Not Yet - The Teacup Parable

Ray heard this story recently and retold it to me.  Sure enough, I googled the above title and found the following passage.  It seems to be a rather well-known story illustrating why God allows us to go through trials, yet I had never heard it before.  The rendition I was told was slightly different from the original version that you can find on the internet.  In this version the teacup is talking to a lump of clay instead of a couple on their 25th wedding anniversary and the intention is to illustrate the difference between basic faith and a willingness to let God, the Master Potter, work on us as we live out our faith.  I hope it inspires you as much as it did me.

There was once a lump of clay and a beautiful teacup.  The teacup was admired by many people for her beauty.  The lump of clay longed to be like the teacup.  She sighed and said "I wish I could be admired and loved like you!"
“I haven’t always been like this,” the teacup said.

“There was a time when I was a hard, ugly lump of gray clay. No one wanted me….except the Master Potter. One day, He picked me up and began to work me in His strong hands, molding me, pounding me, and rolling me in His grip.

I cried out, ‘Stop that! It hurts! It is too painful! Leave me alone!’

The Master Potter smiled gently and simply said, ‘Not yet.’

Then He put me on a wheel where I began to spin and spin and spin. I felt sick. I felt dizzy. I wanted to slow down. I wanted to get off! All the while as He spun me, He continued to shape me and mold me. I screamed, ‘Let me get off! Stop! Stop!”

But, the Master Potter just smiled and said, ‘Not yet.’

Finally, He took me off of the wheel. As I was admiring my new shape, the Master Potter scooped me up and put me in a large furnace. This oven was hotter than I could have ever imagined. I began screaming!

Help me! I am going to die! I can’t take it! Don’t you love me? I can’t survive this! Get me out!’

But, the Potter just watched through the glass. I saw Him kindly say, ‘Not yet.’

Just when I thought I would be destroyed from the heat, the Master Potter took me out of the furnace. I was relieved until He began to paint me. The paint was horrible. I began to choke on the terrible smelling fumes.

I cried out to the Master, ‘Please, please, please stop!’

He smiled gently and said, ‘Not yet.” And then, He put me BACK INTO THE FIRE!

This second firing was twice as hot as the first. I was certain that I would be destroyed in the heat.

I gasped, “Please let me out!”

The Master Potter simply said, ‘Not yet.’

After what seemed to be eternity, the Master took me out of the furnace and put me on a shelf to cool. It seemed like I waited and waited and waited for an eternity. It was then that I caught a glimpse of myself reflecting in a mirror.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe how much I had changed.

I was completely new. I was a totally new creation, looking nothing like I did in the beginning. The Master had transformed me. When I was a lump of clay, no one except the Potter would even give me a second glance. Now, after the pounding, the molding, the shaping, the spinning, the heating, the painting, and the waiting, I have become a beautiful, priceless treasure, sought after and desired by many.

I remember that as the Potter gingerly picked me up, He whispered, ‘Now you are what I had in mind when I first began you.’

I knew that I am a treasured possession.”
"Do you still want to become a beautiful teacup?" said the teacup to the lump of clay.

Author Unknown

Oh the Conversations I Have.....

I started watching Jeremy and his brother Justin when they were 7 and 3 years old, respectfully.  I mostly conversed with Jeremy while driving to his many appointments. Ok, so it was primarily Jeremy talking and me nodding my head or occasionally saying things such as "I see" or "cool".   Usually these revolved around him perseverating about a past event or a recitation of baseball stats (usually those of the Yankees) or football stats (he's a Jets fan) depending on the season we were in.  Justin often talked to me about what he was learning at daycare or an episode of the PowerPuff Girls.  Ah, those were the days.......

Now Jeremy is 10 years old and Justin is 6.  While sitting down with Justin during his snack he told me "you shouldn't have some alcohol and then drive.  My camp counselor's son was killed on his motocycle by someone who was drinking and driving."  Thus began a conversation about drinking and driving.  Later, while driving Jeremy to his OT appointment he asked me "What does groping mean?"  When I asked him where he had heard that term he told me that on the news last night it said the police were looking for a teenage boy accused of groping a girl.  Good grief.  On the plus side, it gave me the opportunity to explain why it's really, really important to keep our hands to ourselves (something that has been an issue lately).  Later I got the run-down on which rap stars went to prison and why followed by how various actors and musicians have died or been killed.  As boring as they were at the time, some days I really do miss hearing baseball and football stats.

