An amazing e-mail

I didn't go to see my mom for various reasons on Mother's Day. Instead, I went to see her this past weekend. In addition to seeing my mom I also got a chance to see my aunt (mom's sister), who was visiting from London. My mom and my aunt don't really get along - or I should say my mom doesn't get along with my aunt - so these times tend to be, um, stressful to say the least. In addition, there was a get together of my dad's side of the family on Sunday and the wedding of my brother's ex-girlfriend.

Not that we went to the wedding, mind you. Steven's break-up with her was not far off from a complicated divorce case involving malicious slander. Of course he met her at church, which just made for really interesting politics all around. He has since moved to the DC area and my mom has yet to get over the event (which was like 5 years ago). My mom's favorite hobby is stalking his ex via internet. Although one time she did pay me to drive pass her parents' new house. The things I do for coffee and some extra cash.

Anyway, all that to say that when I talked to my mom the day before leaving she was stressed out and not in a very good mood. I was dreading going down and walking into this mess. So, I do the only thing I can do in these situations. I ask my friends to pray for the time I spend with my relatives.

I honestly wasn't sure how I left things, but this was the e-mail I received today from my aunt:

I just wanted to say it was good to see you. Thank you for the insight into your mom. I really found it very helpful to know that it's not just me and think that may just help our relationship going forward. I am flying out tonight (if the volcano and the winds cooperate!) so I left your mom a card with a note inside to say thank you for all she does and a ps that she looks great. She called to say thank you and was crying. I didn't want to make her cry but it was good to know I wasn't in trouble for it!

Thanks again. You are a clever girl! Please let me know how things go job-wise and if I can ever do anything for you please say so.

Lots of love
Ellen

All I can say is WOW - and yes, it brought tears to my eyes to read.

I love my migraine doctor. Yes, she sticks me with at least one needle everytime I see her, but she has been my advocate for years. She's gone out of her way to try and figure out what causes my random symptoms of periodic fevers, sore throats, body aches, extreme/debilitating fatigue, etc.

Over a year ago I had brought her pictures of my hands during a Raynaud's attack. It had been a particularly bad attack because my hands were still numb and white for over an hour - 45 min of which was spent doing a cardio workout. These pictures generally make doctors very uncomfortable because with the frequency and severity of my attacks two winters ago I should have started the process of having gangrene or some tissue necrosis. The fact that I haven't had either one is a testimony of God's healing power. Fortunately, my attacks this winter weren't nearly as severe. Currently Dr. Lynda uses these pictures during her presentations as she is quickly becoming an expert in the area of raynauds as well as migraines. Actually the two conditions are more closely linked than most people realize.

Anyway....a few months ago Dr. Lynda had another patient in her office telling her about how bad her raynauds were. Dr. Lynda showed her my pictures and said "Do your hands look like this?". The patient said that her hands looked exactly like that, to which Dr. Lynda then thought "Uh oh....another one?!?". She then told her patient that she may need to see a rheumatoid arthritis doctor....just in case. Last week I saw Dr. Lynda and she told me that she had gotten an e-mail from this other patient. She was just diagnosed with sclerderma.

I'm still waiting to be diagnosed with either a form of sclerderma or another autoimmune disorder. My antibodies have been positive for many years for CREST syndrome and some of the symptoms I experience can be related to having CREST. This week I will be going for a lung CT in hopes of finding answers to why I have suddenly had severe asthma for the past 6 months. Just yesterday I went into two asthma attacks and I was on the advair inhaler. What my doctor is looking for is a complication of CREST syndrome that can look like asthma to most people, including other doctors.

Some days it is honestly very frustrating for me not to have a diagnosis of some sort. There are even days where I think that I must be crazy and that this "sickness" is all in my head. Fortunately more and more doctors have started taking me and my symptoms seriously, which helps me to know that there's some validity to my complaints.

Even if I never get an actual diagnosis I am very thankful that God used my symptoms and my medical complaints to educate my doctor about the link between severe Raynauds and autoimmune disorders like sclerderma in order to help others.

