The Day That Came and Went

Yesterday came and went. I didn't plan ahead as to how I would spend the day. I didn't make sure I was surrounded by close friends and I didn't spend the weekend reflecting on what happened three years ago or have flashbacks. It was truely a breakthrough.

On October 3, 2007 I was raped by a guy that I considered a friend - or at least I had a relationship with. Truthfully the relationship wasn't much of a relationship because of the emotional abuse that I put up with from him. I was in this relationship on and off for a period of 5 years...culminating in him raping me in my bedroom and my spending the night at the police department recounting every horrific detail.

I spent countless nights having nightmares and flashbacks. I experienced a host of symptoms that went along with Rape Trauma Syndrome. I also went to a Christian counselor who practices theophostic healing. On the year "anniversary" I stayed overnight at a friend's house because I didn't want to be alone. The time leading up to that day brought on a new wave of RTS. I continued experiencing an increase in RTS symptoms leading up to the "anniversary" the following year, but I spent that day with my aunt at my parents' house. She (as is all of my family) is unaware of what happened to me, so she was unaware of the significance the day held for me in my mind.

This year was different though because for the first time I didn't wake up thinking about what the day meant. I didn't spend all of last week (or the month for that matter) dreading yesterday. Part of this could have been due to the fact that I was at a get-together with friends that lasted well into the night and I went to church exhausted, but I also think that a part of it is because over time I've been healing.

I can honestly say that I can't remember the last flashback or nightmare I've had revolving around my rape. I no longer think of myself on a daily basis as a victim and I no longer experience the anxiety and depression that accompanied me on a daily basis. I vaguely remember a time when I thought I had lost my soul and I spent everyday haunted by the memories. Today I feel free - free of my haunting memories, free of the pain, and free to embrace life.