Since college I have moved 4 times - all of which have been my choice. I am beginning the process of starting a 5th move. This time it isn't my choice. My landlords have decided to sell their house. Currently they are deciding as to whether I need to move out before they start showing the house in April or if they want me to stay on as their tenant until the house sells (whenever that is) and hire a cleaning lady for the whole house to make sure it stays in "show" condition.
I have already started looking for apartments, but the options are slim right now. I don't know how long I'll have to pack, or how much I should be packing. Not that it matters since I don't have any boxes yet. The only thing I can do right now is clean and de-clutter - never a bad process even if a move wasn't impending. And pray - for guidance as to the right place, the right timing, the time needed to clean/organize/pack, the strength/motivation to move once again, and the financial resources necessary to undo some of my cats' damage to my current apartment as well as afford a new place.
I recently read the following in a devotional: "Desperate dependence is where you surrender, not to the circumstances or to loss, but to God. Desperate dependence is the place where we can stop living by our own power. It's where we discover God's strength in and through us."
Today I'm depending on Him....and looking forward to seeing how He will work everything out for me.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It's been an intense week back after my winter break from work. Monday actually went pretty well (I think we were all in shock after having a week off), so I should say it's been an intense two days.
The class I work in now consists of 11 full day students and 2 half day students - meaning that in the afternoon we have a grand total of 13 kids: 12 boys and 1 girl. This means that if one student is even remotely off, the rest go off as well and the room can get very loud. We've had several meltdowns, a few children vomiting (not because they're sick, mind you), and one child who just pulled down his pants in the middle of recess and attempted to pee on one of the other kids - simply because it amused him.
Not only are the students stressed, but the staff is stressed as well. The teacher, Kerri, is going through cse annual reviews (think parent-teacher conference that includes various chair-people from the district offices, in addition to creating various lesson plans for the new students, and all other teaching duties. The younger assistant, Jessica (she's 25), just broke up with her boyfriend over break and found out that her roommate has moved in with her boyfriend and is engaged to be married to him in October and she wants Jessica to be her maid of honor. In addition to the emotional stress she's handling, Jessica has to figure out where to live come October. She's also going to school for her master's degree. The other asssistant, Ada (she's 37), just found out that her father is dying. She will be flying to the Dominican Republic tomorrow evening - leaving her husband and two children back here. She may be gone only a few days, but it could also be longer. She wants to take her father back to the States with her so that the doctor's here can treat him, but at the moment he wants to stay in the DR. Typically we don't get substitutes when any of the assistants need a day off. Since Ada will be taking more than one day off I'm not sure if we will actually resort to using a sub.
Either way....the next few days are going to be just as stressful as the last two for me. Any and all prayers for everyone in the classroom that I work in are appreciated.
The class I work in now consists of 11 full day students and 2 half day students - meaning that in the afternoon we have a grand total of 13 kids: 12 boys and 1 girl. This means that if one student is even remotely off, the rest go off as well and the room can get very loud. We've had several meltdowns, a few children vomiting (not because they're sick, mind you), and one child who just pulled down his pants in the middle of recess and attempted to pee on one of the other kids - simply because it amused him.
Not only are the students stressed, but the staff is stressed as well. The teacher, Kerri, is going through cse annual reviews (think parent-teacher conference that includes various chair-people from the district offices, in addition to creating various lesson plans for the new students, and all other teaching duties. The younger assistant, Jessica (she's 25), just broke up with her boyfriend over break and found out that her roommate has moved in with her boyfriend and is engaged to be married to him in October and she wants Jessica to be her maid of honor. In addition to the emotional stress she's handling, Jessica has to figure out where to live come October. She's also going to school for her master's degree. The other asssistant, Ada (she's 37), just found out that her father is dying. She will be flying to the Dominican Republic tomorrow evening - leaving her husband and two children back here. She may be gone only a few days, but it could also be longer. She wants to take her father back to the States with her so that the doctor's here can treat him, but at the moment he wants to stay in the DR. Typically we don't get substitutes when any of the assistants need a day off. Since Ada will be taking more than one day off I'm not sure if we will actually resort to using a sub.
Either way....the next few days are going to be just as stressful as the last two for me. Any and all prayers for everyone in the classroom that I work in are appreciated.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Grace
Just one more
taste
text
smoke
drink
bet
look
Just one more time.
The desire is so urgent; so immanent
The fulfillment is so fleeting; so superficial
Just one more time
then I'll quit.
This time for good.
I can do it
you'll see,
but first let me do this
just one more time.
Guilt shrouds around me
a cloak too heavy to wear.
I stumble under its weight
and my heart aches;
longing to fill the void
I reach once again for
the phone
cigarette
glass
ticket
remote
telling myself
just one more time.
My will is too weak
so I cry out to You.
Undeserving, unworthy
humble, repentent.
You hear my cry;
see my heart
and You alone give me strength
to make it the next hour.
Though I may still stumble,
Your grace intercedes
and flows over me
like a spring rain.
In the words of a good friend "Only God can relieve an obsession....if we let Him".
taste
text
smoke
drink
bet
look
Just one more time.
