My Strength Comes from God Alone

I love to read.  I especially love to read books aimed at helping me be a better person and have a better relationship with God.  Sometimes life throws you for an insane loop and there aren't any books to help  you know what to do.  I'm a planner and sometimes more than anything I want a plan.  I want the "right" words to say and I want to know the exact way to fix something or help someone.

I don't want to go into all the details, but between me working 3 jobs, Ray's unemployment struggles, and the passing of Ray's close friend due to cancer things are....well....stressful.  So I'm turning to the only book that can help: The Bible.

"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:7

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.  From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I."  Psalm 61:1-2

"In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.  Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.  Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress....For you have been my hope, O Soverign Lord, my confidence since my youth."  Psalm 71 1-3,5

So, if you think of it please pray for us during this rough season.  I know that this will pass and that I  need to take things one day at a time, leaning heavily on God and His Word for my strength.

A "Typical" Day/Week

I really enjoyed reading Steph's post on indiansandpirates about how she spent her day so I thought I'd try to give my reader's a glimpse into my life as well.  Weekday mornings my routine stays pretty much the same.

5:50am - My radio turns on and I register that I'm listening to the news.  I try to wake my mind up enough so that I can listen to what the weather will be.  Most days it's a lost cause :).

6:05 - My cell phone alarm rings.  I shut it off and tell myself I need to get up now.

6:08 - My body agrees with my mind and I get out of bed :).  I proceed to take a shower, praying that the hot water will stay on as this isn't a guarantee.  For some strange reason I find that there is more hot water when the weather is warmer and less when the weather is colder.  Go figure.

7:00 - I start boiling water for oatmeal and pour a cup of coffee.  I sit down to read devotions, followed by catching up with the world of fb, reading interesting articles in the Journal News (online edition), and checking the weather and email.

7:35 - Put on makeup, put breakfast away, do some dishes, pack lunch for school, feed the cats, fill up my thermos with coffee, clean out the cats litter box, make sure I have everything ready for the day.

8:15 - Leave for school

8:40ish - Arrive at school

8:40 - 12:30: Usually the students start off in 3 groups of reading and writing activities and I work with one group.  There are rotations of the groups and we combine with the kindergarten self contatined class @11am.  At 12pm we take the kids outside for recess.

12:30 - My lunch break.  I either sit in my car and read or make phone calls or I get some errands done.

1:15 - Go back to school.  The kids are now working in math centers.  At 2pm they have snack and at 2:30 we go to special (gym, art, or music).

3:15 - I leave school.

Here's where everything kind of changes.

On some Mondays I stay in school until 4:30 for meetings.  Otherwise I go straight to the chiropractors and then I'm free for the evening to do whatever.  I LOVE these days!

TUES/WED/THURS - I pick Jeremy up from his after school program at 3:45.  I get hime home by 4pm.  He takes the dog out and I get his snack, meds, and my coffee ready.  As I side note: I LOVE that his parents own a kurig and I can make as much coffee as I want and eat whatever I find in the pantry.  We either have tennis, counseling (a 30-40min one way commute), or OT/social group (a 20-25 min one way commute). 

TUES - Leave Jeremy's house @6:30.  Sometime's I go to dinner at my friend's Nancy's house.  Othertimes I go to a 7pm movie with Ray, and sometimes I get this night to myself.

WED - Leave Jeremy's house @7pm.   Usually I'm free after this point.

THURS - Leave Jeremy's house @7:15pm, try to make it to small group by 7:30ish.  Group can last until 9 or 9:30pm.

FRI - Go to the chiropractor's by 3:45 and I have the night FREE!!!!  Woo Hoo!!

7:30 is usually when I start making dinner and I'm eating by 8pm.  If I have any errands to run after leaving Jeremy's then dinner is obviously later.  After 8:30 I'm usually spending some time on the computer, washing dishes, starting lunch prep for the next day, making sure the coffee maker is ready to go for the next morning.  Every now and then I can get into bed @10:30pm, but usually I'm in bed between 11 and 11:30pm.  Tues nights and Thurs night tend to be nights that I make it to bed between 12 and 12:30am.

