Where is your Faith?

I'm not the most observant person in the world.  In case I had forgotten that point I ran over a stake today....it could have been worse, but yeah, some days I really feel like a dumb blond.  Charlie, my mechanic, loves me though :D.  I love that Ray not only forgives me for ruining my tire, but also pays for my mistake. 

Anyway....all that to say that when I got into my car on Christmas Eve and thought things looked messier than usual and that my cd case wasn't where I thought I had left it, I really didn't think too much about it.  I figured that I needed to clean the car out and that the cd case had somehow found its way under the car seat.  It also didn't register that maybe I wasn't the one who had messed up the car light or that maybe the aux chord to Ray's phone hadn't been misplaced.  That is, until Ray asked me if I had taken my tennis rackets out of the trunk.  I had been meaning to do that for weeks, but never got around to it.  You see, he found my tennis rackets in some bushes along the side of the road and the aux chord lying in the street not far away.  Someone had been through my car the night before.  They must have gotten spooked, or realized that I didn't have anything worth taking home.  I never did find my cd case.  Fortunately they only took the case containing cd's I don't listen to on a regular basis.  Those cd's they left.

Somehow I got complacent about my surroundings.  On Staten Island I always locked my car, even if it was in the driveway.  My neighbor's cars were constantly being broken into and there were several house robberies along my block.   I grew up with the fear of being robbed.  Then I moved to Rockland.  At first I was vigilant about keeping my doors locked - I even had a club on my car at one point.  Slowly I let my guard down.  I began leaving my doors unlocked at my house and some of my friends' homes.  Even though I currently have to park on the street, I still kept my doors unlocked unless there was something of value in the car. 

After I realized that keeping my doors unlocked was no longer safe, I began to feel very vulnerable and scared.  Even though my doors were locked, I still feared that my car would be broken into.  When I told Ray about this he asked me where my faith was.  I thought this was an unncessarily cruel question at first.  Did he think I had lost my faith in God simply because I was afraid?  Not really, but fear is an issue that I have been battling with all of my life.  Being afraid is a natural and normal reaction - especially after an incident occurs.  Letting fear control you and keep you from living your life is unhealthy though. 

This year I started a journal of Bible verses that stood out to me.  There were two verses in particular that stood out this week.  The first was Psalm 91:14-15 which states " ' Because he loves me', says the Lord, 'I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.' " A couple of days later I read this verse: "God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid, but a spirit of power and love and self-control."   2 Timothy 1:7  (NIV)  In the New King James Version, the word "self control" is translated as "sound mind".  To be of a sound mind means that a person is free from mental disease, which includes anxiety disorders - something I'm very familiar with.   God doesn't promise that bad things won't happen to us.  Actually, in the book of James it tells us to not be suprised when trials and storms come our way.  God does promise to go through those trials and storms with us and that because He is with us, we don't have to live in fear.

I'm not sure what 2012 has in store for me, nevertheless my desire is to not live out the year in fear, but in complete faith that God is with me every step of the way.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! This year I went to Staten Island on Christmas Eve.  It was nice to spend the evening with my parents and grandmother.  Christmas Day was spent at Ray's parents' house with them, his two sisters, and brother-in-law.  The food was good and the atmosphere relaxing.  I can't complain, but I do have to confess that I came away disappointed.

Every year my mom asks me what I want for Christmas.  I try to keep things to a minimum and only ask for "necessities".  These are things which I could really use, but find it hard to find money in the budget for them.  I figure if she's asking for a list, then I'll get what I want on the list, right?  It never happens and this year was no exception.  In case you're wondering, my list included a space heater, a pair of slippers, a bathmat, and dunkin donuts coffee.  The coffee really wasn't necessary, but I figured I'd include a nice treat on there.  Out of that list I received four bags of dunkin donuts coffee.  I received other gifts too, but I was really looking forward to getting new slippers since my last ones got completely ruined and I've been supplementing by wearing two pairs of socks when I'm home.  The space heater would have been nice because I can only heat either the living room or the bedroom at one time.  Although it's doubtful that my landlady appreciates me using a space heater at all (in my opinion the heat should be more than 62 in my apartment, just saying), so maybe getting a second space heater would have created more tension between us.

