sometimes.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Messy Days
I very rarely do this...but I'm going out on a limb and being vulnerable and completely honest. For a while now I've been sensing that I need to become more vulnerable and so today I'm going to tell you about the messy side of my life. These are the days I wish I could redo...or skip altogether, but they are a part of life and we all have them unfortunately.
Yesterday I learned of two similar tragedies that happened to two different friends. My one friend Nasha was supposed to have a healthy baby girl...instead she succumbed to something that only 1% of women who go into labor develop. At 9:30am I learned that her baby had died unexpectedly and that she was fighting for her life. Finally I learned at 7:30pm that she was ok - at least in the physical sense. Later that same afternoon I learned that another friend also lost her baby and she was rather far along too. Basically it was just a day full of shock, numbness, and general sadness.
So today I woke up with some of those same feelings. I cried through breakfast. I did my devotional reading out of habit, but quite honestly barely remember any of it. Except the first part of the potion of Ecclesiastes I read which said "When people live to be very old, let them rejoice in every day of life. But let them also remember there will be many dark days. Everything still to come is meaningless." Yep...got to love Eccelesiastes to brighten life up a bit. Praying? Yeah....no...that really didn't happen today either.
Today at school was field day. As one of my students so aptly put it "it's wild out there - there are parents." Ah yes, a five year old with wisdom! And it was - wild and there were lots of parents. By 10:30am my students voluntarily got their rest mats to lay down and I wished I could join them. Later on during recess that same student who had been oh so wise earlier decided she needed to show me something. That something? A trapeeze like move on the fire engine jungle gym. She missed the bar and barely missed a landing that I thought for sure would paralize her. My heart literally stopped. Fortunately all that happened was a good scare and the wind knocked out of her.
In addition to this all of the staff at school are on edge because of all the changes taking place. Kelly is particularly stressed....adding to whatever stress I had before yesterday. By the end of the day I was beyond exhausted. I got in my car and promptly cried again.
A note of good news should be inserted here: I did get a call about a summer position which would be absolutely perfect. In the midst of all this I managed to set up the interview for tomorrow. Hopefully it's less of an emotional day.
On to Jeremy's house I go....and in the process of getting a migraine from lack of sleep and crying. Woo hoo. I take some imitrex. Jeremy is wonderful and even though by 3:30 my body is starting to go into pain and my back is killing me he doesn't mind getting the baseball for me or complain that I'm walking to first base instead of running. I have no ambition to push myself. By the time we get to social group I'm in such agonizing pain that sitting on a couch surrounded by pillows is painful - let alone doing anything. I am now counting down the minutes until I see the chiropractor over by Jeremy's house in Suffern.
This is where things get particularly exciting. See, over the past few weeks it's become a habit for Jeremy and I to go to Rockland Bakery after social group for a bagel. Now I have no desire to prolong our trip home and Jeremy just had a party at group since it was his last day so I proceed to go directly home. Jeremy then says to me "I want to go to Rockland Bakery." Uh oh. I explain that he just ate and that I was in the wrong lane and that we'd be home soon. Full. Blown. Temper. Tantrum.....and now I'm just counting down the minutes until we get home when....
TRAFFIC!!!! Like the entire westbound thruway is at a standstill. This doesn't help Jeremy's temper tantrum. And this is where I fully want to throw my own temper tantrum. Now I put in a phone call to his mom...complete with screaming and banging in the background...then I put in a call to the chiropractor - thankfully minus the screaming and banging. As we approached the thruway entrance (the Palisades Parkway was also backed up) Jeremy's dad called to tell me that he'd meet us at McDonald's in Nanuet. This would normally thrill me except for the fact that I still have to get to Suffern by 6:45.
We wait in line at McDonalds and I decide that I'm having a milkshake for dinner...just because. Jeremy's dad pays. I barely get out of the parking lot before the tears start again. Within 10 min I'm completely crying while navigating the backroads of Rockland County to get to Suffern. Amazingly this only took 15 min and I honestly had no idea where I was going.
I have an amazing chiropractor who stayed late just to help me...which he did because when I left the office I wasn't in any pain whatsoever and I felt like I could deal with life again....at least until tomorrow anyway.
Yesterday I learned of two similar tragedies that happened to two different friends. My one friend Nasha was supposed to have a healthy baby girl...instead she succumbed to something that only 1% of women who go into labor develop. At 9:30am I learned that her baby had died unexpectedly and that she was fighting for her life. Finally I learned at 7:30pm that she was ok - at least in the physical sense. Later that same afternoon I learned that another friend also lost her baby and she was rather far along too. Basically it was just a day full of shock, numbness, and general sadness.
So today I woke up with some of those same feelings. I cried through breakfast. I did my devotional reading out of habit, but quite honestly barely remember any of it. Except the first part of the potion of Ecclesiastes I read which said "When people live to be very old, let them rejoice in every day of life. But let them also remember there will be many dark days. Everything still to come is meaningless." Yep...got to love Eccelesiastes to brighten life up a bit. Praying? Yeah....no...that really didn't happen today either.
Today at school was field day. As one of my students so aptly put it "it's wild out there - there are parents." Ah yes, a five year old with wisdom! And it was - wild and there were lots of parents. By 10:30am my students voluntarily got their rest mats to lay down and I wished I could join them. Later on during recess that same student who had been oh so wise earlier decided she needed to show me something. That something? A trapeeze like move on the fire engine jungle gym. She missed the bar and barely missed a landing that I thought for sure would paralize her. My heart literally stopped. Fortunately all that happened was a good scare and the wind knocked out of her.
In addition to this all of the staff at school are on edge because of all the changes taking place. Kelly is particularly stressed....adding to whatever stress I had before yesterday. By the end of the day I was beyond exhausted. I got in my car and promptly cried again.