Cover Letters

Tis the season....the resume and cover letter season that is!  It seems that school districts advertise numerous job postings during the months of April and May.  There's a website that I go on which allows me to click on a specific job and upload my resume and job specific cover letter to them.  Although the cover letter is optional, it is much better to include it.  Not that this has landed me an "actual" teaching job (it is my opinion that I do actually teach, I just don't receive the salary or benefits....oh, and I don't have to do lesson plans or conferences).  Normally the process is one in which I do my best to put a coherent and personal letter together in the midst of my crazy schedule - you know, somewhere around midnight after I've been working 10-12 hours.  Reminds me of college except that I never get to see my grades.

This week, however, I'm attempting something a little different.  The district in which I currently work for is looking for a reading teacher with prior professional development experience.  I possess the credentials, minus the experience part.  The teacher I work with is highly supportive of me applying for the position.  I have already expressed interest in the position to my principal, but at the time the position wasn't listed as available.  The position was recently listed on the website and my job this week is to not only apply, but to write a cover letter that conveys my current strengths/skills for this particular position to the superintendant.  Considering that I'm not entirely sure that I'm capable of doing this job ("Hi, my name is Carol and I'm a pessimist.") this task seems quite daunting.  So....if you think of it, please pray for the right words to write and time in which to write this.

As a side note: In case you're wondering about Ray's job situation, I wish I had an answer. There has been some unexpected delays.  Hey, no news is good news, right?  Regardless of the answer, I know that God knows our hearts and dreams better than even we do and that He ALWAYS has our best interests at stake.  He can also make the seemingly impossible possible. 

Trying to Stay Focused

Today I caught myself anticipating the future.  For those of you who don't know, Ray lost his job about a month ago.  About a week and a half ago an opportunity presented itself for a job to open up managing the buildings and grounds at an apartment complex in the area.  Now, although Ray doesn't have any paid experience in this particular field, he enjoys working with his hands and improving the conditions of buildings and grounds (hence the elaborate kitchen remodel awhile back).  Fortunately the person he interviewed with is someone that Ray knows - definitely a benefit in these situations.  Ray passed the mechanical/tool test he was given with flying colors and his name has been passed on with a high recommendation to the supervisors of the complex.  Hopefully he'll get hired sometime next week.  Oh....did I tell you that a benefit of this job is that after 3 months he'll be offered a free apartment with utilies included?  Nice, right?   There's also the strong possibility of taking on a supervisory position after 6 months, but let's not get ahead of ourselves...... :)

Anyway, the possibility of a steady income lures me into fantasizing and wondering if maybe, just maybe, there'll be enough money to purchase a ring and perhaps this time next year I could be either planning a wedding or possibly even starting the process of moving into his apartment (after we're married of course).   Just when I start picturing what I hope may be reality, I'm reminded to STOP.

Because I need to live and focus on the present.

I'm not saying that I'm not hopeful, but I need to be careful not to get caught up in the fantasy because things don't tend to go exactly as I plan and God's timing has never really matched up with my timing. The job may fall through or finances may be needed for things other than a symbolic piece of jewelry.  Today, however, I'm choosing to trust God and His timing because even if things don't turn out the way I anticipate, God is still good and He knows my needs and desires even better than I do.

This Week

This week I've:

Listen as a terrified girl is afraid to go home at night because her mom is mean but is also afraid of being taken away from everything she knows (there is an open investigation)

Had a student find a bunch unidentified pills that he found on the rockingchair.  Thankfully our nonverbal student who eats anything didn't find them first.

Been embarrased as several boys discussed how they can only marry girls in front of a parent who will be marrying his gay partner in June.

Gotten a text that one of our buses was in a minor accident.  The kids were very shaken up, but no one was injured.

Had a conversation with the boy I babysit about how I don't know where autism and tourett's syndrome come from, I'm not sure why there was a forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, Eve probably ate the apple because she didn't trust that God's way was the best way, yes: God is stronger than the devil ever will be, God doesn't make mistakes with how He creates people, and he can talk with God anytime about anything.  FYI: the boy I watch is autistic, has touretts and ADD, and is Jewish.

Thankfully tomorrow is the last day of school for a little while. :D

March Update

Goodness, it's hard to believe that we're 3 weeks away from Easter break.  The warm weather is definitely helping though!  We've had extra recess nearly every day for the past week in addition to having music classes outside. 

