Nine Months

Nine months ago I got married. There are two camps of thought on the first year of marriage.  It is either the happiest time (honeymoon stage) or the hardest time.  I never envisioned a fairy-tale romance because intellectually I knew that marriage was hard work.  I didn't understand just how hard that work would be.

In these past nine months we've struggled with moving and renovating a house that we'd like to buy, but are renting for now because at the moment there is no way any bank is giving us a mortgage and even the programs that are supposed to help couples struggling to get a mortgage won't accept us based on our income to debt ratio.  We've struggled with infertility, depression, anger, rejection, hurt feelings, miscommunication, and trust.  It's been a crash course in stress and a test of my faith greater than anything I've had to overcome so far.

I know that this post sounds rather depressing.  I don't mean to sound as if there haven't been good times, because there have.  Being in the middle of a hard place however makes the good times seem like shadows that I have to strain to see.  All this to say that here's what I've been learning in these nine months.

1) Pray, pray, and then pray some more.  I honestly don't know how marriages today survive apart from God's grace and much prayer.  I am very thankful for my prayer warriors who stand in the gap for me when I don't seem to have the strength to do much more than cry.

2) Don't be afraid to reach out for help.  Recently we started going to counseling.  It's helpful to know that there is another person helping us to navigate these waters.

3) Fighting for a healthy marriage is worth it.  Satan wants nothing more than to bring up things from the past and keep us in bondage to our sin.  The divorce rate among Christians is just as high as the rest of the world.  I believe that having a healthy, strong marriage in today's society is a testimony of God's work in our lives and so I'm committed to doing whatever it takes.

4) Savor the good times.  Hold onto the memories.  Life is not meant to be stagnant.  Right now we're in a hard season.  It's not always easy for me to remember why I love Ray, but it's vital that I do.  Dwelling on the negative never gets me anywhere.

5) Rejoice no matter what season I'm in.  God still cares about me, Ray, and our marriage.  He will never change and for that I can rejoice.

I'm looking forward to the day that I can write how we made it through this season and that we're stronger because of it.  Until then....please keep praying.

A Step in the Right Direction

Wednesday was a rough day in the classroom.  Not that it was the worst day ever - far from it - but I spent a good 20 min or so fighting with a kindergarten student to put on his jacket to go out to recess.  He was having no part of it.  I wasn't about to let him go out without it on.  He screamed, hit, and clawed at me.  Neither of us won.  We didn't go out to recess and he didn't wear his coat.  Thankfully this isn't a daily event.  It was, however, one of those events that made me think as I walked out the door for my lunch break "How do you expect to get a teaching job when you can't even get this simple task done."

After school I work with one of the groups that stay late for math support.  These are all typical 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders.  There's around 40 of them and it's seriously hard for me to get all of these kids out of the cafeteria, down the hall, up the stairs, and to their classrooms quietly.  Actually, it's never happened.  No matter how many times I've had them practice lining up or how many times I've stopped them in the hall it is impossible for the front, middle, and back of the line to be quiet all at once.  Usually it's just the group of students that I'm standing closest to that will listen.  During these times that little voice screams instead me "You are not a good teacher because these kids don't listen or respect you."

I came home to find an email from a school district I had interviewed at.  Usually the beginning of these emails are all the same.  This one wasn't.  This one said "We would like to hire you for our Special Education Extended School Year Program....".   I'm sorry, what?  I read it 4x.  Did I just get a teaching job?  After six years of being a substitute or an assistant I finally received an offer from a school district in Westchester.  I should have felt elated.  All I felt was overwhelmed.

The commute is a solid 40 minutes one way, the hours are from 7:30am-3pm, and my students will be lower functioning than the current classroom I'm in.  In fact there will be 9 or 10 students in my class and I'll have 9 or 10 TA's ....one for each student.  Throw in a speech therapist, a psychologist, an OT, and a behaviorist, and I'm working with more adults than kids.  This job is completely out of my comfort zone.  The job starts in July and already I want to have a panic attack.

I don't know how I'm going to get up everyday at 4:30 or 5am to get to work ontime.
I don't know what age group I'm working with or the exact nature of the students' disabilities.
I don't know what the staff will be like.
I'm not sure when the program ends or if it even starts at 7:30 (during the interview they mentioned the exact hours hadn't been established yet).
I don't know what the pay is.

Here's what I do know:

God provided this job for me because with His help I can do all things.
Every day will not go perfectly but that doesn't mean I'm not a good teacher.
The pay will be much better than what I am used to making during the summer.
I will not have to work two jobs this summer.
The experience will be the catalyst for my future.
During the days when I fail at my job I can rely on God's grace to get up another day and do it all again.

Delphinium

Several weeks ago I was thinking about having a word to define this year.  Not just any word, but a word given to me by God.  I thought and thought, but nothing was striking me as particularly significant.  Then I asked God what word He wanted to give me (yeah, I probably should have done that first).  The next word that popped into my head was Delphinium.  Now, if you asked me to name my favorite flower it would be hyacinth.  The Delphinium was definitely not one on my radar!

