The Career Mountain Journey

Once upon a time there was a young girl who aspired to be a 4th grade teacher in the inner city.  Looking back at that young girl I couldn't tell you why she desired to do this.  It could be that my 4th grade teacher was the first teacher to care so much about me that she reached out to my mom about my chronic absences or it could be that I was swept up in a wave of wanting to impact the world and Harlem seemed like just the place to start, or it could be because I was determined to prove my mom wrong about her theory that I'd never be able to teach, let alone in an inner city school.  Whatever the reason, that was my plan, which is why I majored in elementary education to begin with.  I never doubted that teaching was my calling from God.  Like many naive high school students I had it all planned out: go to college, student teach, get a job, get a masters degree, bask in a fulfilling career.

My journey wasn't nearly as smooth as I'd have liked and I had many setbacks. Some of the highlights of this incredible journey was substituting as a reading teacher which began my quest to also become an elementary reading specialist one day, two years of teaching pre-school, and going back to school for degrees in both literacy and special education.  These peaks were far and few between and included valleys such as spending two months as a long-term sub and then suddenly getting dismissed without so much as a thank you when a permanent teacher was found, spending 5 years as an assistant where I lost my passion and desire to pursue a teaching career, being told by my principal that she would never hire me because I was only an assistant, and going on 20 something interviews all with the same ending, and becoming entangled in my fear of driving into the city on a daily basis.

From 2008 - 2015 I lived just above the poverty line, earning less than $20,000 per year (before taxes) which did little more than cover my $1000 monthly rent.  Before I met Ray I became a vegetarian due to the high price of meat.  I often worked 2-3 jobs a day to pay my bills.  During my first year of marriage I was the only one working consistently and quickly found out that my salary wasn't going to sustain two people and it's really hard to connect with your spouse when you're running around between multiple jobs.  I was in the middle of a valley and it felt like one of those canyons Indiana Jones rode narrowly rode through in the Ark of the Covenant.

Even so, God had been subtly working in my heart.  He never forgot the desires of my 9 year old self. When I would tell friends or acquaintances my journey of struggle several recommended I look into teaching in the city.  Every single interview helped me be better prepared.  One of the blessings of Ray not being able to drive was that I was "forced" to learn how to drive into the city.  Even getting lost on the way to an interview in the worst section of the South Bronx was a blessing from God because He showed me how much He cared for me by helping me find my way and getting a parking spot near the school.

In August 2015 I applied to a charter school in the Bronx whose mission of helping "the most vulnerable children of the Bronx" stirred up a long-lost longing in my heart.  I was called for an interview with a demo lesson.  By this point I had gotten so used to needing to have a demo lesson that I didn't feel as stressed out as I used to over needing to prepare - although I do remember staying up late the night before trying to think of every possible contingency I might encounter.  The demo lesson was the same day that Ray and I had planned on going to Great Adventure, so that morning we packed everything we needed for the day and Ray came with me so that we could leave for Great Adventure right after my interview.  3 hours later I was done with my interview and for the first time ever I had a strong feeling that I would be getting a phone call with a job offer.  Sure enough, on our way down to Great Adventure, I got a call with an offer to be a 4th grade teacher!

This past year was intense.  I switched classrooms, I came early, I worked late, I worked on Saturdays.  I had a flat tire on my way to work, locked my car keys inside my car twice,drove in the snow, and sat in traffic for two hours each way.  There were days I absolutely loved my job and there were days I never wanted to go back.  No matter what, God showed up.  He renewed my passion when I felt burnt out.  He eased traffic on a Friday afternoon after a long week of commuting.  He gave my favor with not only my co-teacher, but with the 4th grade team, and the principal.  He even allowed me to have perfect attendance!

In May a survey went out asking what grade we wanted to teach the following year.  There were 3 options.  I went out on a limb and wrote down Reading Teacher.  In June my principal asked me to write out a job description for Reading Teacher since we didn't have that position.

On Monday I will be starting my new position as Reading Intervention Teacher!  Although there are many uncertainties, such as my schedule, that need to be worked out, this much I know.  I will be teaching reading throughout the entire school and I will be leading professional development on reading strategies for the other teachers in the building.  I have reached a new mountaintop peak and the view from here is amazing.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight."
Psalm 37: 4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Looking back on my journey I can say with conviction that I know these promises of God are true. Even when I forgot my own dreams and desires of my heart, God never did and He will continue to hold my dreams of Ray having a fulfilling, steady career, having a family, and Ray finding true freedom as long as I keep delighting in and trusting my Lord.