The desire is so urgent; so immanent
The fulfillment is so fleeting; so superficial
Just one more time
then I'll quit.
This time for good.
I can do it
you'll see,
but first let me do this
just one more time.
Guilt shrouds around me
a cloak too heavy to wear.
I stumble under its weight
and my heart aches;
longing to fill the void
I reach once again for
the phone
cigarette
glass
ticket
remote
telling myself
just one more time.
My will is too weak
so I cry out to You.
Undeserving, unworthy
humble, repentent.
You hear my cry;
see my heart
and You alone give me strength
to make it the next hour.
Though I may still stumble,
Your grace intercedes
and flows over me
like a spring rain.
In the words of a good friend "Only God can relieve an obsession....if we let Him".
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Winter's Journey
I look out on the icy path before me.
How glorious the world looks encased in snow and ice;
silent, peaceful, dangerous.
And so I take a step gingerly,
holding my breath;
anticipation fills my soul.
Still standing I take yet another.
Slowly I make my way down.
Gaining confidence
trust
security
I go a little faster.
But the ice is slicker than I anticipated;
It catches me off guard.
I clutch the air
as my knees give way.
Heart pounding
I'm on the ground.
I hurt too much to move,
cold wind lashes my face
as my tears stream down.
Why did I take this path I wonder;
Will I ever get back on my feet?
Then suddenly the gray clouds part
revealing a faint winter's sun.
The wind stills
replaced by a radiant warmth
that gives me hope.
I reach out my hand and You grasp it.
I struggle to stand
holding tight to Your hand.
I still feel the ache of my fall
yet the warmth in Your eyes dulls my pain.
Though the ice is still perilous
You teach me to walk.
Not gingerly, not quickly;
but confidently, steadfastly,
keeping my hand in Yours
and my eyes on You.
As I become enraptured by this winter's world once again.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Irony of Ice
It's an understatement to say that I'm not a big fan of cold weather, or anything cold for that matter. I don't even like ice cubes in my water. So it really isn't suprising that I don't like ice storms. Especially when I'm the one shoveling the ice.
The other day we had one of those rare snow days in which my landlords left for work before the storm finished without touching the driveway. This wouldn't have been horrible if I hadn't needed to go out later to watch Jeremy (who's mom later called me as I was almost to the house to cancel...the best laid plans, right?). Anyway, in order to even get to my car without falling I needed to shovel. And shovel I did....almost the whole driveway in fact. I have to admit, I was kind of proud of myself. After all, last winter I could barely function in this sort of weather, let alone shovel it.
Then I woke up yeterday. With pain from my neck all the way down to my knees. The brunt of the pain was in my hips. An emergency appointment with my chiropractor was scheduled. His diagnosis? My lower back was seriously inflammed. Treatment? Ice...yes, the very thing that caused all the pain to begin with ended up being my treatment. Go figure. I still have a great deal of pain in my neck and shoulders today, but my lower back and hips are doing so much better :)
The other day we had one of those rare snow days in which my landlords left for work before the storm finished without touching the driveway. This wouldn't have been horrible if I hadn't needed to go out later to watch Jeremy (who's mom later called me as I was almost to the house to cancel...the best laid plans, right?). Anyway, in order to even get to my car without falling I needed to shovel. And shovel I did....almost the whole driveway in fact. I have to admit, I was kind of proud of myself. After all, last winter I could barely function in this sort of weather, let alone shovel it.
Then I woke up yeterday. With pain from my neck all the way down to my knees. The brunt of the pain was in my hips. An emergency appointment with my chiropractor was scheduled. His diagnosis? My lower back was seriously inflammed. Treatment? Ice...yes, the very thing that caused all the pain to begin with ended up being my treatment. Go figure. I still have a great deal of pain in my neck and shoulders today, but my lower back and hips are doing so much better :)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I long for a definition
black and white
concrete
rules that govern
every circumstance.
I feel constricted by these rules though;
confined
suffocated
looking for loopholes
Life seems more grey than black and white;
circumstances and feelings change from day to day.
Walls are meant to keep out,
boundaries enforced to protect
but are these boundaries rigid or malleable?
How much can I let down my guard
without getting hurt
or giving false impressions?
Does changing the lines
result in confusion
or freedom?
I strive for perfection,
a consistency in what I do and say.
Keeping a perfect balance;
endless harmony.
Reality sets in however.
I'm bound to make mistakes,
give wrong impressions,
change the lines
or even cross over them.
Through it all You are with me
though I sometimes strive to hear Your voice.
The path may be faint
but I know it is the one You have for me.
And should I stray
You'll guide me back.
For You know the desires of my heart;
having my best interest in mind.
black and white
concrete
rules that govern
every circumstance.
I feel constricted by these rules though;
confined
suffocated
looking for loopholes
Life seems more grey than black and white;
circumstances and feelings change from day to day.
Walls are meant to keep out,
boundaries enforced to protect
but are these boundaries rigid or malleable?
How much can I let down my guard
without getting hurt
or giving false impressions?
Does changing the lines
result in confusion
or freedom?
I strive for perfection,
a consistency in what I do and say.
Keeping a perfect balance;
endless harmony.
Reality sets in however.
