I can't believe it's almost the end of October and what a difference a year has made! I was reflecting on what my life was like last October compared to this year and my world is radically different.
Last October I spent most of the month confined to my bed or couch. I dealt with asthmatic bronchitis turned pneumonia and swine flu....both of which were accompanied by numerous migraines. I was trying to juggle working as a TA for the Clarkstown district as well as tutoring at Huntington and I was in the process of applying for working with Jeremy.
This year I haven't been sick at all! I've had one migraine requiring imitrex and one headache that was annoying but didn't require medicine. I'm working for the Nyack district now and am secure with my job working with Jeremy. By the way....Jeremy has made incredible progress since last year. He is transitioning so well these days and things that used to cause complete meltdowns are much less of an issue. Hopefully this will continue.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
A Typical Day
In case you wonder what a typical day in my life is like, here are some highlights:
Being greeted in the morning by Max getting off the bus with his hands in the air and saying in his loudest voice possible "I AM A COMPUTER! ALL SYSTEMS A-OK!".
Rodney sleepwalking off the bus (how this is possible with Max still astounds me).
Emmanuel telling me no less than 20 times over the course of the day "Christopher's copying me!!!" This is especially intriguing during morning work time when they are each writing their own name....how this is copying I still don't understand.
Christopher asking me 5 times in 10 minutes "Uh, what's your name again?".
Disciplining Tyler and having him throw an all out screaming tantrum while becoming a cling-on and having to pry him off of me.
Watching to make sure Jack doesn't bite, scratch, or choke me.
Feeding small bites of a sandwich to Aiden who otherwise would put the whole thing in his mouth while crying because it's clean up time. I either have the choice to watch him choke to death or have him spit out the sandwich into a napkin. In case you actually are wondering, I've chosen the second option in the past :).
Small glimpses of children who are slowly gaining comprehension and social skills.
Focusing Tyler, who is my sweet space cadet. One day I want to take a trip to the planet he lives on.
Watching Ben smile. He can't remember anything he did after he left school the day before, but he has the BEST smile.
Getting hugs from Connor. He gives the best hugs ever and has the sweetest eyes.
All this and so much more happen between the hours of 9am and 3:15pm. Today the teacher was at a meeting during the morning so we had a sub. Before she left she came over to me and said "You must be exhausted at the end of your day." Well, I sometimes wish 3:15 was the end of my day, but it's just the middle. I rarely have any trouble sleeping though!
Being greeted in the morning by Max getting off the bus with his hands in the air and saying in his loudest voice possible "I AM A COMPUTER! ALL SYSTEMS A-OK!".
Rodney sleepwalking off the bus (how this is possible with Max still astounds me).
Emmanuel telling me no less than 20 times over the course of the day "Christopher's copying me!!!" This is especially intriguing during morning work time when they are each writing their own name....how this is copying I still don't understand.
Christopher asking me 5 times in 10 minutes "Uh, what's your name again?".
Disciplining Tyler and having him throw an all out screaming tantrum while becoming a cling-on and having to pry him off of me.
Watching to make sure Jack doesn't bite, scratch, or choke me.
Feeding small bites of a sandwich to Aiden who otherwise would put the whole thing in his mouth while crying because it's clean up time. I either have the choice to watch him choke to death or have him spit out the sandwich into a napkin. In case you actually are wondering, I've chosen the second option in the past :).
Small glimpses of children who are slowly gaining comprehension and social skills.
Focusing Tyler, who is my sweet space cadet. One day I want to take a trip to the planet he lives on.
Watching Ben smile. He can't remember anything he did after he left school the day before, but he has the BEST smile.
Getting hugs from Connor. He gives the best hugs ever and has the sweetest eyes.
All this and so much more happen between the hours of 9am and 3:15pm. Today the teacher was at a meeting during the morning so we had a sub. Before she left she came over to me and said "You must be exhausted at the end of your day." Well, I sometimes wish 3:15 was the end of my day, but it's just the middle. I rarely have any trouble sleeping though!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Surrender
Fingers clutch the pearl white box
refusing to let it go.
Hopes, dreams, desires
precious jewels of a perfect future
stored in a fragile container.