It didn't help that for a week before Christmas the other teachers/t.a.'s were all talking about the elaborate presents they "needed" to get in order to be happy and that on Christmas day all I saw were pictures of people getting really nice gifts and texts from people about the great presents they received.  However, that's really not what Christmas is all about in the first place.  It's really about celebrating Christ's birth and being together with family.  Besides, after listening to a friend's story about how she cried Christmas Eve because she had too many family get togethers to go to and her family was upset with her, I realized that one of my many blessings was to have two families that don't fight over where I should be and that I could relax and be myself with both of them.  After I got home and assembled all of my presents I also realized that I received more gifts than I knew what to do with.

Today I went to Target and used my gift cards.  I got the bathmat I had been looking at (on sale!).  I didn't find any slippers that I wanted, but I was able to get two pairs of really nice warm winter boots on clearance.  As for the space heater, I still don't have any money in the budget for the one I'd like, but yesterday my heat stayed on at 70 the entire day.    Sometimes you just have to wait for what you'd like, and sometimes we get what we need - just not the way we expected it.

Transitions

This month at school has been hard so far and it's not promising to get any easier.  Of course teaching in December is normally stressful due to the "holiday high" that comes on right after Thanksgiving break, but this year is different. 

Last year my room was the only self contained classroom.  This year there were so many kindergarten kids with classifications (10 boys) that the district created a seperate self contained class for them.  The original intent was for both of the classes to collaborate, however that failed to happen because the kindergarten teacher tried to handle things on her own.  Over the last few months we've watched as her students became more and more uncontrollable despite our attempts to intervene.  A little over a week ago we had a turning point.  One of the kindergarten boys, L., ran up to the teacher, pushed her down, pulled her hair, and tried to choke her.  She broke down in sobs - the entire class watching the whole incident.  She asked for help. 

This was both good and bad.  We have completely rearranged our morning routine to accomodate the kindergarten class.  I spent two days last week restraining L. when he got out of hand.  L. has severe anger issues due to living with an alcoholic mother and a drug dealing father.  Over the course of the last week we have seen tremendous improvement in his behavior.  Unfortunately the students I generally work with have regressed because of the routine change and the fact that our attention isn't solely focused on them.  J., who had been saying "eat" and improving in his behavior has stopped this verbal communication and has been attacking us assistants as well as the other students by biting and scratching us.  The other students have been very whiny and clingy.  To top it off most of the kids are sick with some form of a cold.

We're all hoping that this stage will end when we return from Christmas break.  Until then, if you think of it, please pray that we'll have the energy, endurance, and patience to deal with these new issues.

One more thing,
it'll only take a moment;
Hold on, one minute
just let me do one more thing.

One more thing turns into two
then three
now four.
How many more
before I sit and rest;
release my concerns to you,
quiet my mind,
hear You speak to me?

You wait patiently
watching me run to and fro.
Longing for me to stop,
turn to You
sit in Your presence.

The Importance of Words

Lately, I've been thinking alot about words.  When I'm writing poetry I pay extra attention to the words I use.  I double, and even triple check emails I write to make sure my words are spelled correctly and make sense.  When speaking to children I try to be mindful of the words I use, especially when disciplining them, so that they don't feel like failures.

Why is it then that I allow negative and destructive words to be spoken by me about who I am?  A few weeks ago I was having an issue with my car insurance company.  To make a long story short I owed them a large sum of money because I hadn't been paying my bills.  The payments were supposed to have come directly out of my paycheck, but they hadn't.  I was frustrated with the situation and kept berating myself by saying "I'm not good with finances".   It was pointed out to me that if I kept speaking that lie over myself that it would come true and be part of who I am. 

