Summer To Do List:
- wake up @9am
- take my time reading devotionals, news articles, favorite blogs, and facebook updates
- clean and organize various aspects of my apartment
- visit and/or call friends and catch up on life
- live without a working bathroom sink while it's undergoing repairs
- eat ice cream on a somewhat daily basis
- write
- go to bed @1am
These are the things that most of my days consist of. Last summer was a whirlwind of activity as I worked, moved, unpacked, and went on dates with Ray. This summer seems like the complete opposite. July hasn't provided much work outside taking care of the boys and while I make decent money doing that, it isn't quite enough (hence why I have a 2nd job) and so I find myself once again holding my breath while I wait to see how God will provide the rent due next week.
This post isn't meant as a means of whining though. Yes, my life has significantly slowed down and funds are low. Yes, there are times when I'm bored out of my mind. Yes, there are times when I berate myself for how unmotivated I feel like being. However, through this time I am learning the value of slowing life down and being content with what I've been given. I'm learning how to be refreshed. After all, it will be all too soon that my days will start early, settle into a chaotic rhythm, and end late; when I'll have difficulty finding time to do the dishes or too tired to put a coherent sentence together and I'll long for these days that I once deemed "boring".
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Not Yet - The Teacup Parable
Ray heard this story recently and retold it to me. Sure enough, I googled the above title and found the following passage. It seems to be a rather well-known story illustrating why God allows us to go through trials, yet I had never heard it before. The rendition I was told was slightly different from the original version that you can find on the internet. In this version the teacup is talking to a lump of clay instead of a couple on their 25th wedding anniversary and the intention is to illustrate the difference between basic faith and a willingness to let God, the Master Potter, work on us as we live out our faith. I hope it inspires you as much as it did me.
There was once a lump of clay and a beautiful teacup. The teacup was admired by many people for her beauty. The lump of clay longed to be like the teacup. She sighed and said "I wish I could be admired and loved like you!"
“I haven’t always been like this,” the teacup said.
“There was a time when I was a hard, ugly lump of gray clay. No one wanted me….except the Master Potter. One day, He picked me up and began to work me in His strong hands, molding me, pounding me, and rolling me in His grip.
I cried out, ‘Stop that! It hurts! It is too painful! Leave me alone!’
The Master Potter smiled gently and simply said, ‘Not yet.’
Then He put me on a wheel where I began to spin and spin and spin. I felt sick. I felt dizzy. I wanted to slow down. I wanted to get off! All the while as He spun me, He continued to shape me and mold me. I screamed, ‘Let me get off! Stop! Stop!”
But, the Master Potter just smiled and said, ‘Not yet.’
Finally, He took me off of the wheel. As I was admiring my new shape, the Master Potter scooped me up and put me in a large furnace. This oven was hotter than I could have ever imagined. I began screaming!
Help me! I am going to die! I can’t take it! Don’t you love me? I can’t survive this! Get me out!’
But, the Potter just watched through the glass. I saw Him kindly say, ‘Not yet.’
Just when I thought I would be destroyed from the heat, the Master Potter took me out of the furnace. I was relieved until He began to paint me. The paint was horrible. I began to choke on the terrible smelling fumes.
I cried out to the Master, ‘Please, please, please stop!’
He smiled gently and said, ‘Not yet.” And then, He put me BACK INTO THE FIRE!
This second firing was twice as hot as the first. I was certain that I would be destroyed in the heat.
I gasped, “Please let me out!”
The Master Potter simply said, ‘Not yet.’
After what seemed to be eternity, the Master took me out of the furnace and put me on a shelf to cool. It seemed like I waited and waited and waited for an eternity. It was then that I caught a glimpse of myself reflecting in a mirror.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe how much I had changed.
I was completely new. I was a totally new creation, looking nothing like I did in the beginning. The Master had transformed me. When I was a lump of clay, no one except the Potter would even give me a second glance. Now, after the pounding, the molding, the shaping, the spinning, the heating, the painting, and the waiting, I have become a beautiful, priceless treasure, sought after and desired by many.