I'll let you take a peek of course
give you a glimpse of the beauty inside.
But it's mine
no one else's.
If I let it go it might get damaged
maybe even completely shattered
or worse
you might take it from me,
leaving me empty handed.
You desperately yearn for my alabaster box
slowly and gently you reach for my hand.
You don't seize
but lovingly you wrap yourself around me.
My fingers tremble
I look away from my box
into your eyes.
My grip loosens,
then tightens,
a power struggle of emotions ensues
until I relinquish control
and let go.
I watch as my box falls and shatters.
My treasure lies scattered on the floor.
Tears spring forth
as you pick up the pieces
and set them aside.
I stare in wonder
as you show me your
hopes, dreams, and desires for me.
Riches beyong my imagination.
I thought I held a treasure
but yours is so much more
too much for my hands to hold.
So with empty hands I surrender
and let you fill me up.
refusing to let it go.
Hopes, dreams, desires
precious jewels of a perfect future
stored in a fragile container.
I'll let you take a peek of course
give you a glimpse of the beauty inside.
But it's mine
no one else's.
If I let it go it might get damaged
maybe even completely shattered
or worse
you might take it from me,
leaving me empty handed.
You desperately yearn for my alabaster box
slowly and gently you reach for my hand.
You don't seize
but lovingly you wrap yourself around me.
My fingers tremble
I look away from my box
into your eyes.
My grip loosens,
then tightens,
a power struggle of emotions ensues
until I relinquish control
and let go.
I watch as my box falls and shatters.
My treasure lies scattered on the floor.
Tears spring forth
as you pick up the pieces
and set them aside.
I stare in wonder
as you show me your
hopes, dreams, and desires for me.
Riches beyong my imagination.
I thought I held a treasure
but yours is so much more
too much for my hands to hold.
So with empty hands I surrender
and let you fill me up.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Blue skies
golden sun
cloudless skies
evidence of God's blessing
favor
anointing.
Light streams through the fog
cascading through the trees
radiant beams
illuminating
breaking apart
testifying that God is in the midst of doubt
uncertainty
confusion
Storm clouds gather
blocking out the sun.
Rain pours down
harsh cold winds blow.
God is here
in the height of the storm
call out his name
you will find him
As a side note: This isn't the formatting I'd prefer for this poem. I have no idea how to save changes made with regard to spacing. I typed this poem how it was supposed to look, saved it, and yet it publishes without any of the formatting I intended. If anyone knows how to fix this I'd appreciate it if you could help me. Thanks!
golden sun
cloudless skies
evidence of God's blessing
favor
anointing.
Light streams through the fog
cascading through the trees
radiant beams
illuminating
breaking apart
testifying that God is in the midst of doubt
uncertainty
confusion
Storm clouds gather
blocking out the sun.
Rain pours down
harsh cold winds blow.
God is here
in the height of the storm
call out his name
you will find him
As a side note: This isn't the formatting I'd prefer for this poem. I have no idea how to save changes made with regard to spacing. I typed this poem how it was supposed to look, saved it, and yet it publishes without any of the formatting I intended. If anyone knows how to fix this I'd appreciate it if you could help me. Thanks!
Friday, October 8, 2010
My Favorite Moment
This has been a rather hard week in the sense that I'm rather sleep deprived and I've had to deal with alot of discipline issues. After getting done with work on Wed I made the comment to a friend that if I never have to deal with another child's temper tantrum in this life it will still be too soon. I think part of it had to do with the weather change. Who knew going from days on end of rain to bright, beautiful, sunny days would be so hard?
In light of the fact that I spend the majority of my day with children who are extremely demanding of my time and energy, some people (including myself sometimes) wonder why I do what I do. Here's the reason: Jayden's moment. Now you're probably wondering who Jayden is. Jayden is a first grader who lives in the projects of Nyack. You can often see him breakdancing in line as we walk down the hall. EVERYBODY knows Jayden. He's developing his knack at being a pick-pocket (though he's gotten caught several times) and has been known to try to figure out how to get into a locked car. It is very important to keep an eye on Jayden at all times during recess for that reason. We believe that Jayden suffers from MR though. He has a hard time remembering concepts like colors, letters, and numbers. In fact, counting is an issue because he doesn't always start at one....let alone go in order after that.
