Hope

The Background: I've always struggled with friendships.  I have a naturally introverted personality and add to that a dysfunctional childhood, the number of people I grew up with calling "friends" was limited.    It is a very long story, but sometime after college I began attending a church in the area and over time I did form some very close friendships there.  The church was very small, so by 2009 I was less a part of a congregation and more a part of a close family.

That's when my world starting crumbling.  A devestrating sudden death, followed by the move of my closest friend left the church shaken.  Another elder left suddenly and we were faced with the very real possibility of closing.  We reached out to the Christian and Missionary Alliance for help.  It was proposed that we "merge" with another CMA congregation.  Although this proposal seemed somewhat scary, it also seemed like it was our only hope - and we desperately needed some new people who weren't burnt out.  I was one of the ones in favor of the change and tried to encourage others towards this course.  In theory this was the perfect solution.

The Reality:  Unfortunately the reality was harder than any of us expected.  There was miscommunication, misunderstanding, and a whole lot of hurt.  By the fall of 2011 practically everyone that attended the original church, and whom I considered my family, had left.  Ray and I continued to attend services there because we didn't feel that God wanted us to leave.  However, we went halfheartedly because (1) the "new" church had a very different type of worship service than we were used to (2) we had been removed from ministry when the other congregation took over and (3) we honestly didn't know anyone really well, and besides, they were the ones that "took over" and intentionally or unintentionally drove our friends away.  Now I realize that I could have reached out to people and tried to form new relationships, but being hurt and having an introverted personality meant that most days all I wanted to do was leave church as quickly as possible.  I have to admit that Sundays were more like a day of torture than a day of worshiping God.

The Present: The church is currently doing a study which involves getting together in small groups. They did this during the fall as well, however, the groups would get together during different times of the week and at various homes.  Neither Ray nor I were able to attend any due to our work schedules.  This time, however, we meet as a congregation on Sunday evenings for a meal, watch a video together, and then break up into small groups.  Often I would come away from these times very sad because I still felt lonely and out of place. I barely talked with anyone and the people I did speak with I didn't feel a sense of connection. Last Sunday, however, was VERY different.

Sunday: The college girls who are in my small group were on break.  This meant that my group consisted of women closer to my age and who are going through similiar situations.  One of the women is from another congregation, but her boyfriend attends our church.  She felt led to share how she was struggling leaving her church family.  That opened the door for me to share how I had been feeling about our church's transition. Not in a negative way, but in an honest way.  The group lasted much longer than the alloted time, but in the end the Holy Spirit had somehow healed the hurt that I had been feeling and allowed me to connect with the other women in my group.  Not that they can replace the friendships that I used to have at church, but it gave me a sense of hope.  Hope that a new journey is beginning with new friendships.