I remember that as the Potter gingerly picked me up, He whispered, ‘Now you are what I had in mind when I first began you.’
I knew that I am a treasured possession.”
"Do you still want to become a beautiful teacup?" said the teacup to the lump of clay.
"Do you still want to become a beautiful teacup?" said the teacup to the lump of clay.
Author Unknown
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Oh the Conversations I Have.....
I started watching Jeremy and his brother Justin when they were 7 and 3 years old, respectfully. I mostly conversed with Jeremy while driving to his many appointments. Ok, so it was primarily Jeremy talking and me nodding my head or occasionally saying things such as "I see" or "cool". Usually these revolved around him perseverating about a past event or a recitation of baseball stats (usually those of the Yankees) or football stats (he's a Jets fan) depending on the season we were in. Justin often talked to me about what he was learning at daycare or an episode of the PowerPuff Girls. Ah, those were the days.......
Now Jeremy is 10 years old and Justin is 6. While sitting down with Justin during his snack he told me "you shouldn't have some alcohol and then drive. My camp counselor's son was killed on his motocycle by someone who was drinking and driving." Thus began a conversation about drinking and driving. Later, while driving Jeremy to his OT appointment he asked me "What does groping mean?" When I asked him where he had heard that term he told me that on the news last night it said the police were looking for a teenage boy accused of groping a girl. Good grief. On the plus side, it gave me the opportunity to explain why it's really, really important to keep our hands to ourselves (something that has been an issue lately). Later I got the run-down on which rap stars went to prison and why followed by how various actors and musicians have died or been killed. As boring as they were at the time, some days I really do miss hearing baseball and football stats.
The last few months have been filled with discussions about why God allows people to have disabilities such as Autism and Touretts Syndrome, along with the importance of not allowing our emotions to control our actions. Lately all of these conversations have brought to my mind the verse in the Bible talking about how we need to have a ready answer for everyone who asks. Not that all of my conversations with the boys discuss my faith (although occasionally they do) but they do make it even more apparant to me how my words impact others. Especially since Jeremy has an uncanny ability to repeat verbatim what I said months later. More importantly though, I need to make sure that my actions are consistent with my words.
"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Colossians 4:5-6
Now Jeremy is 10 years old and Justin is 6. While sitting down with Justin during his snack he told me "you shouldn't have some alcohol and then drive. My camp counselor's son was killed on his motocycle by someone who was drinking and driving." Thus began a conversation about drinking and driving. Later, while driving Jeremy to his OT appointment he asked me "What does groping mean?" When I asked him where he had heard that term he told me that on the news last night it said the police were looking for a teenage boy accused of groping a girl. Good grief. On the plus side, it gave me the opportunity to explain why it's really, really important to keep our hands to ourselves (something that has been an issue lately). Later I got the run-down on which rap stars went to prison and why followed by how various actors and musicians have died or been killed. As boring as they were at the time, some days I really do miss hearing baseball and football stats.
The last few months have been filled with discussions about why God allows people to have disabilities such as Autism and Touretts Syndrome, along with the importance of not allowing our emotions to control our actions. Lately all of these conversations have brought to my mind the verse in the Bible talking about how we need to have a ready answer for everyone who asks. Not that all of my conversations with the boys discuss my faith (although occasionally they do) but they do make it even more apparant to me how my words impact others. Especially since Jeremy has an uncanny ability to repeat verbatim what I said months later. More importantly though, I need to make sure that my actions are consistent with my words.
"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Colossians 4:5-6
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Taking the Plunge
I always thought it was cool that Peter walked on water to get to Jesus, but I now have a new appreciation for how hard that must have been considering the effort it took for Ray and my friends to coax me into jumping off of a divingboard into the water. To help you understand the significance of this event, let me give you some history.
