Reflections on Sandy

Outside my bedroom window.  It's hard to see, but you may notice the tree trunk going through part of the fence,

Tree in my driveway.

One of the trees that fell on my neighbor's house.

House down the block.

The tree that closed part of my road.  Unfortunately there's usually no signs indicating a closed road until you practically hit a tree.

I've been reflecting on this past week.  It's been unusual, that's for sure.  I hardly had to go to work, roads that I used be able to drive on were closed, traffic lights didn't work, I didn't have electric or internet, and finding gas felt like I was going on a treasure hunt.

Things I'm Thankful For

I still have my apartment and my car; my family on Staten Island is doing ok despite the lack of power; I got a much needed break from work; my power was restored after only 4 days; even without power I could still take a hot shower; there were places that provided free coffee and internet; I had filled up my tank right before the storm hit so I didn't actually need gas until Sat; and it wasn't too cold at night.

Things I Regret

Freaking out about not having any power.  I've never been a fan of the dark or the unknown, so the thought of sitting alone in my dark apartment reading by a flashlight, not knowing when things were going to get back to "normal" got old very quickly.  The first two nights weren't so bad because my landlady and her family were downstairs.  Although we don't really get along, the thought that someone else was in the house offered some comfort.  The next two nights I didn't hear anyone until they came home @4am.  Ray wasn't as sympathetic as I would have liked during this time, so by Thurs night I was on the verge of a meltdown.  In the grand scheme of things, not having electric was the least of anyone's problems.

Things I Learned

Next time I will try to have a better attitude about not having electricity.  I also learned to keep my dairy products in the freezer so that they may last longer.  I'm hoping that by the time the next storm comes I'll be able to afford some battery powered lanterns and a battery powered am radio.  Maybe next time I'll also try to divide my time better.  Only relying on Ray's family can be draining for everyone.

From Chaos to Calmness

Working in a special needs classroom has its challenges.  Working with a nonverbal autistic child who is not happy can be overwhelmingly frustrating.  This past Tues and Wed, J. had major meltdowns at lunch and when I say major meltdown I mean that one moment he seems fine and the next he's jumping up and down, screaming, and trying to scratch and bite anyone who's around.  Now I am very familiar with handling one of J's meltdown in the classroom.  Usually I know exactly why he's melting down and can get him away from people and calmed down after several LONG minutes.  A meltdown in the cafeteria is harder to deal with because the space is significantly larger, there are far more people around, and the other assistant I was working with doesn't have a clue as to how to handle these situation.  In these sorts of situations my two main goals is to keep everyone close to J as safe as possible and to get Kerri (his teacher for the past 4 years).  I knew we were in trouble when J went to bite Kerri several times on Wed.  During the past 3 years I have NEVER seen him try to bite her as she's pretty much his second mom.  Even Kerri didn't know what was wrong with J.

By the end of Wed I was more than exhausted.  As soon as I got in my car after school the tears started.  I felt completely hopeless and I really didn't want to go to work the next day.  In fact, I wasn't even sure I wanted to continue working with kids.  It was just one of those days.  I started praying - praying for clarity, for J to be calm, cooperative, and peaceful, for continued protection, and for a renewed passion.

Thursday morning J came into school calmly and things seemed to going as smoothly as possible.  I went to lunch and when I came back it was recess time for the kids.  I learned that while I was gone J had another tantrum.  As we were coming in from recess one of the assistants noticed that J had blood smeared on his cheek.  At first we thought that maybe during his tantrum he had injured himself.  After further inspection we realized that J had lost a tooth.  The loose tooth was what had been bothering him all along.  He had been trying to tell us by occasionally putting our hands on his cheek and his meltdowns were always after he ate something hard or chewy.  Unfortunately we don't always connect the dots :(.

For the remainder of Thursday, both J and I were ecstatic!  In fact, J was even able to mimic "Oh yeah!" in the exact pitch and tone that the OT used.  By the end of Thursday, all of my prayers had been answered :).

Notable News

It's been a month since my last post because, quite honestly, I've been too tired to construct sentences.  I'm not even sure how to describe my life right now - it's far from dull, that's for sure!  Yesterday we had a ton of rain, which meant that Thursday was unofficially labeled Temper Tantrum Thursday due to pretty much every student losing it at some point during the day.  In case you're wondering, the day before a major storm brings barometric changes which seems to affect autistic children more than others.  Thankfully only one child had a tantrum in which he flipped a table over.  Not a desk, mind you, but one of those round tables where five of six students can work at.  Yep, it was that sort of a day.  Thankfully no one was hurt.

Anyway....I have some great news to announce!!!  The first is that this week I finished paying off the last of my credit card debt.  I started accumulating credit card debt shortly after leaving HeadStart in the summer of 2008.  I think at its max, I was @$2,500 in debt.  This may not sound like alot, but when you are maybe making $1500 a month ($950/975 of which is rent), paying off a credit card seems impossible.  God, however, can overcome the impossible.  Over the past 4 years He has shown me how to come up with a plausible monthly plan for paying off the debt, given me the opportunity to transfer my balance to 0% interest cards, and provided extra funds in order to pay off the balance faster.  I am very happy to not have this burden anymore and look forward to hopefully put the money that I've been using for payments into my savings account.

The second announcement is that my brother got engaged this week :).  The wedding will be sometime next June in the Baltimore area.

Another School Year Begins...

