Things I Have Actually Said to my Cats

I have had cats since I was 10 years old and for the life of me I'd never thought I'd hear myself say any of the following:

"Seriously?!? It's just rain! Go back to sleep!"

"If I have to get out of bed and open this door neither one of us will be happy!

"Come back in an hour"

"It's not my fault if I decapitate you because you stuck your neck out the door."

"Does everything on the table have to be on the floor?" Followed by "If you choose to drop something you need to be able to pick it up."

"Can you throw up on the hardwood floor?"

"Why is the picture on my tv blurry? Have you been playing with the cable again?"

"Get out of the refrigerator."

And my all time favorite one: "Stop drinking my coffee"

I'm admitting here that there are times I still get anxious and worry like crazy. I have made tremendous progress since my childhood in this area, but even so, there are days like today when I look at my bank statement and realize the full impact of what not getting paid means.

I could write all about my monetary troubles and the thoughts going through my head, but instead I think I'm going to focus on God and His promises.

Over the past few days these have been some of the verses that I've read and been drawn to:

"You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21

"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94:18-19

"Come, let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our maker, for he is our God. We are the people he watches over, the flock under his care." Psalm 95:6-7

"In a desert land he found [her], in a barren and howling waste. He shielded [her] and cared for [her]; he guarded [her]as the apple of his eye." Deuteronomy 32:10

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul." Psalm 31:7

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"This is what the Lord says to his anointed,....I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45

The Last Day of School

I should have been excited about today. After all it was the LAST day of school for the year! In reality we stopped actual teaching a while ago in order to focus more on packing up the classroom. There comes a certain liberation in being freed from the classroom itself for the summer though. While the kids can be challenging at times, I find the rest of the teaching world to be quite exhausting. This includes, but is certainly not limited to, waking up daily at 5:30am, providing counseling regarding personal issues, rubrics, grades, and assessments to both teachers and assistants alike, delving into the political minefield of teacher-teacher relationships as well as teacher-principal relationships, avoiding certain parents who are certifiable stalkers, and maintaining my composure during hour long meetings in which complaints are numberous and solutions few.

This year, although I was happy for the summer to begin, I was also grieving because I'm not entirely sure if I'm coming back next year or not. The plan was for me to move to 1st grade with this class. The letter sitting on my kitchen table states otherwise. Now, I realize that this isn't necessarily the end. Lots of things can change by the end of August and there may indeed be a reinstatement of my position. My thoughts on which way it'll go depends on the mood I'm in on any given day.

I left today without saying goodbyes. Ryan asked me if he'd see me next year in first grade. I had too much of a lump in my throat to answer him, so I simply gave him a hug and told him to have a good summer. Some of the other staff members asked if they would see me next year as well. My standard reply - "I don't know, hopefully". I couldn't bear the thought of not being in the building everyday and seeing these people who have become my friends, and so I left without saying any permanent goodbyes.

For now I'll continue to pray that I get an e-mail or a phone call with good news for September.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Memories

In honor of my Grandma's 90th birthday I wrote her a poem. I honestly didn't know what else to get her as a gift. It's probably not the best writing ever, but it does come from my heart.

Memories

I remember sleepovers

sheer white curtains blowing in the back bedroom

violets on the plant stand.

I remember family get togethers

playing with my cousins in the backyard

while the adults sat around and chatted.

I remember Christmas Eves

the plays, the singing, the Norwegian desserts

singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus

opening and playing with our presents.

I remember Sundays

you always sat in the second left side pew

afterwards we'd walk you and Grandpa to the corner

listening to the discussions you'd have with my Dad.

I remember you always being there

graduations, concerts, recitals, award ceremonies

always proud of my accomplishments.

I remember sporadic visits to your house

I always knew I was welcomed

and you always had a snack.

I remember laundry on the clothesline

books by the couch, games in the closet,

laughter in the air.

Thank you for all the wonderful memories you gave me.

Have a wonderful 90th birthday!

A Step in the Right Direction....

After a week of waiting I finally got an answer to what I'm doing for income this summer. I was told that the position at Jawanio was no longer available because the girl who had said she was taking the summer off decided to stay. I actually anticipated an answer like this...not that the position was no longer available, but I got the feeling that I wouldn't be working for Jawanio in a classroom setting.

As soon as I got off the phone I made a call to Huntington, where I've previously worked as a tutor. I was immediately put back on their schedule starting July 6th. Although this wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, I also know that this is exactly the place where God wants me to be working this summer.