My first memory of the water is being around 3 or 4 and sitting on the dock completely terrified of the lake we were vacationing at. I'm not exactly sure why I was terrified or have been fearful of the water ever since. It's not like I suffered some traumatic event, but I was never really comfortable being in water. In fact, many of my nightmares revolve around my house/apartment being flooded by a surging river or some horrific storm and me trying to escape from drowning.
While I was growing up we always stayed at motels with swimming pools. My dad tried to teach me how to swim, but my anxiety prevented me from doing much more than clinging to the side of the pool with floatation devices around my arms. When I was 17 I actually did learn how to swim. Don't ask me how I did it. I do remember going out to a lake with my grandparents' friends and their granddaughter and somehow I remember leaving confident that I could swim. Well, I could move my arms, kick my feet, and stay above water, but I couldn't go underwater....forget about jumping into a pool. Still, I really enjoyed swimming and during the summer inbetween my junior and senior year of college I would go to the community college's pool almost everyday and swim laps for an hour.
Fast forward about ten years later. Ray and I were visiting friends. They have a really nice pool with a diving board. Everyone was jumping in, but I waded in. When I was asked about why I didn't just jump in I admitted that I had never jumped in and that I was afraid of jumping in. They didn't push me. That was last summer. This summer I had made up my mind that I was going to jump in their pool. I didn't tell anyone my resolve, even Ray. Nevertheless, the issue came up again this past weekend about why I never jump in. Unlike last summer, it was just Ray, our friends, and me. A totally safe enviornment for me to try jumping in. Oh....did I mention that Ray spent his summer as a lifeguard???? If you're going to jump into a pool for the first time you should definitely have a certified lifeguard with you! :D
I had no idea that jumping in would be so hard. Seriously....it took me something like 15 minutes to just get on the divingboard. Jumping in? I think it took the better part of an hour of everyone encouraging me - even giving me verses such as "I can do all things through Christ." I wanted to jump in. I could even picture myself jumping in. Yet I could still feel the chains of fear wrapped around my ankles. I kept praying that God would help me to jump.
Do you want to know what finally got me to jump in? Ray said that if I didn't jump in that he would stop cooking for me. Go figure. Have I mentioned what a good cook he is? Even if sometime snails are on the menu :p. Anyway, I asked him to count to 3 and after he did I jumped. There were cheers of joy and as soon as I hit the water Ray swam over and grabbed me before I started panicking.
After all was said and done it felt great. I mean, I stayed in a state of shock for the rest of the day. Kinda like after the first time Ray kissed me....so it was a good kind of shock :). I've already decided that the next time we go over to our friends' house to swim, I will just jump in. After that we can work on diving. One step at a time!
My first memory of the water is being around 3 or 4 and sitting on the dock completely terrified of the lake we were vacationing at. I'm not exactly sure why I was terrified or have been fearful of the water ever since. It's not like I suffered some traumatic event, but I was never really comfortable being in water. In fact, many of my nightmares revolve around my house/apartment being flooded by a surging river or some horrific storm and me trying to escape from drowning.
While I was growing up we always stayed at motels with swimming pools. My dad tried to teach me how to swim, but my anxiety prevented me from doing much more than clinging to the side of the pool with floatation devices around my arms. When I was 17 I actually did learn how to swim. Don't ask me how I did it. I do remember going out to a lake with my grandparents' friends and their granddaughter and somehow I remember leaving confident that I could swim. Well, I could move my arms, kick my feet, and stay above water, but I couldn't go underwater....forget about jumping into a pool. Still, I really enjoyed swimming and during the summer inbetween my junior and senior year of college I would go to the community college's pool almost everyday and swim laps for an hour.