Yesterday we were playing Chutes and Ladders (the other reason I love my job is cause I can spend my afternoons playing board games) and it was Jayden's turn. He spun the spinner and landed on 6. I asked him what number he landed on, anticipating that he'd just guess. He told me it was a 6. I then assumed that it was a lucky guess, but congratulated him anyway on getting the correct answer. Then I asked him to count to six. Normally this process is (1) Jayden counting his way (2) me showing him how to count (3) Jayden trying to count like I do, but unsuccesfully and (4) us counting correctly together. Yesterday, however, Jayden counted to 6 ALL BY HIMSELF! He was actually able to correctly identify the number 6 independently and count from 1-6 correctly on his own several times during the game. It was seriously the highlight of my week.
You should have seen his smile. I wish I had my camera because these are the moments that I love.
In light of the fact that I spend the majority of my day with children who are extremely demanding of my time and energy, some people (including myself sometimes) wonder why I do what I do. Here's the reason: Jayden's moment. Now you're probably wondering who Jayden is. Jayden is a first grader who lives in the projects of Nyack. You can often see him breakdancing in line as we walk down the hall. EVERYBODY knows Jayden. He's developing his knack at being a pick-pocket (though he's gotten caught several times) and has been known to try to figure out how to get into a locked car. It is very important to keep an eye on Jayden at all times during recess for that reason. We believe that Jayden suffers from MR though. He has a hard time remembering concepts like colors, letters, and numbers. In fact, counting is an issue because he doesn't always start at one....let alone go in order after that.
Yesterday we were playing Chutes and Ladders (the other reason I love my job is cause I can spend my afternoons playing board games) and it was Jayden's turn. He spun the spinner and landed on 6. I asked him what number he landed on, anticipating that he'd just guess. He told me it was a 6. I then assumed that it was a lucky guess, but congratulated him anyway on getting the correct answer. Then I asked him to count to six. Normally this process is (1) Jayden counting his way (2) me showing him how to count (3) Jayden trying to count like I do, but unsuccesfully and (4) us counting correctly together. Yesterday, however, Jayden counted to 6 ALL BY HIMSELF! He was actually able to correctly identify the number 6 independently and count from 1-6 correctly on his own several times during the game. It was seriously the highlight of my week.
You should have seen his smile. I wish I had my camera because these are the moments that I love.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The Day That Came and Went
Yesterday came and went. I didn't plan ahead as to how I would spend the day. I didn't make sure I was surrounded by close friends and I didn't spend the weekend reflecting on what happened three years ago or have flashbacks. It was truely a breakthrough.
On October 3, 2007 I was raped by a guy that I considered a friend - or at least I had a relationship with. Truthfully the relationship wasn't much of a relationship because of the emotional abuse that I put up with from him. I was in this relationship on and off for a period of 5 years...culminating in him raping me in my bedroom and my spending the night at the police department recounting every horrific detail.
I spent countless nights having nightmares and flashbacks. I experienced a host of symptoms that went along with Rape Trauma Syndrome. I also went to a Christian counselor who practices theophostic healing. On the year "anniversary" I stayed overnight at a friend's house because I didn't want to be alone. The time leading up to that day brought on a new wave of RTS. I continued experiencing an increase in RTS symptoms leading up to the "anniversary" the following year, but I spent that day with my aunt at my parents' house. She (as is all of my family) is unaware of what happened to me, so she was unaware of the significance the day held for me in my mind.
This year was different though because for the first time I didn't wake up thinking about what the day meant. I didn't spend all of last week (or the month for that matter) dreading yesterday. Part of this could have been due to the fact that I was at a get-together with friends that lasted well into the night and I went to church exhausted, but I also think that a part of it is because over time I've been healing.
I can honestly say that I can't remember the last flashback or nightmare I've had revolving around my rape. I no longer think of myself on a daily basis as a victim and I no longer experience the anxiety and depression that accompanied me on a daily basis. I vaguely remember a time when I thought I had lost my soul and I spent everyday haunted by the memories. Today I feel free - free of my haunting memories, free of the pain, and free to embrace life.