The last few months have been filled with discussions about why God allows people to have disabilities such as Autism and Touretts Syndrome, along with the importance of not allowing our emotions to control our actions.  Lately all of these conversations have brought to my mind the verse in the Bible talking about how we need to have a ready answer for everyone who asks.  Not that all of my conversations with the boys discuss my faith (although occasionally they do) but they do make it even more apparant to me how my words impact others.  Especially since Jeremy has an uncanny ability to repeat verbatim what I said months later.  More importantly though, I need to make sure that my actions are consistent with my words. 

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.  Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

Colossians 4:5-6

Taking the Plunge

I always thought it was cool that Peter walked on water to get to Jesus, but I now have a new appreciation for how hard that must have been considering the effort it took for Ray and my friends to coax me into jumping off of a divingboard into the water.  To help you understand the significance of this event, let me give you some history.

My first memory of the water is being around 3 or 4 and sitting on the dock completely terrified of the lake we were vacationing at.  I'm not exactly sure why I was terrified or have been fearful of the water ever since.  It's not like I suffered some traumatic event, but I was never really comfortable being in water.  In fact, many of my nightmares revolve around my house/apartment being flooded by a surging river or some horrific storm and me trying to escape from drowning.
While I was growing up we always stayed at motels with swimming pools.  My dad tried to teach me how to swim, but my anxiety prevented me from doing much more than clinging to the side of the pool with floatation devices around my arms.  When I was 17 I actually did learn how to swim.  Don't ask me how I did it.  I do remember going out to a lake with my grandparents' friends and their granddaughter and somehow I remember leaving confident that I could swim.  Well, I could move my arms, kick my feet, and stay above water, but I couldn't go underwater....forget about jumping into a pool.  Still, I really enjoyed swimming and during the summer inbetween my junior and senior year of college I would go to the community college's pool almost everyday and swim laps for an hour.

Fast forward about ten years later.  Ray and I were visiting friends.  They have a really nice pool with a diving board.  Everyone was jumping in, but I waded in.  When I was asked about why I didn't just jump in I admitted that I had never jumped in and that I was afraid of jumping in.  They didn't push me.  That was last summer.  This summer I had made up my mind that I was going to jump in their pool.  I didn't tell anyone my resolve, even Ray.  Nevertheless, the issue came up again this past weekend about why I never jump in.  Unlike last summer, it was just Ray, our friends, and me.  A totally safe enviornment for me to try jumping in.  Oh....did I mention that Ray spent his summer as a lifeguard????  If you're going to jump into a pool for the first time you should definitely have a certified lifeguard with you! :D

I had no idea that jumping in would be so hard.  Seriously....it took me something like 15 minutes to just get on the divingboard.  Jumping in?  I think it took the better part of an hour of everyone encouraging me - even giving me verses such as "I can do all things through Christ."  I wanted to jump in.  I could even picture myself jumping in.  Yet I could still feel the chains of fear wrapped around my ankles.  I kept praying that God would help me to jump.  

Do you want to know what finally got me to jump in?  Ray said that if I didn't jump in that he would stop cooking for me.  Go figure.  Have I mentioned what a good cook he is?  Even if sometime snails are on the menu :p.  Anyway, I asked him to count to 3 and after he did I jumped.  There were cheers of joy and as soon as I hit the water Ray swam over and grabbed me before I started panicking. 

After all was said and done it felt great.  I mean, I stayed in a state of shock for the rest of the day.  Kinda like after the first time Ray kissed me....so it was a good kind of shock :).  I've already decided that the next time we go over to our friends' house to swim, I will just jump in.  After that we can work on diving.  One step at a time!

Quick Updates

I still haven't heard anything regarding the reading teacher position at my school, however, I did get my contract for next year and they "accidently" gave me a rather significant raise (over an addition $1/hr).  Don't tell the district :).

Ray is currently working doing roofing/construction for another company.  I'm not sure how long this job will last, but we'll take whatever God provides!

My landlady is agreeing to let me stay another year.  I still haven't signed the new lease yet because we both never seem to be home at the same time.  As far as I know my rent should be staying the same.