I left Huntington for a few reasons back in October. One of them was the fact that I never had a set schedule. This is the very nature of the business - I could work 2 hours a week or I could work 20. Sometimes I start out being scheduled for 20 and only end up working 10. Other weeks I start out with 2 hrs of scheduled time and end up working 10 hrs. Steady income, tutoring is not. Some of the other drawbacks were a payraise freeze, being left in charge of the entire building on short notice, and always being asked to do extra things, like run meetings, without any sort of compensation.

Some of the perks of working there included having an extremely flexible schedule, being respected by those who worked there, and sometimes actually working in a stress-free environment. In case you're wondering - those days are usually not the same ones where I suddenly find myself in charge or the building. Another perk is continuing to build a relationship with my boss Krista.

Last summer I got to know Krista a little better. I learned that she would like to go back to church, that she actually lives across the street from the church I'm a member of, and that she knows a few of my friends at church (it's a very small world). Since I left Huntington, I've lost contact with Krista, so I'm thankful for the opportunity to reconnect.

There are still a lot of questions I have unanswered as to what direction the rest of my life is going on. I'm just thankful that I have additional income this summer, which hopefully means that I'll be financially stable for the next two months. After that, I have no idea. Fortunately God does and that gives me a great sense of comfort.

Facing Disapointment

So the other day I was reading about Elijah. I like Elijah. His life is full or ups and downs, kind of like mine. Actually, the part I was reading about had more to do with the widow and her son than it did Elijah. Here's this poor widow just trying to survive in the midst of a horrible famine. She meets Elijah on the night that she is preparing her last meal for her and her son before they die. Maybe it's a bit overdramatic, but sometimes life does feel that way. Elijah comes to her and asks her to share what little bit she has left. The Bible doesn't record what she says, but I believe that I can actually feel her frustration with this request because there are times when I barely have anything left to give and it seems that God asks just a little bit more from me. I actually start to feel resentment when this happens. Thankfully that feeling goes away.

Anyway....so the widow decides to share her meager supplies and she and her son survive....for a while. Then, out of the blue, her son dies. Now, this is where life gets really hard. You're at the end of your rope, you are given a brief glimpse of hope, and then everything falls apart anyway. It seems like cruel and unusual punishment. This is where I'm at right now.

In my last post I wrote about one of my messy days and how there was one bright spot during the day in which I got a phone call from Jawanio about a summer job. Not only a summer job, but the perfect summer job it seemed because it would start on July 12th and go until Aug. 20th from 8:30am - 2pm. It was perfect hours - it let me sleep in a little longer and gave me plenty of time to pick up Jeremy from camp. It was the perfect days because it allowed me to feel some sense of having a vacation, yet still get a steady paycheck. The unknowns were the exact job responsibilities as well as pay. When I talked to Laura (my HR person) she gave me this woman Gail's extension. I was told that Gail was very excited to meet me and that I'd need to come in soon just to talk things over. When I talked with Gail she made it sound as if we were just having an informational meeting. Later, when I talked with Laura again I was told that the "talk" was actually a formal interview. Laura was convinced that I'd be given the job right then and there and even said that she'd call later in the day to arrange a time for me to pick up some additional forms and to be fingerprinted (yet again). In my mind I had the job - plain and simple.

Or not. The interview was, um, very different than what I expected. Gail's questions all centered on my future goals. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"and "If you were reinstated by Clarkstown would you return?" (honestly, she already knew the answer to that one) were some of the questions she asked me. In addition, she made the comment that "public school ta's often have a hard time with this job because they're used to sitting all day and having the kids bring them work. They're not used to getting down and dirty with the kids." OK, so I'm not quite sure what to think at this point. And then she tells me that she'll call next week with her decision. Next week?!?! Really? I look at her confused and then tell her about Laura calling me later that night about paperwork. Gail's response? "Well, Laura wants everything done yesterday. I have another person interviewing for the position though....either later today or sometime tomorrow....I can't remember. But it wouldn't be fair to make a decision right now." Another person interviewing?!?!?

Maybe I won't have the "perfect" summer job after all. As if that weren't enough, I had a meeting with my principal on Friday. When I asked her about being rehired in the fall she informed me that everything was based on senority in the district. Being hired in Dec. 2008 doesn't give me a whole lot of senority, so my chances of not coming back just rose. My principal also informed me that I should probably be taking a proactive approach to looking for another job - just friendly advice. She doesn't want to lose me, but she also knows that the odds aren't in my favor. Great...not only may I not have much of an income for the summer, but it's not looking too promising for the fall either.

The thing is I had already been in this position before. I wasn't sure about what I was doing for income during the summer and I already had the conversation about being let go from the school district. Then, I was given hope - the offer of a summer job as well as the budget passing which allowed for less cuts. I feel as though the rug has been swept out from under me.