The truth is that I am pretty good with finances.  I don't make alot of money, but I usually pay my bills on time and am disciplined in how I spend it.  That's not to say that there aren't times when I spend my money unwisely or been so busy that I forget to pay my car insurance.  That doesn't make me a failure at finances though.  The same is true with anything else in life.  There are times when I'm really organized and have my apartment spotless, say the right thing at the right time, drive the speedlimit and follow all other driving laws, make it ontime to work, and have extreme patience with people and situations.  There are many other times, however, when my life seems chaotic and there's a ton of clutter everywhere in my apartment, my bed wasn't made, I'm late to work, I say the wrong thing, I don't exactly follow all of the driving rules, and my patience is wearing thin or nonexistent.  Occasionally that happens all in one day. :-(

It is at those times when I'm not quite living up to my self-imposed expectations that I struggle with negative self-talk.  The danger comes when those negative thoughts take over the truth.  The truth is that although  I will never get it all right every single minute of the day, God loves me and delights in me.  My goal through this coming month is to remember that every time I believe I've messed something up instead of dwelling on my negative self talk. 

“You are precious and honored in my sight, and I love you.”   Isaiah 43:4

October blessings

I realize it's already November, but I thought I'd share some of the things I've been very thankful for during the month of October.

Migraines: I've set a new record in days without a migraine.  I reached 26 days this month, which makes this the first month in about 4 years that I've only had one migraine!  God was also merciful to me during that migraine by 1) allowing it to happen at night, after work.  I didn't have to call out or work while sick and it gave me a couple extra hours of sleep and 2) I only needed half of an imitrex to make it go away.

Financial Provision: This was the fourth month in a row in which I've been able to pay all of my rent on time, as well as all of my bills.  God has also worked it out for Jeremy's parents to give me back my original wages.  When I first started watching Jeremy two years ago I was paid primarily by Jawanio.  Jawanio only allowed me to work with Jeremy 12 hours a week, so his parents agreed to pay me $15/hr for each hour I went over the allotted time.  When Jawanio stopped paying me to watch Jeremy his parents lowered their private rate to $12/hr.  They saw it as a compromise since Jawanio had been paying me a lower rate.  During the summer however, I was watching two boys and training a puppy.  After a rather uncomfortable discussion, his parents agreed to pay me the original $15/hr for the summer only. In September they decreased the rate again reasoning that I was only taking care of Jeremy.   I have to admit that there were many days in which I had both the boys for an hour or so and I felt take advantage of.  I was unsure as to how much longer to continue working for the family when Jeremy's mom came to me and said she had been feeling guilty about how much they had been paying me and said that starting that week my rate would return to the $15/hr.

Heat: My living situation is far from perfect, but my landlady did turn on the heat finally.  I still use my space heater more than I'd like, but at least there isn't a draft like I had in my old place.  Sometimes the apartment actually gets quite warm without the space heater.  My landlady has also stopped complaining about me leaving the stairwell light on while I'm gone during the night.  Most of the time the light remains lit while I'm gone.  In the past, the light would "accidently" get turned off by her because she felt I was being inconsiderate of her electric bill. 

Family Health: After undergoing a stress test, my dad's cardiologist declared that he doesn't need heart surgery right now.  He needs to watch his diet, start exercising, and have his heart monitored for further valve deterioration.  My grandmother also returned home from the hospital after suffering from a TIA (mini-stroke).  Other than trying to get rid of bronchitis she seems to be back to her previous health.
There are many more things I'm thankful for, but these four top my list for now.

This is one of my students.  For the sake of this post I'll call him "J".  J is almost 9 years old and doesn't speak.  He makes various sounds and gestures to get what he wants.  On the first day of school last year, J greeted me by biting me on the arm leaving a very nice dental impression.  I spent the rest of the school year learning how to keep him from biting or scratching both me and the other students.  Sometimes you'd know he was in a bad mood and other times he would lash out for no apparant reason.  By the end of the year J and I were great friends :).