Cover Letters

Tis the season....the resume and cover letter season that is!  It seems that school districts advertise numerous job postings during the months of April and May.  There's a website that I go on which allows me to click on a specific job and upload my resume and job specific cover letter to them.  Although the cover letter is optional, it is much better to include it.  Not that this has landed me an "actual" teaching job (it is my opinion that I do actually teach, I just don't receive the salary or benefits....oh, and I don't have to do lesson plans or conferences).  Normally the process is one in which I do my best to put a coherent and personal letter together in the midst of my crazy schedule - you know, somewhere around midnight after I've been working 10-12 hours.  Reminds me of college except that I never get to see my grades.

This week, however, I'm attempting something a little different.  The district in which I currently work for is looking for a reading teacher with prior professional development experience.  I possess the credentials, minus the experience part.  The teacher I work with is highly supportive of me applying for the position.  I have already expressed interest in the position to my principal, but at the time the position wasn't listed as available.  The position was recently listed on the website and my job this week is to not only apply, but to write a cover letter that conveys my current strengths/skills for this particular position to the superintendant.  Considering that I'm not entirely sure that I'm capable of doing this job ("Hi, my name is Carol and I'm a pessimist.") this task seems quite daunting.  So....if you think of it, please pray for the right words to write and time in which to write this.

As a side note: In case you're wondering about Ray's job situation, I wish I had an answer. There has been some unexpected delays.  Hey, no news is good news, right?  Regardless of the answer, I know that God knows our hearts and dreams better than even we do and that He ALWAYS has our best interests at stake.  He can also make the seemingly impossible possible. 

Trying to Stay Focused

Today I caught myself anticipating the future.  For those of you who don't know, Ray lost his job about a month ago.  About a week and a half ago an opportunity presented itself for a job to open up managing the buildings and grounds at an apartment complex in the area.  Now, although Ray doesn't have any paid experience in this particular field, he enjoys working with his hands and improving the conditions of buildings and grounds (hence the elaborate kitchen remodel awhile back).  Fortunately the person he interviewed with is someone that Ray knows - definitely a benefit in these situations.  Ray passed the mechanical/tool test he was given with flying colors and his name has been passed on with a high recommendation to the supervisors of the complex.  Hopefully he'll get hired sometime next week.  Oh....did I tell you that a benefit of this job is that after 3 months he'll be offered a free apartment with utilies included?  Nice, right?   There's also the strong possibility of taking on a supervisory position after 6 months, but let's not get ahead of ourselves...... :)

Anyway, the possibility of a steady income lures me into fantasizing and wondering if maybe, just maybe, there'll be enough money to purchase a ring and perhaps this time next year I could be either planning a wedding or possibly even starting the process of moving into his apartment (after we're married of course).   Just when I start picturing what I hope may be reality, I'm reminded to STOP.

Because I need to live and focus on the present.

I'm not saying that I'm not hopeful, but I need to be careful not to get caught up in the fantasy because things don't tend to go exactly as I plan and God's timing has never really matched up with my timing. The job may fall through or finances may be needed for things other than a symbolic piece of jewelry.  Today, however, I'm choosing to trust God and His timing because even if things don't turn out the way I anticipate, God is still good and He knows my needs and desires even better than I do.

Discouragement

For many years I fought the battle of depression and anxiety.  Thankfully I haven't had a major depressive episode in a long time and although I still fight anxiety, the battle isn't nearly as intense as it used to be.  These days my major battle is with discouragement.

Discouragement comes in many forms. Some of these forms include not getting as much done in the morning before work as I had planned, working later than I thought, children who regress in their behavior and/or have seemingly little academic improvement, thinking I'm going to have an early evening but actually getting home much later than intended, not being able to get into bed before midnight for several nights in a row, not being able to sleep in on a Sat morning, not spending a lot of time with Ray due to our hectic and often opposite work schedules, forgetting items at the store requiring me to go back to the store and repurchase them, extremely tight finances, or having a migraine after being migraine free for 15+ days. 

Usually if one or even two of the above mentioned occur I can remain sane.  When more than two discouraging things happen in a day, or even a week, I find it harder and harder to keep a healthy perspective.  Thankfully I haven't had all of the above hit at once, but I've been close.  During these times I have a choice: I can either cave to the discouraging circumstances around me which can lead to another fight with depression or I can turn to Scripture and thank God for the many blessings He has given me. 