Although the weather is cooperating I wish I could say things at school were going as smoothly.  Before I get into prayer requests though, I'll start with the praises :)

1. The Spanish speaking kindergarten student who used to run away has been very cooperative and more talkative lately.

2. My dyslexic student got an 80% on her last spelling test which was a huge accomplishment for her.

3. K has been initiating 4 word sentences with the correct word order.  For example, he now says "Can I clean up?"  instead of "clean up?" or "can clean I up?"

Prayer Requests:

1. C. is continuing his agressive behavior to the point that at his meeting on April 2nd there will be a discussion as to placing him in an ED (emotionally disturbed) school.  In addition to threats, C. has also been telling the boys in our class that it's ok to love other boys, kiss them, and marry them.  Some of the boys agree and others don't.  It's a touchy subject to address since C.'s dads are getting married this summer.

2. My dyslexic student has been revealing alot about her home life.  Unfortunately the school psychologist has already called CPS once and the mom got very upset, so there is alot of hesitation to call them again.  Today my student came to school at noon all by herself in a taxi.  Mom had given the driver some money in advance.  This 8 years old girl has 3 other siblings by 2 other fathers.  Both her mom and dad are severely learning disabled and mom got pregnant with her oldest daughter (now 11yrs old) when she was 14.  Please pray that this lovely girl doesn't go down the same road and that she gets the help she so desperately needs.

3. The budget is being presented tonight so by tomorrow we'll know how many teachers and assistants will get laid off this year.  My guess is that I'll be one of them again.

Hope

The Background: I've always struggled with friendships.  I have a naturally introverted personality and add to that a dysfunctional childhood, the number of people I grew up with calling "friends" was limited.    It is a very long story, but sometime after college I began attending a church in the area and over time I did form some very close friendships there.  The church was very small, so by 2009 I was less a part of a congregation and more a part of a close family.

That's when my world starting crumbling.  A devestrating sudden death, followed by the move of my closest friend left the church shaken.  Another elder left suddenly and we were faced with the very real possibility of closing.  We reached out to the Christian and Missionary Alliance for help.  It was proposed that we "merge" with another CMA congregation.  Although this proposal seemed somewhat scary, it also seemed like it was our only hope - and we desperately needed some new people who weren't burnt out.  I was one of the ones in favor of the change and tried to encourage others towards this course.  In theory this was the perfect solution.

The Reality:  Unfortunately the reality was harder than any of us expected.  There was miscommunication, misunderstanding, and a whole lot of hurt.  By the fall of 2011 practically everyone that attended the original church, and whom I considered my family, had left.  Ray and I continued to attend services there because we didn't feel that God wanted us to leave.  However, we went halfheartedly because (1) the "new" church had a very different type of worship service than we were used to (2) we had been removed from ministry when the other congregation took over and (3) we honestly didn't know anyone really well, and besides, they were the ones that "took over" and intentionally or unintentionally drove our friends away.  Now I realize that I could have reached out to people and tried to form new relationships, but being hurt and having an introverted personality meant that most days all I wanted to do was leave church as quickly as possible.  I have to admit that Sundays were more like a day of torture than a day of worshiping God.

The Present: The church is currently doing a study which involves getting together in small groups. They did this during the fall as well, however, the groups would get together during different times of the week and at various homes.  Neither Ray nor I were able to attend any due to our work schedules.  This time, however, we meet as a congregation on Sunday evenings for a meal, watch a video together, and then break up into small groups.  Often I would come away from these times very sad because I still felt lonely and out of place. I barely talked with anyone and the people I did speak with I didn't feel a sense of connection. Last Sunday, however, was VERY different.

Sunday: The college girls who are in my small group were on break.  This meant that my group consisted of women closer to my age and who are going through similiar situations.  One of the women is from another congregation, but her boyfriend attends our church.  She felt led to share how she was struggling leaving her church family.  That opened the door for me to share how I had been feeling about our church's transition. Not in a negative way, but in an honest way.  The group lasted much longer than the alloted time, but in the end the Holy Spirit had somehow healed the hurt that I had been feeling and allowed me to connect with the other women in my group.  Not that they can replace the friendships that I used to have at church, but it gave me a sense of hope.  Hope that a new journey is beginning with new friendships.