So, I went online and looked up flower meaning.  Guess what the meaning of the Delphinium is...it is a symbol of infinite possibility and believing that anything is possible.  According to the symbolism page I should keep stretching my current beliefs and keep reaching for the stars, one baby step at a time.  This is exactly how I feel about my faith at the moment.  I know quite a bit about God and I've been through alot with God, but I'm at a point where I need to start believing that God wants to make the seemingly impossible in my life, possible.  After all, didn't Jesus say to his disciples that if they had faith as small as a mustard seed that they could move mountains?  I certainly have a few mountains that need moving and I'm praying that my small seed of faith will be enough for God.

Now that the weather is finally starting to warm up and the snow is melting, I'm beginning to think about planting a garden.  I brought several different kinds of seeds and a seed tray.  Guess which flower got added to my garden?  :)

A Tour of my House

This blog has taken me a long time and the formatting still isn't how I wanted it.  Not only that but a lot of improvements have been made since I've taken these pictures, but at least it gives you a glimpse as to what our new home looks like.

This is the view when you enter the front door.

And this is the view looking down from the kitchen.  Ray added the coat rack on the wall.  Since this picture was taken he's also added a small shelf near the door for coffee, keys, and mail.

So the kitchen is a bit outdated, but it works for now.  There's not a whole lot of counter space so Ray bought me a baking rack and then built the additional counter/shelves for storage.  If we're blessed to one day actually own this house one of the first projects will be to completely renovate this kitchen.  

This was a free dining room table that Ray's parents' neighbor was throwing up.  It had been a much lighter color.  Ray cleaned it up, stained it, and poly-urithaned it.  The china closet was a gift from one of our pastors.

The living room.  The futon separates the living room from the dining room.

The hallway.  We have a coat closet, a bathroom, a linen closet, and 3 bedrooms.  

The bedroom on the right is supposed to function as my writing room, or maybe, hopefully, nursery?  Currently it's where I dump all of my stuff...there will not be any pictures until there's something worth showing :).

Straight ahead is the guest room

   

On the left is our bedroom.

with an adjoining bathroom.

Here's the best part....the theater downstairs!

The space behind the screen is going to be used as an ironing/folding laundry/storage area.  It looks better now than when I took the picture, but it's still not functional.  Ray has since added light blocking curtains to the sliding glass door, a second shelf to his command unit behind the couch, a card table where all the stuff was by the sliding glass door, and a carpet in front of the couch.  Finishing include cleaning up the laundry area and adding movie poster (of course!).  Oh, and there's a half bath and storage closet down here.

I didn't take any pictures of the laundry room, Ray's workroom, or the garage.  Can I just say how much I love not having to haul my laundry out in all sorts of weather and collect quarters for the laundromat!  

This last picture is of our backyard....which is covered with snow....and is part of a large mountain.  I really, really, want to plant flowers, a fig tree, and vegetables.  Ray wants a fire pit and a hammock.  We'll have to see what happens in the spring!

Living in the Moment

I have a dangerous habit I'm working on breaking this year.  I have the habit of either focusing too much on the past or the future.  I'm not talking about reminiscing about a happy memory or eagerly anticipating an upcoming event.  My issue is that I get caught up in the failures and mistakes I've made or worry about how hard something might be.  Take my career for example. Since the 4th grade I've had this desire to be a teacher.  I would fantasize about what it would be like. I went to school and accumulated debt over this dream.  I'm not where I thought I would be.  I am getting calls for interviews, which is significant since this is the first time it's happened in several years.  I'm not the best at interviewing so I often replay the interview afterwards and beat myself up over how I could have, or should have, answered a particular question.  Then there's the whole intonation and facial expression aspect.  Did I sound too excited? Not excited enough?  Did I appear overly nervous?  This is followed by the looming question of "what if they offer me the job"?  How will this impact my life?  Will I be able to handle the pressure?  The commute?  How will my relationship with Ray change?

I've started reading two books recently which have impacted me and forced me to take a closer look into my thought life.  Author Aimee Raupp of Yes, You Can Get Pregnant emphasizes being mentally and emotionally ready before getting pregnant by letting go.  She writes "Letting go is about surrendering, it is about being easy on yourself, it is about accepting where you are, and it is about believing that you are doing the best you can do an all that you desire is coming to you."  Later she writes "If you tell everyone about your fertility struggles, you become that person that everyone sees as the one who is struggling with fertility.  Alternatively, you can tell a better story, a fertility-rejuvenated positive story, and you will shift your life in that direction.  You can create your reality through recreating your story.  In each moment we have the choice to see the situation the way we choose to see it." John Ortberg writes about Dallas Willard's philosophy in Soul Keeper when during a conversation about advice for a new pastor Willard said "Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.  The most important thing in your life is not what you do; it's who you become."