These blessing include being much healthier than in past years, having enough money at the moment to pay next months rent, having some money in a savings account, having a working car for all the driving I do, for the rare dates I do go on with Ray, that Ray has steady work for the next month, that I'm finally actually seeing the progress of my kitchen renovation (yay for not having to constantly sweep up sawdust! :D ), for the moments in which I do see my students master something that once seemed impossible, getting a solid night's sleep even if it is less than 6 or 7 hours, and seeing answers to my prayers.

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Where is your Faith?

I'm not the most observant person in the world.  In case I had forgotten that point I ran over a stake today....it could have been worse, but yeah, some days I really feel like a dumb blond.  Charlie, my mechanic, loves me though :D.  I love that Ray not only forgives me for ruining my tire, but also pays for my mistake. 

Anyway....all that to say that when I got into my car on Christmas Eve and thought things looked messier than usual and that my cd case wasn't where I thought I had left it, I really didn't think too much about it.  I figured that I needed to clean the car out and that the cd case had somehow found its way under the car seat.  It also didn't register that maybe I wasn't the one who had messed up the car light or that maybe the aux chord to Ray's phone hadn't been misplaced.  That is, until Ray asked me if I had taken my tennis rackets out of the trunk.  I had been meaning to do that for weeks, but never got around to it.  You see, he found my tennis rackets in some bushes along the side of the road and the aux chord lying in the street not far away.  Someone had been through my car the night before.  They must have gotten spooked, or realized that I didn't have anything worth taking home.  I never did find my cd case.  Fortunately they only took the case containing cd's I don't listen to on a regular basis.  Those cd's they left.

Somehow I got complacent about my surroundings.  On Staten Island I always locked my car, even if it was in the driveway.  My neighbor's cars were constantly being broken into and there were several house robberies along my block.   I grew up with the fear of being robbed.  Then I moved to Rockland.  At first I was vigilant about keeping my doors locked - I even had a club on my car at one point.  Slowly I let my guard down.  I began leaving my doors unlocked at my house and some of my friends' homes.  Even though I currently have to park on the street, I still kept my doors unlocked unless there was something of value in the car. 

After I realized that keeping my doors unlocked was no longer safe, I began to feel very vulnerable and scared.  Even though my doors were locked, I still feared that my car would be broken into.  When I told Ray about this he asked me where my faith was.  I thought this was an unncessarily cruel question at first.  Did he think I had lost my faith in God simply because I was afraid?  Not really, but fear is an issue that I have been battling with all of my life.  Being afraid is a natural and normal reaction - especially after an incident occurs.  Letting fear control you and keep you from living your life is unhealthy though. 

This year I started a journal of Bible verses that stood out to me.  There were two verses in particular that stood out this week.  The first was Psalm 91:14-15 which states " ' Because he loves me', says the Lord, 'I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.' " A couple of days later I read this verse: "God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid, but a spirit of power and love and self-control."   2 Timothy 1:7  (NIV)  In the New King James Version, the word "self control" is translated as "sound mind".  To be of a sound mind means that a person is free from mental disease, which includes anxiety disorders - something I'm very familiar with.   God doesn't promise that bad things won't happen to us.  Actually, in the book of James it tells us to not be suprised when trials and storms come our way.  God does promise to go through those trials and storms with us and that because He is with us, we don't have to live in fear.

I'm not sure what 2012 has in store for me, nevertheless my desire is to not live out the year in fear, but in complete faith that God is with me every step of the way.

The Importance of Words

Lately, I've been thinking alot about words.  When I'm writing poetry I pay extra attention to the words I use.  I double, and even triple check emails I write to make sure my words are spelled correctly and make sense.  When speaking to children I try to be mindful of the words I use, especially when disciplining them, so that they don't feel like failures.

Why is it then that I allow negative and destructive words to be spoken by me about who I am?  A few weeks ago I was having an issue with my car insurance company.  To make a long story short I owed them a large sum of money because I hadn't been paying my bills.  The payments were supposed to have come directly out of my paycheck, but they hadn't.  I was frustrated with the situation and kept berating myself by saying "I'm not good with finances".   It was pointed out to me that if I kept speaking that lie over myself that it would come true and be part of who I am. 