Fast forward about ten years later. Ray and I were visiting friends. They have a really nice pool with a diving board. Everyone was jumping in, but I waded in. When I was asked about why I didn't just jump in I admitted that I had never jumped in and that I was afraid of jumping in. They didn't push me. That was last summer. This summer I had made up my mind that I was going to jump in their pool. I didn't tell anyone my resolve, even Ray. Nevertheless, the issue came up again this past weekend about why I never jump in. Unlike last summer, it was just Ray, our friends, and me. A totally safe enviornment for me to try jumping in. Oh....did I mention that Ray spent his summer as a lifeguard???? If you're going to jump into a pool for the first time you should definitely have a certified lifeguard with you! :D
I had no idea that jumping in would be so hard. Seriously....it took me something like 15 minutes to just get on the divingboard. Jumping in? I think it took the better part of an hour of everyone encouraging me - even giving me verses such as "I can do all things through Christ." I wanted to jump in. I could even picture myself jumping in. Yet I could still feel the chains of fear wrapped around my ankles. I kept praying that God would help me to jump.
Do you want to know what finally got me to jump in? Ray said that if I didn't jump in that he would stop cooking for me. Go figure. Have I mentioned what a good cook he is? Even if sometime snails are on the menu :p. Anyway, I asked him to count to 3 and after he did I jumped. There were cheers of joy and as soon as I hit the water Ray swam over and grabbed me before I started panicking.
After all was said and done it felt great. I mean, I stayed in a state of shock for the rest of the day. Kinda like after the first time Ray kissed me....so it was a good kind of shock :). I've already decided that the next time we go over to our friends' house to swim, I will just jump in. After that we can work on diving. One step at a time!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Quick Updates
I still haven't heard anything regarding the reading teacher position at my school, however, I did get my contract for next year and they "accidently" gave me a rather significant raise (over an addition $1/hr). Don't tell the district :).
Ray is currently working doing roofing/construction for another company. I'm not sure how long this job will last, but we'll take whatever God provides!
My landlady is agreeing to let me stay another year. I still haven't signed the new lease yet because we both never seem to be home at the same time. As far as I know my rent should be staying the same.
Ray is currently working doing roofing/construction for another company. I'm not sure how long this job will last, but we'll take whatever God provides!
My landlady is agreeing to let me stay another year. I still haven't signed the new lease yet because we both never seem to be home at the same time. As far as I know my rent should be staying the same.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
The Interview - Behind the Scenes
I believe it was back in March that I found out the reading specialist at my school was retiring. The teacher I work with suggested that I make an appointment with the principal. When I met with the principal later that week I explained that I heard that the reading specialist was retiring and that I would like to apply for the position. My principal responded that the reading specialist position required professional development experience (of which I have none) and that she wasn't even sure if the district was going to hire anyone to fill the position.
Several weeks went by before the position was officially posted on the OLAS website. I applied online and then casually talked with my principal again letting her know that I had applied and would really appreciate the opportunity for an interview. Again my principal was noncommital. The teacher I worked with also said it would be a good idea to go to the superintendent's office and hand her a copy of my resume and cover letter.
When I arrived at the superintendent's office I immediately had to go to her secretary. Since I've worked in the district for two years I've spoken with her on quite a few occasions about issues such as health insurance. I explained to the secretary about how I was applying for the position and that I was hoping my resume would get passed along to the superintendent. The secretary asked if I had any professional development experience and I replied that I didn't have any formal experience. This didn't go over well. Basically she told me that if I left my resume with her that she would throw it in the garbage and that I would never get an interview.
You can imagine my suprise then when my school's secretary called to set up an appointment for an interview. I was given lots of advice on what types of questions the panel would ask (yes, I interviewed with 6 people - the principal, the current reading specialist, 2 teachers, 1 teaching assistant, and a parent). The interview was to take place on Friday at 3pm. Not just any Friday, mind you. It was field day - which would have been exhausting on it's own, but it was also the day after we were down a t.a., we had a sub teacher, and we had our concert. For field day I had to wear a tie dyed t-shirt and jean capris. This meant that I also had to bring a change of clothes with me for the interview.