On October 3, 2007 I was raped by a guy that I considered a friend - or at least I had a relationship with. Truthfully the relationship wasn't much of a relationship because of the emotional abuse that I put up with from him. I was in this relationship on and off for a period of 5 years...culminating in him raping me in my bedroom and my spending the night at the police department recounting every horrific detail.
I spent countless nights having nightmares and flashbacks. I experienced a host of symptoms that went along with Rape Trauma Syndrome. I also went to a Christian counselor who practices theophostic healing. On the year "anniversary" I stayed overnight at a friend's house because I didn't want to be alone. The time leading up to that day brought on a new wave of RTS. I continued experiencing an increase in RTS symptoms leading up to the "anniversary" the following year, but I spent that day with my aunt at my parents' house. She (as is all of my family) is unaware of what happened to me, so she was unaware of the significance the day held for me in my mind.
This year was different though because for the first time I didn't wake up thinking about what the day meant. I didn't spend all of last week (or the month for that matter) dreading yesterday. Part of this could have been due to the fact that I was at a get-together with friends that lasted well into the night and I went to church exhausted, but I also think that a part of it is because over time I've been healing.
I can honestly say that I can't remember the last flashback or nightmare I've had revolving around my rape. I no longer think of myself on a daily basis as a victim and I no longer experience the anxiety and depression that accompanied me on a daily basis. I vaguely remember a time when I thought I had lost my soul and I spent everyday haunted by the memories. Today I feel free - free of my haunting memories, free of the pain, and free to embrace life.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Attitude Adjustment
I was recently told by a friend that I needed an attitude adjustment. Although these may seem like rather harsh words, they were said in the context of trying to change how I thought about myself. At the time I was feeling rather stressed out (though how this is different than normal I'm not entirely sure) and the thoughts running through my mind included things like "failure", "not good enough", and "people only care about me when I'm doing the right thing" (being perfect).
Now I know there's a verse in the Bible that talks about judging others, but I find that I'm much more judgemental towards myself than towards others. I could blame it on the belief system that I grew up with, and I'm sure that does have a role, but the truth is that I shouldn't be living in the past. I also think that believing self-depreciating thoughts or lies about oneself is a struggle that many women face on a daily basis.
The truth of the matter is that I'm not perfect. However, just because I do something wrong doesn't give me the right to believe that I'm not loveable/likeable anymore. My true friends will stick with me in spite of my faults and weaknesses. God will not abandon me....although I do have to make sure that there isn't any unconfessed sin hindering my relationship with Him.
The other mindset that I have to be very careful not to succumb to is carrying a burden of guilt. You see, even after I confess my sins, it's still very hard for me not to continually berate myself for the mistake(s) I've made.
I've come to realize that I possess alot of "head-knowledge" but that when it comes to the application process I have a much harder time. It seems that each day God brings about new opportunities for me to learn this lesson. Some days I do ok with not wandering down the road of self-depreciation thoughts but other days I don't do nearly as well. I'm still learning how to take every thought captive and to see myself as God sees me - His child, made perfect by His love and grace.
Now I know there's a verse in the Bible that talks about judging others, but I find that I'm much more judgemental towards myself than towards others. I could blame it on the belief system that I grew up with, and I'm sure that does have a role, but the truth is that I shouldn't be living in the past. I also think that believing self-depreciating thoughts or lies about oneself is a struggle that many women face on a daily basis.
The truth of the matter is that I'm not perfect. However, just because I do something wrong doesn't give me the right to believe that I'm not loveable/likeable anymore. My true friends will stick with me in spite of my faults and weaknesses. God will not abandon me....although I do have to make sure that there isn't any unconfessed sin hindering my relationship with Him.
The other mindset that I have to be very careful not to succumb to is carrying a burden of guilt. You see, even after I confess my sins, it's still very hard for me not to continually berate myself for the mistake(s) I've made.
I've come to realize that I possess alot of "head-knowledge" but that when it comes to the application process I have a much harder time. It seems that each day God brings about new opportunities for me to learn this lesson. Some days I do ok with not wandering down the road of self-depreciation thoughts but other days I don't do nearly as well. I'm still learning how to take every thought captive and to see myself as God sees me - His child, made perfect by His love and grace.
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