I'm bound to make mistakes,
give wrong impressions,
change the lines
or even cross over them.
Through it all You are with me
though I sometimes strive to hear Your voice.
The path may be faint
but I know it is the one You have for me.
And should I stray
You'll guide me back.
For You know the desires of my heart;
having my best interest in mind.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A New Year with New Experiences
Happy New Year everyone!
Today is my first official snow day from school, so I thought I'd take some time and write what's been going on in my life. I guess I should start with how I spent the holidays. This year was very different than other years. For one thing, Christmas was on a Saturday. For another we were forecasted to have a blizzard the day after Christmas. My parents and I decided not to spend the break in San Antonio visiting family, however because of the blizzard we also decided not to get together as a family this year. My brother stayed in the DC area and I stayed up here. I spent Christmas Eve rather sick - bad migraine - but I was able to get out for Christmas Eve service at my church and later dinner with friends. I had Christmas dinner at a friend's house and then spent the night at another friend's house watching movies. The blizzard came shortly after church the next day so I spent that day cleaning.
The rest of the week was spent with a friend from upstate NY who stayed with me. I also hung out with some other friends as well as spent some time watching Jeremy. For New Year's Eve I helped a friend host a New Year's Eve party which was alot of fun. I sort of learned how to play Mao (card game with rules that you have to figure out as you go along....I hated it at first, but by the end I enjoyed it) and for my birthday I got to hang out with my friend Cathy who was in the area.
I did see my family New Year's Eve during the afternoon. They came up with presents and then took me out to a restaurant. I got to pick the restaurant and chose Stir Crazy - which meant that my mom got to try a new experience. She did quite well with it. She ordered chicken teriyaki and said it was very good.
I've also been trying some new things. With my birthday money I purchased a curling iron and have been experimenting with it. I've always been afraid of curling irons because I feared burning myself. It is definitely one of those things I went to do AFTER coffee...and yet I still get some interesting hair styles :). It's a work in progress, but I've only slightly burned myself twice, so I consider it somewhat successful. The other new activity I've tried is sledding.
Now I realize that most people have been sledding numerous times, but since I grew up in the city sledding wasn't really a big activity. We did live on a hill, but that ended at a busy street, so it wasn't very conducive to sledding down. I've seen pictures of my dad pulling me on a sled when I was about 3 years old, but that's where the pictures stop. I went snow tubing in college, which resulted in a broken/sprained wrist....so, yeah, I was sort of traumatized by the whole concept on sledding.
The first time I went down I screamed (though apparantly no one heard me). I went down several times after that in order to overcome the fear of flying down a snow covered hill. I was able to stop myself from screaming and at the end the experience became less terrifying, and maybe even fun - though believe me, I'm hardly ready to admit that fact to most people yet.
Today is my first official snow day from school, so I thought I'd take some time and write what's been going on in my life. I guess I should start with how I spent the holidays. This year was very different than other years. For one thing, Christmas was on a Saturday. For another we were forecasted to have a blizzard the day after Christmas. My parents and I decided not to spend the break in San Antonio visiting family, however because of the blizzard we also decided not to get together as a family this year. My brother stayed in the DC area and I stayed up here. I spent Christmas Eve rather sick - bad migraine - but I was able to get out for Christmas Eve service at my church and later dinner with friends. I had Christmas dinner at a friend's house and then spent the night at another friend's house watching movies. The blizzard came shortly after church the next day so I spent that day cleaning.
The rest of the week was spent with a friend from upstate NY who stayed with me. I also hung out with some other friends as well as spent some time watching Jeremy. For New Year's Eve I helped a friend host a New Year's Eve party which was alot of fun. I sort of learned how to play Mao (card game with rules that you have to figure out as you go along....I hated it at first, but by the end I enjoyed it) and for my birthday I got to hang out with my friend Cathy who was in the area.
I did see my family New Year's Eve during the afternoon. They came up with presents and then took me out to a restaurant. I got to pick the restaurant and chose Stir Crazy - which meant that my mom got to try a new experience. She did quite well with it. She ordered chicken teriyaki and said it was very good.
I've also been trying some new things. With my birthday money I purchased a curling iron and have been experimenting with it. I've always been afraid of curling irons because I feared burning myself. It is definitely one of those things I went to do AFTER coffee...and yet I still get some interesting hair styles :). It's a work in progress, but I've only slightly burned myself twice, so I consider it somewhat successful. The other new activity I've tried is sledding.
Now I realize that most people have been sledding numerous times, but since I grew up in the city sledding wasn't really a big activity. We did live on a hill, but that ended at a busy street, so it wasn't very conducive to sledding down. I've seen pictures of my dad pulling me on a sled when I was about 3 years old, but that's where the pictures stop. I went snow tubing in college, which resulted in a broken/sprained wrist....so, yeah, I was sort of traumatized by the whole concept on sledding.
The first time I went down I screamed (though apparantly no one heard me). I went down several times after that in order to overcome the fear of flying down a snow covered hill. I was able to stop myself from screaming and at the end the experience became less terrifying, and maybe even fun - though believe me, I'm hardly ready to admit that fact to most people yet.
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