Life is a process; a journey.  When it comes to things like my career or planning a family I need to be diligent about focusing on the present.  Am I where I want to be?  No.  Am I where I was?  No.  Am I on this journey alone?  Absolutely not!  God is refining me through this process and teaching me things right now that I will need for the future.  I have had setbacks to be sure, but I will not get stuck in them.  Whether I remain a teaching assistant, take a teaching job in the city, get my dream job as a teacher somewhere in Rockland or Westchester, decide to move elsewhere, or whether I have children naturally, with the help of an IVF doctor, or through adoption God knows exactly where He wants me and how He wants my family to look like.   My job, this present moment, is to look at my circumstances with joy and quiet my soul so that I can hear God's next directive when it comes.

I know who holds tomorrow

There is a hymn that I used to sing as a child and which I still love today.  It's called "I Know Who Holds Tomorrow".  There's a line in the chorus that reads "Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand" and this statement has hit home over the past month.  December marked the fourth month in a row without having my period.  Two pregnancy tests came back negative so I decided to make an appointment with my OB to see what was going on.  The initial diagnosis was that due to stress and being underweight my period had simply vanished.  Upon receiving the results of the bloodwork my doctor called me on my lunch break to tell me my FSH was 70 - an indication that I was well into menopause and that if I am serious about starting a family that I should call a reproductive specialist.  I cried.  It was right before Christmas and almost two weeks until I turned 35.  Surely I hadn't gone into menopause yet.  Yes, for the past few years I had missed a month or two at the most but every time I went to the doctor all they said was that I was stressed out and not to worry so much.  How could they not have known?  And why was it that everyone else I knew went into menopause gradually while I went into it suddenly - 3 months after getting married?  Further test results showed that my follicle count was zero.  I was devastated.

I cried alot.  Not only had I been told I'd never have a family without a lot of serious help but it seemed like every woman I knew was either pregnant or announcing their recent pregnancy.  Ray advised me to get a second opinion.  That appointment will take place on February 3rd.  Since that time I have prayed and asked others to pray for me.  One of my friends who prayed for healing feels certain that God has already healed me and that I will be able to conceive at some point in the future.  I have read and heard stories of women who had been told they'd never have children and yet have given birth.  I have also read the stories of women who have adopted.  While adoption was always something Ray and I had talked about before marriage it isn't something that we're confident about jumping into quite yet.  In the Bible the four stories that come to mind is Sara who conceived at something like 87 years old, Hannah who was barren for unknown reasons and cried out to God who gave her the ability to conceive Samuel and other children, Mary who conceived without having sex (for His highest glory), and the woman who was healed after bleeding for 12 years.  All of these women experiences pain in the area of reproduction and yet God healed them and gave them the desires of their heart.

I don't know about tomorrow, the next day, the next month, or the next year.  I do know how God has transformed my past though.  Five years ago I didn't know Ray.  Marriage was a desire and a dream but far from reality.  I lived in a tiny apartment working 3 part time jobs to pay the rent and ate pasta because I didn't have enough money to buy meat. I was also an emotional wreck.  If I had been told five years ago that in January 2015 I'd be happily married and living in 3 bedroom house with plenty of food to eat I'm not sure I'd have believed it.  Although my career isn't what I had hoped for I usually enjoy going to work and I find great meaning in it.  I went back to school and got a second masters, which was never on my agenda five years ago.  What will the next five years of my life bring?  I don't know.  What I do know is that God has two names that I'm clinging to: El Roi - the God who sees me and Jehovah Rapha - God who heals.  Miracles still happen. Nothing is certain. In the meantime I'm in the process of changing my diet to aide in getting pregnant.  I'm not enthusiastic about the limited caffeine advice.  I'm slowly looking at adoption agency materials.  I'm praying for wisdom and guidance and for these new doctors that I'll be seeing.  I'm trying to focus more on God and what He has already blessed me with and less at what I feel that I lack.

35 Goals

Since I turned 35 I thought I'd attempt to write a list of 35 goals.  Some of them may not be able to realistically accomplish this year, but it's something to strive for.

1. Write 1-2 blog posts a month
2. Be obsessed with my desire to know God more and less about things such as starting a family or         moving forward with my career
3. Try cooking a new recipe each week
4. Read 15 books
5. Write a poem about my wedding
6. Visit Arizona and Colorado
7. Find a nutritionist and eat healthier
8. Gain 10-15 pounds
9. Lift small weights daily
10. Ride at least 4 roller coasters
11. Scan all of my teaching documents into organized folders
12. Set up my writing room
13. Choose photos to put in my wedding albums
14. Update my passport
15. Pay off $3,000 of car debt
16. Be approved for a mortgage on our house.
17. Reduce my student debt by at least $5,000
18. Attend a writing conference
19. Limit my credit card spending to no more than $200 a month
20. Send out wedding thank you cards
21. Get a kitten
22. Begin playing the keyboard again
23. Share my poems with others
24. Share my blog with others
25. Volunteer
26. Share my testimony with others
27. Jump into a pool within a minute of getting on the diving board
28. Make eye contact and say hello to strangers
29. Focus on the positive
30. Complete my gratitude list (get to 1,000)
31. Think outside the box when faced with challenges
32. Be generous with both my time and my money
33. Plant a fig tree in our backyard.
34. Create a lesson plan and have myself video taped teaching it (for my teaching portfolio)
35. Hike the mountain behind my house.