The truth is that I am pretty good with finances.  I don't make alot of money, but I usually pay my bills on time and am disciplined in how I spend it.  That's not to say that there aren't times when I spend my money unwisely or been so busy that I forget to pay my car insurance.  That doesn't make me a failure at finances though.  The same is true with anything else in life.  There are times when I'm really organized and have my apartment spotless, say the right thing at the right time, drive the speedlimit and follow all other driving laws, make it ontime to work, and have extreme patience with people and situations.  There are many other times, however, when my life seems chaotic and there's a ton of clutter everywhere in my apartment, my bed wasn't made, I'm late to work, I say the wrong thing, I don't exactly follow all of the driving rules, and my patience is wearing thin or nonexistent.  Occasionally that happens all in one day. :-(

It is at those times when I'm not quite living up to my self-imposed expectations that I struggle with negative self-talk.  The danger comes when those negative thoughts take over the truth.  The truth is that although  I will never get it all right every single minute of the day, God loves me and delights in me.  My goal through this coming month is to remember that every time I believe I've messed something up instead of dwelling on my negative self talk. 

“You are precious and honored in my sight, and I love you.”   Isaiah 43:4

October blessings

I realize it's already November, but I thought I'd share some of the things I've been very thankful for during the month of October.

Migraines: I've set a new record in days without a migraine.  I reached 26 days this month, which makes this the first month in about 4 years that I've only had one migraine!  God was also merciful to me during that migraine by 1) allowing it to happen at night, after work.  I didn't have to call out or work while sick and it gave me a couple extra hours of sleep and 2) I only needed half of an imitrex to make it go away.

Financial Provision: This was the fourth month in a row in which I've been able to pay all of my rent on time, as well as all of my bills.  God has also worked it out for Jeremy's parents to give me back my original wages.  When I first started watching Jeremy two years ago I was paid primarily by Jawanio.  Jawanio only allowed me to work with Jeremy 12 hours a week, so his parents agreed to pay me $15/hr for each hour I went over the allotted time.  When Jawanio stopped paying me to watch Jeremy his parents lowered their private rate to $12/hr.  They saw it as a compromise since Jawanio had been paying me a lower rate.  During the summer however, I was watching two boys and training a puppy.  After a rather uncomfortable discussion, his parents agreed to pay me the original $15/hr for the summer only. In September they decreased the rate again reasoning that I was only taking care of Jeremy.   I have to admit that there were many days in which I had both the boys for an hour or so and I felt take advantage of.  I was unsure as to how much longer to continue working for the family when Jeremy's mom came to me and said she had been feeling guilty about how much they had been paying me and said that starting that week my rate would return to the $15/hr.

Heat: My living situation is far from perfect, but my landlady did turn on the heat finally.  I still use my space heater more than I'd like, but at least there isn't a draft like I had in my old place.  Sometimes the apartment actually gets quite warm without the space heater.  My landlady has also stopped complaining about me leaving the stairwell light on while I'm gone during the night.  Most of the time the light remains lit while I'm gone.  In the past, the light would "accidently" get turned off by her because she felt I was being inconsiderate of her electric bill. 

Family Health: After undergoing a stress test, my dad's cardiologist declared that he doesn't need heart surgery right now.  He needs to watch his diet, start exercising, and have his heart monitored for further valve deterioration.  My grandmother also returned home from the hospital after suffering from a TIA (mini-stroke).  Other than trying to get rid of bronchitis she seems to be back to her previous health.
There are many more things I'm thankful for, but these four top my list for now.

A Change of Heart

The phrase "things are never quite what they appear" comes to mind as I write this.  When I originally saw this apartment I liked it.  It had two separate rooms, a kitchen, it was cute, the price was right, and my cats were allowed.  I also liked the idea of not living in a basement.  Of course I was also very sick at the time.  Let this be a lesson to you: don't agree to take an apartment in-between fits of vomitting.

Anyway, I signed the lease and moved in.  Then several things became very apparant.  The first thing I noticed was the multitude of ants in my living room.  It seems they had a lease agreement too.  Then there was the bathroom that wasn't cleaned out, not to mention a missing screen in the bathroom window.  Over time, Ray and I noticed the missing smoke/carbon monoxide detector and the fact that even if I turned the stairway light on before I left the house at night it would always be "accidently" turned off by the time I got home.  I started getting texts asking me not to keep any lights on when I wasn't home (including the hall light so I could see SOMETHING when I walked in).  There were holes in my kitchen wall, sockets that weren't screwed in very tightly, outlet cover plates that were all missing in the bedroom, severely peeling paint in the bathroom, and a kitchen light that only turns on if the hall light has been turned on. 