 

Mountain Climbing

Change is like my backyard...it seems to be incredibly slow and most of the time it doesn't look much different than the previous day.  Truth be told, actually some days it looked worse than the previous day. That is until almost two years later you look back and think...wait, did the backyard really used to look like THAT?!?!

Today I find myself re-reading a post I wrote about a year ago and thinking to myself "Was my life really like THAT?"

To recap, a year ago...

I was an assistant teacher living paycheck to paycheck without any summer income.

Was stressed out by my husband's behavior, admission of sin in our marriage, and lack of a steady job.

Was contemplating starting an intensive spiritual course through my church and Alliance Theological Seminary.

Was getting ready to host a birthday party for Ray even though our marriage was rocky and our finances dismal, at best.

Had no idea my mom had a brain tumor although I knew something was very wrong with her health.

Was getting ready to say good bye to a dear friend as she moved to Florida.

Still struggling with my diagnosis of infertility, all the while grateful that we never had children because of the poor state our marriage was in.

Those days were long and hard.  I hated the nights where I was up fretting and trying to spy on my husband who had decided that barricading himself inside his office downstairs until the early hours of the next morning was better than spending time with me.  It was a pattern I grew to hate.  Shortly after dinner he would retreat to his man-cave and would only resurface for coffee.  Sometimes he would surface when we watched movies.  I was never allowed inside his man-cave.  When I would say good-night he would stand in the doorway, kiss me, and walk away.

Depressing and lonely.

On the bright side, Ray agreed to go to Christian counseling with me.  We'd continue to fight, but this time we had some tools to work with.

I spent my summer days searching for teaching jobs.  In late August I found one in the Bronx where the mission of the school resonated with me.  I applied and shortly got called for an interview, which resulted in an offer to teach 4th grade!  While this new adventure excited me, it also scared me because I wasn't sure how this job would impact my marriage.

Fast forward 10 months....

I completed an amazing first year of teaching with perfect attendance and was promoted to Reading Interventionist!

My marriage is stronger than ever.  In fact, Ray hasn't gone into his man-cave after dinner since I started teaching.  Even though he still hasn't found steady work, he seems less stressed and actually enjoys spending time with me.

I completed my first year of Empower, which was by far the most work I've ever had to complete in either college or graduate school!

Helped to support my family when my mom found out she had a benign brain tumor followed by two surgeries.

Am considering becoming a foster parent.

I don't write this to boast about my own abilities to create this new life that I have.  There were many days where I wanted to quit, where the negative thoughts ran loudly through my mind, where I saw only failure instead of progress.

BUT GOD!

God has extended his grace and brought us to this point of peace and rest.  God has given me great favor at my school with not only co-workers but with administration as well.  God gave me the strength I needed to make it to work everyday, to take on teaching the entire class when my co-teacher called out, to create lesson plans on the weekends in addition to going to class once a month and writing numerous papers.  Even when I wasn't able to turn in all of my papers on time, God still gave me the ability to persevere and the grace of extended deadlines so that I could actually graduate Empower in one year instead of two.  Despite all of the complications with my mom's tumor, I could see God working.

I feel as though I've climbed a mountain and have reached a peak.  As I look back on these past 10 months I can only stand in awe and say "Great is Thy faithfulness!"  I don't know what the journey to my next mountain holds in store, but for now I'm going to rest before I embark.


 our backyard 2 years ago



 our backyard today

Nine Months

Nine months ago I got married. There are two camps of thought on the first year of marriage.  It is either the happiest time (honeymoon stage) or the hardest time.  I never envisioned a fairy-tale romance because intellectually I knew that marriage was hard work.  I didn't understand just how hard that work would be.

In these past nine months we've struggled with moving and renovating a house that we'd like to buy, but are renting for now because at the moment there is no way any bank is giving us a mortgage and even the programs that are supposed to help couples struggling to get a mortgage won't accept us based on our income to debt ratio.  We've struggled with infertility, depression, anger, rejection, hurt feelings, miscommunication, and trust.  It's been a crash course in stress and a test of my faith greater than anything I've had to overcome so far.

I know that this post sounds rather depressing.  I don't mean to sound as if there haven't been good times, because there have.  Being in the middle of a hard place however makes the good times seem like shadows that I have to strain to see.  All this to say that here's what I've been learning in these nine months.

1) Pray, pray, and then pray some more.  I honestly don't know how marriages today survive apart from God's grace and much prayer.  I am very thankful for my prayer warriors who stand in the gap for me when I don't seem to have the strength to do much more than cry.

2) Don't be afraid to reach out for help.  Recently we started going to counseling.  It's helpful to know that there is another person helping us to navigate these waters.