J has made incredible progress since then.  He hasn't bitten or scratched anyone. Even when he's been extremely frustrated, J has been able to keep himself under control and not lash out. Instead, he loves to hug and sniff you....don't ask me why, he just does.  This year we are determined to help J communicate better.  Most mornings one of us works one on one with him in order to get him to mimic the sounds we make.  Some examples are the "m", "p", "t", and "e" sounds.  Last week the teacher was able to get him to combine the "e" and "t" sounds to form the word eat.  Immediately after he was able to say it we gave him one of his favorite treats - an oreo cookie.  His eyes lit up and he said the word "eat" again.  He still gestures and makes sounds, but  he has been consistently saying the word "eat" for the past week of so.  This is huge!!!  He even says it without being prompted.  Every time he says it we give him some type of food reward.  We're now working on getting him to consistently say the "m" sound for when he wants milk and the "b" sound for when he wants to use the bathroom.

If you think of it, please pray that God will continue to loosen J's vocal chords, giving him further ability to speak and that He would provide us the ability to teach J other sounds /words as well.  He does have a speech therapist, but she doesn't seem to be helping him much.  I'm not trained in speech therapy at all so I find myself getting frustrated at times with my limited ability to help him.

Can you feel it?
In the way the wind blows,
the crispness of the air.
Colors and smells change
slowly, subtly.
A new season is beginning.

Do you perceive it?
In the way you carry yourself,
the joy and peace now radiating.
Beliefs and thoughts change
slowly, subtly.
He is doing a new thing.

What I've been up to lately

I haven't been writing too much about my life lately.  For anyone interested, here are some "snapshots" of my life.

Job: I'm back working at the elementary school with 1st-3rd grade autistic/special needs children.  It's basically the same class as last year.  I work with the same teacher and assistants.  For the most part it's been a very smooth transition back and I've actually been able to see some growth in the students.  A separate kindergarten autistic/special needs class has been added to the school.  We go to lunch and gym with them.  Gym days are by far the more exhausting of my days as the kids give me quite a workout!

I continue to babysit Jeremy in the afternoons.  He's made so much progress since I began working with him 2 years ago!  He's now in the 4th grade and loves school.  He still doesn't love hw, but will do half of it while I'm there without having a temper tantrum.  He's moved on from going to social group and occupational therapy to tennis and counseling.  He used to throw really bad temper tantrums when going out places, especially OT.  These days he's very willing to come with me and can handle the ride without the aide of his ds or ipod.  He's also become more independent and flexible when it comes to plans changing.  The hardest part of my evening is when his brother (who just started kindergarten) comes home.  That's when I have to make sure both of them are playing nicely or separated until dinnertime.

Health:   Generally I've been in pretty good health.  This week probably isn't the best example since I had two migraines and a stomach bug that landed me in bed for 36 hours.  Aside from that my migraines have been very minimal and I've had enough energy to handle my very busy days.

Dating Life: No complaints :).  We're reaching the 7 month mark.  Most of our time is spent hanging out and watching a movie or talking over coffee at the end of the day.  My favorite times are when he cooks me dinner.

Family: My dad retired at the end of June.  It's a good thing too because due to the stress he needs his mitral valve replaced.  This month he'll have a stress test and then the doctors and my parents will figure out when his surgery will be.  Right now they're on a cruise and then they'll be visiting my aunt and uncle in Texas. 

Free Time:  Hmmm...what's that? :)  When I do have some time to myself I'm usually out for a walk, talking on the phone with friends, or visiting with friends.  Oh...and cleaning :p.  Not usually my favorite thing to do, but I love the end result!

 I read this the other day and it really touched me.  Although I'm not a parent, I struggled with similar issues when I first started working in a classroom of autistic/special needs students.  When I graduated college I had in my mind a picture of what my teaching career would look like.  The reality of my life is very different.  I've had to go slower and have far different expectations of my students.  The progress I've seen has seemed nonexistent at times, yet looking back it is, without a doubt, profound.  I hope you enjoy this story as much as I did.

 

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.