I don't know for sure what became of the widow and her son. I do know that God answered Elijah's prayers and brought the widow's son back to life. I wonder if she had to endure even more disappointments along the road of life. Honestly, I'm not sure how to deal with disappointment. I know it hurts. I also know that God is good and that He'll continue to provide for me. I just wish I knew what that looked like sometimes.

The Messy Days

I very rarely do this...but I'm going out on a limb and being vulnerable and completely honest. For a while now I've been sensing that I need to become more vulnerable and so today I'm going to tell you about the messy side of my life. These are the days I wish I could redo...or skip altogether, but they are a part of life and we all have them unfortunately.

Yesterday I learned of two similar tragedies that happened to two different friends. My one friend Nasha was supposed to have a healthy baby girl...instead she succumbed to something that only 1% of women who go into labor develop. At 9:30am I learned that her baby had died unexpectedly and that she was fighting for her life. Finally I learned at 7:30pm that she was ok - at least in the physical sense. Later that same afternoon I learned that another friend also lost her baby and she was rather far along too. Basically it was just a day full of shock, numbness, and general sadness.

So today I woke up with some of those same feelings. I cried through breakfast. I did my devotional reading out of habit, but quite honestly barely remember any of it. Except the first part of the potion of Ecclesiastes I read which said "When people live to be very old, let them rejoice in every day of life. But let them also remember there will be many dark days. Everything still to come is meaningless." Yep...got to love Eccelesiastes to brighten life up a bit. Praying? Yeah....no...that really didn't happen today either.

Today at school was field day. As one of my students so aptly put it "it's wild out there - there are parents." Ah yes, a five year old with wisdom! And it was - wild and there were lots of parents. By 10:30am my students voluntarily got their rest mats to lay down and I wished I could join them. Later on during recess that same student who had been oh so wise earlier decided she needed to show me something. That something? A trapeeze like move on the fire engine jungle gym. She missed the bar and barely missed a landing that I thought for sure would paralize her. My heart literally stopped. Fortunately all that happened was a good scare and the wind knocked out of her.

In addition to this all of the staff at school are on edge because of all the changes taking place. Kelly is particularly stressed....adding to whatever stress I had before yesterday. By the end of the day I was beyond exhausted. I got in my car and promptly cried again.

A note of good news should be inserted here: I did get a call about a summer position which would be absolutely perfect. In the midst of all this I managed to set up the interview for tomorrow. Hopefully it's less of an emotional day.

On to Jeremy's house I go....and in the process of getting a migraine from lack of sleep and crying. Woo hoo. I take some imitrex. Jeremy is wonderful and even though by 3:30 my body is starting to go into pain and my back is killing me he doesn't mind getting the baseball for me or complain that I'm walking to first base instead of running. I have no ambition to push myself. By the time we get to social group I'm in such agonizing pain that sitting on a couch surrounded by pillows is painful - let alone doing anything. I am now counting down the minutes until I see the chiropractor over by Jeremy's house in Suffern.

This is where things get particularly exciting. See, over the past few weeks it's become a habit for Jeremy and I to go to Rockland Bakery after social group for a bagel. Now I have no desire to prolong our trip home and Jeremy just had a party at group since it was his last day so I proceed to go directly home. Jeremy then says to me "I want to go to Rockland Bakery." Uh oh. I explain that he just ate and that I was in the wrong lane and that we'd be home soon. Full. Blown. Temper. Tantrum.....and now I'm just counting down the minutes until we get home when....

TRAFFIC!!!! Like the entire westbound thruway is at a standstill. This doesn't help Jeremy's temper tantrum. And this is where I fully want to throw my own temper tantrum. Now I put in a phone call to his mom...complete with screaming and banging in the background...then I put in a call to the chiropractor - thankfully minus the screaming and banging. As we approached the thruway entrance (the Palisades Parkway was also backed up) Jeremy's dad called to tell me that he'd meet us at McDonald's in Nanuet. This would normally thrill me except for the fact that I still have to get to Suffern by 6:45.

We wait in line at McDonalds and I decide that I'm having a milkshake for dinner...just because. Jeremy's dad pays. I barely get out of the parking lot before the tears start again. Within 10 min I'm completely crying while navigating the backroads of Rockland County to get to Suffern. Amazingly this only took 15 min and I honestly had no idea where I was going.

I have an amazing chiropractor who stayed late just to help me...which he did because when I left the office I wasn't in any pain whatsoever and I felt like I could deal with life again....at least until tomorrow anyway.