3) Fighting for a healthy marriage is worth it.  Satan wants nothing more than to bring up things from the past and keep us in bondage to our sin.  The divorce rate among Christians is just as high as the rest of the world.  I believe that having a healthy, strong marriage in today's society is a testimony of God's work in our lives and so I'm committed to doing whatever it takes.

4) Savor the good times.  Hold onto the memories.  Life is not meant to be stagnant.  Right now we're in a hard season.  It's not always easy for me to remember why I love Ray, but it's vital that I do.  Dwelling on the negative never gets me anywhere.

5) Rejoice no matter what season I'm in.  God still cares about me, Ray, and our marriage.  He will never change and for that I can rejoice.

I'm looking forward to the day that I can write how we made it through this season and that we're stronger because of it.  Until then....please keep praying.

A Step in the Right Direction

Wednesday was a rough day in the classroom.  Not that it was the worst day ever - far from it - but I spent a good 20 min or so fighting with a kindergarten student to put on his jacket to go out to recess.  He was having no part of it.  I wasn't about to let him go out without it on.  He screamed, hit, and clawed at me.  Neither of us won.  We didn't go out to recess and he didn't wear his coat.  Thankfully this isn't a daily event.  It was, however, one of those events that made me think as I walked out the door for my lunch break "How do you expect to get a teaching job when you can't even get this simple task done."

After school I work with one of the groups that stay late for math support.  These are all typical 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders.  There's around 40 of them and it's seriously hard for me to get all of these kids out of the cafeteria, down the hall, up the stairs, and to their classrooms quietly.  Actually, it's never happened.  No matter how many times I've had them practice lining up or how many times I've stopped them in the hall it is impossible for the front, middle, and back of the line to be quiet all at once.  Usually it's just the group of students that I'm standing closest to that will listen.  During these times that little voice screams instead me "You are not a good teacher because these kids don't listen or respect you."

I came home to find an email from a school district I had interviewed at.  Usually the beginning of these emails are all the same.  This one wasn't.  This one said "We would like to hire you for our Special Education Extended School Year Program....".   I'm sorry, what?  I read it 4x.  Did I just get a teaching job?  After six years of being a substitute or an assistant I finally received an offer from a school district in Westchester.  I should have felt elated.  All I felt was overwhelmed.

The commute is a solid 40 minutes one way, the hours are from 7:30am-3pm, and my students will be lower functioning than the current classroom I'm in.  In fact there will be 9 or 10 students in my class and I'll have 9 or 10 TA's ....one for each student.  Throw in a speech therapist, a psychologist, an OT, and a behaviorist, and I'm working with more adults than kids.  This job is completely out of my comfort zone.  The job starts in July and already I want to have a panic attack.

I don't know how I'm going to get up everyday at 4:30 or 5am to get to work ontime.
I don't know what age group I'm working with or the exact nature of the students' disabilities.
I don't know what the staff will be like.
I'm not sure when the program ends or if it even starts at 7:30 (during the interview they mentioned the exact hours hadn't been established yet).
I don't know what the pay is.

Here's what I do know:

God provided this job for me because with His help I can do all things.
Every day will not go perfectly but that doesn't mean I'm not a good teacher.
The pay will be much better than what I am used to making during the summer.
I will not have to work two jobs this summer.
The experience will be the catalyst for my future.
During the days when I fail at my job I can rely on God's grace to get up another day and do it all again.

Delphinium

Several weeks ago I was thinking about having a word to define this year.  Not just any word, but a word given to me by God.  I thought and thought, but nothing was striking me as particularly significant.  Then I asked God what word He wanted to give me (yeah, I probably should have done that first).  The next word that popped into my head was Delphinium.  Now, if you asked me to name my favorite flower it would be hyacinth.  The Delphinium was definitely not one on my radar!

So, I went online and looked up flower meaning.  Guess what the meaning of the Delphinium is...it is a symbol of infinite possibility and believing that anything is possible.  According to the symbolism page I should keep stretching my current beliefs and keep reaching for the stars, one baby step at a time.  This is exactly how I feel about my faith at the moment.  I know quite a bit about God and I've been through alot with God, but I'm at a point where I need to start believing that God wants to make the seemingly impossible in my life, possible.  After all, didn't Jesus say to his disciples that if they had faith as small as a mustard seed that they could move mountains?  I certainly have a few mountains that need moving and I'm praying that my small seed of faith will be enough for God.

Now that the weather is finally starting to warm up and the snow is melting, I'm beginning to think about planting a garden.  I brought several different kinds of seeds and a seed tray.  Guess which flower got added to my garden?  :)

A Tour of my House

This blog has taken me a long time and the formatting still isn't how I wanted it.  Not only that but a lot of improvements have been made since I've taken these pictures, but at least it gives you a glimpse as to what our new home looks like.