A note of good news should be inserted here: I did get a call about a summer position which would be absolutely perfect. In the midst of all this I managed to set up the interview for tomorrow. Hopefully it's less of an emotional day.
On to Jeremy's house I go....and in the process of getting a migraine from lack of sleep and crying. Woo hoo. I take some imitrex. Jeremy is wonderful and even though by 3:30 my body is starting to go into pain and my back is killing me he doesn't mind getting the baseball for me or complain that I'm walking to first base instead of running. I have no ambition to push myself. By the time we get to social group I'm in such agonizing pain that sitting on a couch surrounded by pillows is painful - let alone doing anything. I am now counting down the minutes until I see the chiropractor over by Jeremy's house in Suffern.
This is where things get particularly exciting. See, over the past few weeks it's become a habit for Jeremy and I to go to Rockland Bakery after social group for a bagel. Now I have no desire to prolong our trip home and Jeremy just had a party at group since it was his last day so I proceed to go directly home. Jeremy then says to me "I want to go to Rockland Bakery." Uh oh. I explain that he just ate and that I was in the wrong lane and that we'd be home soon. Full. Blown. Temper. Tantrum.....and now I'm just counting down the minutes until we get home when....
TRAFFIC!!!! Like the entire westbound thruway is at a standstill. This doesn't help Jeremy's temper tantrum. And this is where I fully want to throw my own temper tantrum. Now I put in a phone call to his mom...complete with screaming and banging in the background...then I put in a call to the chiropractor - thankfully minus the screaming and banging. As we approached the thruway entrance (the Palisades Parkway was also backed up) Jeremy's dad called to tell me that he'd meet us at McDonald's in Nanuet. This would normally thrill me except for the fact that I still have to get to Suffern by 6:45.
We wait in line at McDonalds and I decide that I'm having a milkshake for dinner...just because. Jeremy's dad pays. I barely get out of the parking lot before the tears start again. Within 10 min I'm completely crying while navigating the backroads of Rockland County to get to Suffern. Amazingly this only took 15 min and I honestly had no idea where I was going.
I have an amazing chiropractor who stayed late just to help me...which he did because when I left the office I wasn't in any pain whatsoever and I felt like I could deal with life again....at least until tomorrow anyway.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
A Horizon Moment
Today was one of those rare mornings where I spent the morning with a knot in my stomach. Normally mornings are somewhat stress free and the evenings bring on anxiety as the stress from the day takes its toll.
It's June 1st...rent is due and I knew I still had some checks to clear and honestly trying to figure out how much I'd be left with in my checking account left me feeling quite nauseated. It wouldn't have been quite so bad if I hadn't decided to get sick last week which resulted in doctors' copays and debits for prescriptions. That's not to say I'm not grateful for insurance because I am, but after awhile all of those copays add up.
And I'm trying to be careful with how I spend my money, but it's rather discouraging to constantly be in the position of not being able to pay my rent on time or to struggle with how to pay the monthy bills. So I sat on my couch this morning eating my breakfast and wondering how I was going to be able to handle this month financially. Oh, did I mention that I still don't have a job lined up for this summer? Yes I'm still babysitting Jeremy but that yields about $100 or a so a week on a good week....not quite enough to pay my $975 rent let alone the car and insurance bills. There's 19 more days of school left....most teachers can't wait for the end of school. Me? I'm dreading the end of the school year.
Anyway....I'm reading in my devotional book and these are the verses highlighted for today: Psalm 18:30 and Isaiah 41:13. Psalm 18:30 says "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." Isaiah 41:13 says "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
Now I'm thinking "that's great....can you help me out with the rent God?" Seriously...I'm thinking this as the knot starts to grow. I go to work with the phrase "Do no fear; I will help you" stuck in my head and eventually over the course of the morning I'm starting to feel less anxious.
When I come home there's a card in the mail. The card is from a friend who got a little bit extra from God and decided to share it with me. The check inside was for $300. After finally getting up the courage to look at my finances I realized that this actually brings me very close to what I need for rent this month. I get paid on Friday which will make up the difference.
Sometimes I actually get very clear and direct answers to my prayers.
It's June 1st...rent is due and I knew I still had some checks to clear and honestly trying to figure out how much I'd be left with in my checking account left me feeling quite nauseated. It wouldn't have been quite so bad if I hadn't decided to get sick last week which resulted in doctors' copays and debits for prescriptions. That's not to say I'm not grateful for insurance because I am, but after awhile all of those copays add up.
And I'm trying to be careful with how I spend my money, but it's rather discouraging to constantly be in the position of not being able to pay my rent on time or to struggle with how to pay the monthy bills. So I sat on my couch this morning eating my breakfast and wondering how I was going to be able to handle this month financially. Oh, did I mention that I still don't have a job lined up for this summer? Yes I'm still babysitting Jeremy but that yields about $100 or a so a week on a good week....not quite enough to pay my $975 rent let alone the car and insurance bills. There's 19 more days of school left....most teachers can't wait for the end of school. Me? I'm dreading the end of the school year.
Anyway....I'm reading in my devotional book and these are the verses highlighted for today: Psalm 18:30 and Isaiah 41:13. Psalm 18:30 says "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." Isaiah 41:13 says "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
Now I'm thinking "that's great....can you help me out with the rent God?" Seriously...I'm thinking this as the knot starts to grow. I go to work with the phrase "Do no fear; I will help you" stuck in my head and eventually over the course of the morning I'm starting to feel less anxious.
When I come home there's a card in the mail. The card is from a friend who got a little bit extra from God and decided to share it with me. The check inside was for $300. After finally getting up the courage to look at my finances I realized that this actually brings me very close to what I need for rent this month. I get paid on Friday which will make up the difference.
Sometimes I actually get very clear and direct answers to my prayers.
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