I know who holds tomorrow

There is a hymn that I used to sing as a child and which I still love today.  It's called "I Know Who Holds Tomorrow".  There's a line in the chorus that reads "Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand" and this statement has hit home over the past month.  December marked the fourth month in a row without having my period.  Two pregnancy tests came back negative so I decided to make an appointment with my OB to see what was going on.  The initial diagnosis was that due to stress and being underweight my period had simply vanished.  Upon receiving the results of the bloodwork my doctor called me on my lunch break to tell me my FSH was 70 - an indication that I was well into menopause and that if I am serious about starting a family that I should call a reproductive specialist.  I cried.  It was right before Christmas and almost two weeks until I turned 35.  Surely I hadn't gone into menopause yet.  Yes, for the past few years I had missed a month or two at the most but every time I went to the doctor all they said was that I was stressed out and not to worry so much.  How could they not have known?  And why was it that everyone else I knew went into menopause gradually while I went into it suddenly - 3 months after getting married?  Further test results showed that my follicle count was zero.  I was devastated.

I cried alot.  Not only had I been told I'd never have a family without a lot of serious help but it seemed like every woman I knew was either pregnant or announcing their recent pregnancy.  Ray advised me to get a second opinion.  That appointment will take place on February 3rd.  Since that time I have prayed and asked others to pray for me.  One of my friends who prayed for healing feels certain that God has already healed me and that I will be able to conceive at some point in the future.  I have read and heard stories of women who had been told they'd never have children and yet have given birth.  I have also read the stories of women who have adopted.  While adoption was always something Ray and I had talked about before marriage it isn't something that we're confident about jumping into quite yet.  In the Bible the four stories that come to mind is Sara who conceived at something like 87 years old, Hannah who was barren for unknown reasons and cried out to God who gave her the ability to conceive Samuel and other children, Mary who conceived without having sex (for His highest glory), and the woman who was healed after bleeding for 12 years.  All of these women experiences pain in the area of reproduction and yet God healed them and gave them the desires of their heart.

I don't know about tomorrow, the next day, the next month, or the next year.  I do know how God has transformed my past though.  Five years ago I didn't know Ray.  Marriage was a desire and a dream but far from reality.  I lived in a tiny apartment working 3 part time jobs to pay the rent and ate pasta because I didn't have enough money to buy meat. I was also an emotional wreck.  If I had been told five years ago that in January 2015 I'd be happily married and living in 3 bedroom house with plenty of food to eat I'm not sure I'd have believed it.  Although my career isn't what I had hoped for I usually enjoy going to work and I find great meaning in it.  I went back to school and got a second masters, which was never on my agenda five years ago.  What will the next five years of my life bring?  I don't know.  What I do know is that God has two names that I'm clinging to: El Roi - the God who sees me and Jehovah Rapha - God who heals.  Miracles still happen. Nothing is certain. In the meantime I'm in the process of changing my diet to aide in getting pregnant.  I'm not enthusiastic about the limited caffeine advice.  I'm slowly looking at adoption agency materials.  I'm praying for wisdom and guidance and for these new doctors that I'll be seeing.  I'm trying to focus more on God and what He has already blessed me with and less at what I feel that I lack.

35 Goals

Since I turned 35 I thought I'd attempt to write a list of 35 goals.  Some of them may not be able to realistically accomplish this year, but it's something to strive for.

1. Write 1-2 blog posts a month
2. Be obsessed with my desire to know God more and less about things such as starting a family or         moving forward with my career
3. Try cooking a new recipe each week
4. Read 15 books
5. Write a poem about my wedding
6. Visit Arizona and Colorado
7. Find a nutritionist and eat healthier
8. Gain 10-15 pounds
9. Lift small weights daily
10. Ride at least 4 roller coasters
11. Scan all of my teaching documents into organized folders
12. Set up my writing room
13. Choose photos to put in my wedding albums
14. Update my passport
15. Pay off $3,000 of car debt
16. Be approved for a mortgage on our house.
17. Reduce my student debt by at least $5,000
18. Attend a writing conference
19. Limit my credit card spending to no more than $200 a month
20. Send out wedding thank you cards
21. Get a kitten
22. Begin playing the keyboard again
23. Share my poems with others
24. Share my blog with others
25. Volunteer
26. Share my testimony with others
27. Jump into a pool within a minute of getting on the diving board
28. Make eye contact and say hello to strangers
29. Focus on the positive
30. Complete my gratitude list (get to 1,000)
31. Think outside the box when faced with challenges
32. Be generous with both my time and my money
33. Plant a fig tree in our backyard.
34. Create a lesson plan and have myself video taped teaching it (for my teaching portfolio)
35. Hike the mountain behind my house.