Horizon Moment #1

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." Psalm 55:22

"The Lord replied 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest'." Exodus 33:14

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

These were seemingly random Scripture references that I looked up as part of my devotional readings today (no they were not all from the same devotional). Definitely words I needed today as I looked at my agenda schedule for the next few weeks, I can feel my body screaming at me to slow down, and my burdens feel like they're getting heavier.

The Hard Days

I had three really good weeks for which I am very thankful for, but today is one of the hard days. One of those days where I wonder how much longer I can take the pain before (1) either calling in my refill of steriods or (2) begging to be taken to the ER for pain meds. I'm thinking it's simplier to just call in the refill, though I know that's not instantaneous relief. The thing is it hasn't even been 24 hours of pain yet and already I'm thinking these thoughts.

Perhaps it's because I know that the Tylenol I've been constantly taking won't help and I know that the pain is going to get far worse by the end of the day. Right now it's manageable because I'm sitting supported...throw in a full day of teaching followed by a boy who will ask me as soon as he gets off the bus "Can we go to the park and play baseball?" and my chances of having a good attitude about this will most likely go downhill. I could always tell Jeremy that we can't play baseball today and then deal with the inevitable temper tantrum. He's still learning about manging his emotions when things happen that are outside his control. Come to think of it...so am I.

This is what I'm clinging to at the moment: "I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. Then I will praise God's name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving. For this will please the Lord more than sacrificing cattle, more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves. The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help be encouraged. For the Lord hears the cries of the needy; he does not despise his imprisoned people." Psalm 69:29-36

She grew up rejected
ignored
silenced
Her heart was broken
crushed
stifled
She built the walls to keep out the hurt.
Instead she created a prison for herself.
Always an observer of what was going on.
Never invited in.

I long to tell her of the FREEDOM that exists
of a LOVE where she is accepted for who she is
the JOY of sharing in the lives of others.

Yet she remains distant
hurting
resentful

I long to tell her of the FREEDOM that exists
of a LOVE where she is accepted for who she is
the JOY of sharing in the lives of others.

I don't know how to reach out to her
I fear her cynical reply
silence
doubt
jealousy

I long to tell her of the FREEDOM that exists
of a LOVE where she is accepted for who she is
the JOY of sharing in the lives of others.

Only God can heal the broken places
break down the walls
free her from her prison
bring peace and joy into her life

He alone can show her the FREEDOM that exists
LOVE her for who she is
create JOY in sharing in the lives of others.

The Gift of Chicken

The other day I got a present....it was two packages of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.....anyway.....it got me thinking about the past 6 months or so and these are my thoughts.

I really wondered if I was crazy to switch from tutoring to watching Jeremy. After all, Huntington paid better than Jawanio - at least on paper anyways. I would also be traveling further, and more often, as well as working longer hours. The irony was that, at the time, I was trying to simplify my life.

God had other plans though. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I still feel stressed out and tired after dealing with Jeremy's temper tantrums, but he's far less demanding than dealing with trying to help a child learn, answer other teachers' questions (and believe me, teachers can ask some downright silly questions, if you ask me), and answer the phones while trying to maintain some semblance of sanity. Most days I get to enjoy a cup of coffee as well as choose from a variety of snacks to eat during the afternoon. Some days I get to take a nap or read a book while waiting for Jeremy during this appointments (3 days a week). I get to be outside on nice days and play baseball with him (as well as work on my tan....ok, sunburn) or watch t.v./movies with him on rainy days.

I also couldn't ask for a more generous boss. Sure we may disagree some days on discipline procedures, but she makes sure I work as close to 12 hours a week for Jawanio and she pays me off the bookos for anyday I stay after 5:45pm - which is everyday. One day she gave me a box of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies....another day her mother brought over a box of Colgate toothpaste samples...and no the two are not necessarily related. A few days ago she gave me 2 packages of chicken breasts that she picked up for me because they were on sale and she plans to continue to buy me meat whenever it is on sale....including hamburger meat! Um, yeah, it's been a while considering how excited I am over that prospect.

There is no doubt in my mind that working with Jeremy is really God's best for me at this particular moment.