When I went to the office I was handed a chart and a sheet of paper and told that I needed to write an essay stating my observations from the chart and what I would do to remediate the situation. There's nothing like writing an essay in a school office during dismissal time, let me tell you :). From there we had to restart the interview a couple of times due to all of the loud announcements being made regarding dismissal. Of course most of the questions I was asked were nothing like the ones in which I thought they would ask. Nevertheless everyone was smiling at me through the interview and made comments that made me think I gave some good answers. As I was leaving I heard one of the teachers comment that it was an excellent interview.
I have no idea if I'll actually get the job because school politics are very tricky. All I know is that I shouldn't have gotten even an interview and yet God orchestrated that I got one and HE helped me answer the questions despite being exhausted, so if by some miracle I do end up being offered the position I will know without a doubt that it is where God wants me - even if I'm not entirely confident that I'm qualified for the position.
Several weeks went by before the position was officially posted on the OLAS website. I applied online and then casually talked with my principal again letting her know that I had applied and would really appreciate the opportunity for an interview. Again my principal was noncommital. The teacher I worked with also said it would be a good idea to go to the superintendent's office and hand her a copy of my resume and cover letter.
When I arrived at the superintendent's office I immediately had to go to her secretary. Since I've worked in the district for two years I've spoken with her on quite a few occasions about issues such as health insurance. I explained to the secretary about how I was applying for the position and that I was hoping my resume would get passed along to the superintendent. The secretary asked if I had any professional development experience and I replied that I didn't have any formal experience. This didn't go over well. Basically she told me that if I left my resume with her that she would throw it in the garbage and that I would never get an interview.
You can imagine my suprise then when my school's secretary called to set up an appointment for an interview. I was given lots of advice on what types of questions the panel would ask (yes, I interviewed with 6 people - the principal, the current reading specialist, 2 teachers, 1 teaching assistant, and a parent). The interview was to take place on Friday at 3pm. Not just any Friday, mind you. It was field day - which would have been exhausting on it's own, but it was also the day after we were down a t.a., we had a sub teacher, and we had our concert. For field day I had to wear a tie dyed t-shirt and jean capris. This meant that I also had to bring a change of clothes with me for the interview.
When I went to the office I was handed a chart and a sheet of paper and told that I needed to write an essay stating my observations from the chart and what I would do to remediate the situation. There's nothing like writing an essay in a school office during dismissal time, let me tell you :). From there we had to restart the interview a couple of times due to all of the loud announcements being made regarding dismissal. Of course most of the questions I was asked were nothing like the ones in which I thought they would ask. Nevertheless everyone was smiling at me through the interview and made comments that made me think I gave some good answers. As I was leaving I heard one of the teachers comment that it was an excellent interview.
I have no idea if I'll actually get the job because school politics are very tricky. All I know is that I shouldn't have gotten even an interview and yet God orchestrated that I got one and HE helped me answer the questions despite being exhausted, so if by some miracle I do end up being offered the position I will know without a doubt that it is where God wants me - even if I'm not entirely confident that I'm qualified for the position.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Thought on Change
I often marvel on how similar I am to my students. Seriously. Austic children have a very low tolerance to change. While over the years I've become better at going along with the flow of life, I've yet to fully embrace change with any sort of positive attitude. Usually I experience sadness and anxiety, no matter how good the change will be. It's sort of like watching the skies grow darker and hearing the thunder get louder as you're out doing errands without an umbrella. That sense of dread as you realize that any moment now the downpour will be released from the heavens and you're going to get soaked.
Normally my weekly schedule is on the insane side. It is so routine however that it doesn't seem overwhelming in the least. Unfortunately this weekend I ran over a nail. I had actually started pulling out of the laundromat's parking lot when I noticed that something wasn't right with the car. Thankfully I was 5 minutes away from Ray's house, God protected me while driving, I didn't have any children in my car or anywhere I needed to immediately be, and Ray's an expert at changing my flat tires since I have a habit of running over things (like nails and curbs). Of course on a Saturday evening there isn't anyone open, so I didn't travel far on my donut and fully anticipated getting a new tire today (also very grateful for having available funds in my account). Unfortunately my tires aren't as easy to get as one might think. Sears actually had a tire that may have worked, but it wasn't entirely recommended and it would have cost $150. This means that I need to go to my mechanic tomorrow.....at 7am. Ick. Ick. Ick. I'm thinking of shortening my morning routine a bit so that I don't have to get out of bed at 5am. In addition, I'm not sure whether my mechanic will have my tire in stock that early in the morning so he may need my car for the day. This means either calling a taxi (which I really don't see spending the money on) or taking the bus and walking to work. On the plus side it'll get in the excercise I never get scheduled into my life :).