I thought I was going to be working with the same teacher and assistants this year but have different students.  Instead I have the same students, but I'm working with a different teacher and assistants. The change was made because our nonverbal autistic student needs a one to one aide and apparently I was chosen for this task. It was a rather stressful transition.  I like the people I'm working with, but they're very different than what I'm used to.  Since the students are now in 2nd and 3rd grade we're focusing more on academics and less on social skills. This was hard because the students really need the social skills component and my nonverbal student isn't capable of academic work.  Instead he needs to focus on learning how to communicate via an ipad and we still need to try and reinforce as much speech as we possibly can.  We worked on getting him to say "eat" last year.  He sometimes remembers how to do that.  He also remembers how to make the sound of "m" when asking for milk.  Thankfully with some adjustments to the schedule and curriculum things are going smoother this week.  My student and I can also go back to the other class whenever he needs a sensory break and I just need a few moments of sanity :).

BTW, when I mean sanity I mean going and seeing the new autistic student we have who screams in the presence of loud noises, will randomly stand up with his pencil to "practice his golf swing", finishes his work by saying "Thanks for playing! Come again next time!", and who has literally thrown himself on my lap to giggle hysterically into my neck when he sees something funny on the computer screen.  He keeps me laughing, that's for sure!

The Chair

Most Thursday nights you will find me at small group Bible study.  A few weeks ago we were at one of our leaders' apartments.  We were just sitting around and talking when all of a sudden the chair that one of the guys had been sitting on just collapsed from under him and he fell to the floor.  This guy didn't have a weight problem and hadn't been doing anything unusual with the chair so it was a mystery as to why the chair just broke apart.  The guys were going to throw it out but I convinced them to let me take it with to show Ray.  I figured if anyone could put the chair back together he could - and he did.

After inspecting the broken chair pieces, Ray determined that the chair had been broken once before and that whoever had put it back together the first time had drilled screws into the wood.  It seemed like a good temporary solution, however, what actually happened was that the screws weakened the wood.  It was only a matter of time before the wooden legs gave away again.

This made me think:  How many times have I been broken and tried to fill the hole in my heart with something that seemed good but were only temporary solutions such as alcohol, tranquilizers, and sex.  Sure, I seemed fine on the outside but my inside was crumbling and it was only a matter of time before I broke down again.  The only permanent solution to filling that hole was by turning to Christ, repenting, and remaining focused on Him.  This doesn't mean that I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it does mean that when I fail or when life seems hopelessly overwhelming that I can focus on Christ and be strengthened by Him.  I may bend, but HE will NEVER let me be broken beyond repair.  After all, HE's the master carpenter!

"A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench;"

Isaiah 42:3

"He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake."

Psalm 23:3

Why I Still Don't Feel Like a Grown-Up

I seem to have too much time to think.  I guess that's what happens when you're not working much.  Anyway, lately I've been feeling more like a child and less like an adult.  Maybe when I go back to my insane schedule I'll feel like a grown-up again, or at the very least I won't have as much time to think about it! :)

Signs I haven't grown up yet:

- I can sleep in until noon on a Saturday.
- I need my parents' financial support to help pay my bills.
- I still own some of my clothes from high school and can still fit into them.
- If I'm "cooking" for myself chances are I'm eating spaghetti and meatballs.
- If I don't feel like "cooking" chances are I'm eating Chef Boyadee from a can, mac and cheese, soup, or                    
  some sort of frozen dinner.
- I can eat chocolate whenever I want and not have to share.
- I can come home whenever I want to, although if it's after 10pm I usually feel the need to sneak in so that
  I don't wake up my landlady.
- Some days I don't make the bed until the middle of the afternoon.
- I'm still not confident in my curling iron skills or makeup application.  Honestly, if I'm not attending a  
  wedding, chances are I'm not bothering with makeup.
- I still hear the phrases "Can I call you back?  I need to pay the babysitter."  and "Are you going to get your
  degree so you can be a teacher?"
- I'm still scared of the dark, although I've made progress in this area.  I'm not terrified of it anymore :).

The Cooking Miracle

I will be the first one to admit that I don't cook.  While I have been known to actually follow a cooking recipe, the process of cooking is highly stressful.  For example, the first time I made lasagna I remember having to turn the oven off at one point and go back to the store because I realized that I hadn't brought enough of the ingredients that I needed.  When I did cook dinner for myself it usually revolved around chicken....sometimes it was overcooked and sometimes (like the night I invited a friend over for dinner ) it wasn't quite done enough.  Yeah, it's rather embarrassing to have your meal on the plate and start cutting your chicken only to find it still very pink.  Thank goodness for side dishes to start on while you wait for the main dish to be edible!

I also have this need to have to follow the recipe when cooking.  Now I realize that to people who actually enjoy cooking that following a recipe is cheating.  Perhaps this is why I'm such a good baker.  Afterall, you absolutely need to follow those recipes.  It always amazes me to watch Ray cook because he rarely knows what he's going to cook beforehand.  He just buys some meat (he doesn't really care for chicken), throws some spices on it (always a different combo, mind you) and uses whatever other food is around to come up with a creative side dish.  It always tastes amazing!

For some inexplicable reason I found myself buying chicken this week.  I hadn't a clue what I was going to do with it.  Last night, though, I decided that I would break out of my mold of following a recipe.  Ok, in reality any recipe that I had required ingredients not in my apartment and I didn't feel like going to the store to get them.  This predicament forced me to use my creative powers.  I had some Italian breading and a variety of spices.  I decided to throw some breading in a ziplock bag along with oregano, basil, and adobo.  Notice the word throw....I resisted the urge to use some sort of measuring device.  I coated the chicken with egg and then put the chicken in the bag, shook it up, and baked it.

The end result?  I actually managed to cook the chicken, mashed potatoes (from a box), and frozen broccoli all at the same time without having one completely done a half hour before the others.  The chicken was cooked perfectly - white and moist - and tasted delicious!  It was a sheer cooking miracle!

Yep, I still get excited about the little things in life :).