This is the view when you enter the front door.

And this is the view looking down from the kitchen.  Ray added the coat rack on the wall.  Since this picture was taken he's also added a small shelf near the door for coffee, keys, and mail.

So the kitchen is a bit outdated, but it works for now.  There's not a whole lot of counter space so Ray bought me a baking rack and then built the additional counter/shelves for storage.  If we're blessed to one day actually own this house one of the first projects will be to completely renovate this kitchen.  

This was a free dining room table that Ray's parents' neighbor was throwing up.  It had been a much lighter color.  Ray cleaned it up, stained it, and poly-urithaned it.  The china closet was a gift from one of our pastors.

The living room.  The futon separates the living room from the dining room.

The hallway.  We have a coat closet, a bathroom, a linen closet, and 3 bedrooms.  

The bedroom on the right is supposed to function as my writing room, or maybe, hopefully, nursery?  Currently it's where I dump all of my stuff...there will not be any pictures until there's something worth showing :).

Straight ahead is the guest room

   

On the left is our bedroom.

with an adjoining bathroom.

Here's the best part....the theater downstairs!

The space behind the screen is going to be used as an ironing/folding laundry/storage area.  It looks better now than when I took the picture, but it's still not functional.  Ray has since added light blocking curtains to the sliding glass door, a second shelf to his command unit behind the couch, a card table where all the stuff was by the sliding glass door, and a carpet in front of the couch.  Finishing include cleaning up the laundry area and adding movie poster (of course!).  Oh, and there's a half bath and storage closet down here.

I didn't take any pictures of the laundry room, Ray's workroom, or the garage.  Can I just say how much I love not having to haul my laundry out in all sorts of weather and collect quarters for the laundromat!  

This last picture is of our backyard....which is covered with snow....and is part of a large mountain.  I really, really, want to plant flowers, a fig tree, and vegetables.  Ray wants a fire pit and a hammock.  We'll have to see what happens in the spring!

Living in the Moment

I have a dangerous habit I'm working on breaking this year.  I have the habit of either focusing too much on the past or the future.  I'm not talking about reminiscing about a happy memory or eagerly anticipating an upcoming event.  My issue is that I get caught up in the failures and mistakes I've made or worry about how hard something might be.  Take my career for example. Since the 4th grade I've had this desire to be a teacher.  I would fantasize about what it would be like. I went to school and accumulated debt over this dream.  I'm not where I thought I would be.  I am getting calls for interviews, which is significant since this is the first time it's happened in several years.  I'm not the best at interviewing so I often replay the interview afterwards and beat myself up over how I could have, or should have, answered a particular question.  Then there's the whole intonation and facial expression aspect.  Did I sound too excited? Not excited enough?  Did I appear overly nervous?  This is followed by the looming question of "what if they offer me the job"?  How will this impact my life?  Will I be able to handle the pressure?  The commute?  How will my relationship with Ray change?

I've started reading two books recently which have impacted me and forced me to take a closer look into my thought life.  Author Aimee Raupp of Yes, You Can Get Pregnant emphasizes being mentally and emotionally ready before getting pregnant by letting go.  She writes "Letting go is about surrendering, it is about being easy on yourself, it is about accepting where you are, and it is about believing that you are doing the best you can do an all that you desire is coming to you."  Later she writes "If you tell everyone about your fertility struggles, you become that person that everyone sees as the one who is struggling with fertility.  Alternatively, you can tell a better story, a fertility-rejuvenated positive story, and you will shift your life in that direction.  You can create your reality through recreating your story.  In each moment we have the choice to see the situation the way we choose to see it." John Ortberg writes about Dallas Willard's philosophy in Soul Keeper when during a conversation about advice for a new pastor Willard said "Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.  The most important thing in your life is not what you do; it's who you become."

Life is a process; a journey.  When it comes to things like my career or planning a family I need to be diligent about focusing on the present.  Am I where I want to be?  No.  Am I where I was?  No.  Am I on this journey alone?  Absolutely not!  God is refining me through this process and teaching me things right now that I will need for the future.  I have had setbacks to be sure, but I will not get stuck in them.  Whether I remain a teaching assistant, take a teaching job in the city, get my dream job as a teacher somewhere in Rockland or Westchester, decide to move elsewhere, or whether I have children naturally, with the help of an IVF doctor, or through adoption God knows exactly where He wants me and how He wants my family to look like.   My job, this present moment, is to look at my circumstances with joy and quiet my soul so that I can hear God's next directive when it comes.