Yep, so far Monday is going to be more complicated than I'd like. On Wednesday I have a guest coming to stay with me for a week. She's someone from my church who is between housing options and is currently couch hopping. This brings up many concerns: Will my landlady be upset?, how will she get along with my cats?, how will our schedules conflict?, what potential personality conflicts will there be? How much stuff is she bringing and where is it going to go? So many questions and so few answer. Now I'm sure things will be fine, but it's a little nerve-wracking.
On Thursday I'm going with my class on a field trip to the Bronx Zoo, which would be exhasting enough except that I'm also supposed to pick Jeremy up from his school in NJ which I've only driven to once and then get him to social group back in Valley Cottage. I definitely think a scheduled coffee stop is in order! :D
This is all of the things I know of....who knows what else will go on this week. With all of that said, I'm choosing trust in God over fear of the unknown. He will be my strength when I am weak, my Peace which passes all understanding, and my Hope when things look bleak.
"For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth." Psalm 71:5
"Everything is possible for him who believes." Mark 9:23
"Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face evermore!" 1 Chronicles 16:11
"Trust in Him at all times you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8
Normally my weekly schedule is on the insane side. It is so routine however that it doesn't seem overwhelming in the least. Unfortunately this weekend I ran over a nail. I had actually started pulling out of the laundromat's parking lot when I noticed that something wasn't right with the car. Thankfully I was 5 minutes away from Ray's house, God protected me while driving, I didn't have any children in my car or anywhere I needed to immediately be, and Ray's an expert at changing my flat tires since I have a habit of running over things (like nails and curbs). Of course on a Saturday evening there isn't anyone open, so I didn't travel far on my donut and fully anticipated getting a new tire today (also very grateful for having available funds in my account). Unfortunately my tires aren't as easy to get as one might think. Sears actually had a tire that may have worked, but it wasn't entirely recommended and it would have cost $150. This means that I need to go to my mechanic tomorrow.....at 7am. Ick. Ick. Ick. I'm thinking of shortening my morning routine a bit so that I don't have to get out of bed at 5am. In addition, I'm not sure whether my mechanic will have my tire in stock that early in the morning so he may need my car for the day. This means either calling a taxi (which I really don't see spending the money on) or taking the bus and walking to work. On the plus side it'll get in the excercise I never get scheduled into my life :).
Yep, so far Monday is going to be more complicated than I'd like. On Wednesday I have a guest coming to stay with me for a week. She's someone from my church who is between housing options and is currently couch hopping. This brings up many concerns: Will my landlady be upset?, how will she get along with my cats?, how will our schedules conflict?, what potential personality conflicts will there be? How much stuff is she bringing and where is it going to go? So many questions and so few answer. Now I'm sure things will be fine, but it's a little nerve-wracking.
On Thursday I'm going with my class on a field trip to the Bronx Zoo, which would be exhasting enough except that I'm also supposed to pick Jeremy up from his school in NJ which I've only driven to once and then get him to social group back in Valley Cottage. I definitely think a scheduled coffee stop is in order! :D
This is all of the things I know of....who knows what else will go on this week. With all of that said, I'm choosing trust in God over fear of the unknown. He will be my strength when I am weak, my Peace which passes all understanding, and my Hope when things look bleak.
"For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth." Psalm 71:5
"Everything is possible for him who believes." Mark 9:23
"Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face evermore!" 1 Chronicles 16:11
"Trust in Him at all times you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8
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