Thankfully the ants and the messy bathroom were quickly taken care of with ant traps and the use of my landlady's maid for a day. Ray took care of replacing outlet covers. The rest....well....I gave my landlady a list at the beginning of August of the above safety concerns/repairs that needed to be made.  I left it alone for two weeks.  I then sent her a text asking on her thoughts about the list.  She responded that she threw my list out without reading it and asked if I could make her a new one.  I did and then gave her another week before asking her what her thoughts were.  She honestly didn't have many, but she did mention maybe getting an electrician to come in.  She also asked if I could buy the smoke detector, deduct it from my rent, and ask Ray if he would install it. 

I didn't have a problem with this, but Ray did want my landlady to pay for his time spent installing the detector.  His reasoning was that since it was a legal requirement, it was her responsibility to have it installed and if she wasn't going to install it herself, then she'd probably be paying someone else to install it.  I sent my landlady a text telling her what the situation was: Ray would be more than willing to install it for a fee or she could install it herself/get someone else to install it.  I wasn't mean, or threatening, just telling her the facts. 

Shortly after this I received a phone call from my landlady cursing me and Ray out.  I haven't been this verbally attacked since working customer service several years again.  Even so, I was getting paid to listen to what the customers said.  I was furious.  She called me a lier, said that she's never had a tenant who harrassed her so much or wanted so much changed in the apartment, and that I was running up her electric bill.  She then said I could have my deposit back.  She also mentioned that Ray had said some not so nice things to her daughter a few weeks ago.  I was speechless by the end.  Somehow I ended the conversation without cursing her out in return.  I wanted to cry and punch something at the same time.

After I was able to calm down, I started praying that somehow this would all get resolved peacefully.  Later that day, Ray and I went down to talk to my landlady again.  The conversation went better than I had hoped, but there was still quite a bit of tension in the air.  I continued to pray that somehow God would soften my landlady's heart.  The tension remained all through Monday. 

On Tuesday afternoon I came home and my landlady broke the silence by saying that she had talked with her daughter and it turned out that the incident between Ray and her daughter didn't happen the way she thought and that Ray's version of what happened was accurate.  She then apologized for the misunderstanding!  She further went on to say that someone would be by to install the smoke detector by the end of the week.

A few days ago, the smoke detector was installed and the other items on my list were addressed.  They haven't been fixed yet, but I've been told that they will be.  In the meantime, my landlady has been leaving the outside lights on for me every night and has even smiled at me - a living testimony that God does, indeed change hearts.

Nightblindness

Last night Ray was teaching in Florida, NY and I had agreed to pick him up.  He had given me the address the night before, so I went on mapquest and looked it up.  It seemed like a straight enough route: get off the exit, make a left, go six blocks and make a right.  Simple.....

I did just that....sort of.  I made a left off the exit and then started looking for the 6th block on the right.  Except I was in the middle of nowhere - no streetlights, no landmarks, just small green signs that I could barely see and couldn't read because I have nightblindness.  I had to slow the car down, much to the dismay of the people behind me who blew the horn at me several times.  At one point I panicked and turned around to go back to the exit.  All this did was allow one of the not so happy drivers behind me to pull up alongside of me and proceed to curse me out.  I was completely lost - or so I thought.

I ended up calling Ray to tell him of my predicament.  Turns out that I had been going in the right direction all along.  Seems I had mixed up 6 blocks with 6 miles!  I finally arrived at the center where he was working - slightly hysterical from my experience.  It got me thinking though....

There are times when I feel God leading me down a road and I feel so certain of my destination, but then the surroundings become unfamiliar and I can't see what's in front of me.  I wonder why it's taking me so long to get to my destination.  I panic, letting my fear take over.  I turn around and head for safety.  Sometimes I stay in this "safe" place because the fear of the unknown is too paralyzing for me to conquer on my own.  Which is why I desperately need God; it is only with His help that I can navigate these treacherous roads of life.  Whether it's starting a new job, moving to a new place, beginning a new relationship, or having a difficult conversation, I can only persevere by trusting that He knows the way better than I do.

These days I feel like I'm in one of those "safe" places again.  I'm just staying on the side of the road watching the cars pass by; unsure of which direction to take.  And so I pray for wisdom, guidance, and the courage to once again step out and travel the road of faith.