I know who holds tomorrow

There is a hymn that I used to sing as a child and which I still love today.  It's called "I Know Who Holds Tomorrow".  There's a line in the chorus that reads "Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand" and this statement has hit home over the past month.  December marked the fourth month in a row without having my period.  Two pregnancy tests came back negative so I decided to make an appointment with my OB to see what was going on.  The initial diagnosis was that due to stress and being underweight my period had simply vanished.  Upon receiving the results of the bloodwork my doctor called me on my lunch break to tell me my FSH was 70 - an indication that I was well into menopause and that if I am serious about starting a family that I should call a reproductive specialist.  I cried.  It was right before Christmas and almost two weeks until I turned 35.  Surely I hadn't gone into menopause yet.  Yes, for the past few years I had missed a month or two at the most but every time I went to the doctor all they said was that I was stressed out and not to worry so much.  How could they not have known?  And why was it that everyone else I knew went into menopause gradually while I went into it suddenly - 3 months after getting married?  Further test results showed that my follicle count was zero.  I was devastated.

I cried alot.  Not only had I been told I'd never have a family without a lot of serious help but it seemed like every woman I knew was either pregnant or announcing their recent pregnancy.  Ray advised me to get a second opinion.  That appointment will take place on February 3rd.  Since that time I have prayed and asked others to pray for me.  One of my friends who prayed for healing feels certain that God has already healed me and that I will be able to conceive at some point in the future.  I have read and heard stories of women who had been told they'd never have children and yet have given birth.  I have also read the stories of women who have adopted.  While adoption was always something Ray and I had talked about before marriage it isn't something that we're confident about jumping into quite yet.  In the Bible the four stories that come to mind is Sara who conceived at something like 87 years old, Hannah who was barren for unknown reasons and cried out to God who gave her the ability to conceive Samuel and other children, Mary who conceived without having sex (for His highest glory), and the woman who was healed after bleeding for 12 years.  All of these women experiences pain in the area of reproduction and yet God healed them and gave them the desires of their heart.

I don't know about tomorrow, the next day, the next month, or the next year.  I do know how God has transformed my past though.  Five years ago I didn't know Ray.  Marriage was a desire and a dream but far from reality.  I lived in a tiny apartment working 3 part time jobs to pay the rent and ate pasta because I didn't have enough money to buy meat. I was also an emotional wreck.  If I had been told five years ago that in January 2015 I'd be happily married and living in 3 bedroom house with plenty of food to eat I'm not sure I'd have believed it.  Although my career isn't what I had hoped for I usually enjoy going to work and I find great meaning in it.  I went back to school and got a second masters, which was never on my agenda five years ago.  What will the next five years of my life bring?  I don't know.  What I do know is that God has two names that I'm clinging to: El Roi - the God who sees me and Jehovah Rapha - God who heals.  Miracles still happen. Nothing is certain. In the meantime I'm in the process of changing my diet to aide in getting pregnant.  I'm not enthusiastic about the limited caffeine advice.  I'm slowly looking at adoption agency materials.  I'm praying for wisdom and guidance and for these new doctors that I'll be seeing.  I'm trying to focus more on God and what He has already blessed me with and less at what I feel that I lack.

35 Goals

Since I turned 35 I thought I'd attempt to write a list of 35 goals.  Some of them may not be able to realistically accomplish this year, but it's something to strive for.

1. Write 1-2 blog posts a month
2. Be obsessed with my desire to know God more and less about things such as starting a family or         moving forward with my career
3. Try cooking a new recipe each week
4. Read 15 books
5. Write a poem about my wedding
6. Visit Arizona and Colorado
7. Find a nutritionist and eat healthier
8. Gain 10-15 pounds
9. Lift small weights daily
10. Ride at least 4 roller coasters
11. Scan all of my teaching documents into organized folders
12. Set up my writing room
13. Choose photos to put in my wedding albums
14. Update my passport
15. Pay off $3,000 of car debt
16. Be approved for a mortgage on our house.
17. Reduce my student debt by at least $5,000
18. Attend a writing conference
19. Limit my credit card spending to no more than $200 a month
20. Send out wedding thank you cards
21. Get a kitten
22. Begin playing the keyboard again
23. Share my poems with others
24. Share my blog with others
25. Volunteer
26. Share my testimony with others
27. Jump into a pool within a minute of getting on the diving board
28. Make eye contact and say hello to strangers
29. Focus on the positive
30. Complete my gratitude list (get to 1,000)
31. Think outside the box when faced with challenges
32. Be generous with both my time and my money
33. Plant a fig tree in our backyard.
34. Create a lesson plan and have myself video taped teaching it (for my teaching portfolio)
35. Hike the mountain behind my house.

Happy New Year!

While I'm a little late on the New Year wishes, I'm going on the sliding scale of New Year being the entire month of January.  Here's a snapshot of what I've been doing/thinking lately.

Things that have made me smile:

A new printer/copier/scanner/fax machine & blu ray player - very much appreciated gifts from Ray.  The printer especially since my old one decided to die right at the end of last semester and I have A TON of printing to do for this semester.

Making my mom smile with the gift of fresh baked fattigman (Norwegian Christmas cookie).   I had never attempted to make these before but I remember them being so good.  The dough itself isn't hard to make, it's the rolling it out, cutting out diamond shapes, and frying them in oil that is time consuming....but oh so worth all the effort!

The start of a migraine free year!  While I've been dealing with low-grade headaches this month, they have blessedly gone away with 2 Aleve and a heat pad on my neck.

New super warm gloves which has made dealing with the "polar vortex" cold so much easier on my hands.

Snow days which have given me time to get ahead on my assignments (I'm taking 3 courses this semester).

Catching up with Steph!  The older I get the harder it seems to catch up with friends because of everyone's busy schedule.

J's behavior improvement and academic gains which has been a great reminder about why I teach and that God's ways are definitely higher than my ways in the classroom He chose to place me in.

Things I'm looking forward to:

Camping in Bar Harbor!  Ok, so...maybe I'm not as excited about that as you may think because I'm really not the camping type of girl - especially when there won't be any showers on the campgrounds.  What I AM looking forward to is getting to spend some time with Errin and her family before getting to the campgrounds, seeing the beauty of Bar Harbor and getting away from New York for a while, being with Ray, getting to know the friends we're going with even better, and just enjoying the beauty of the area and the adventure I'm going on.  I'm setting some money aside to get a new hiking backpack just for the occasion!

What God has for me in the future.  So much in my life right now is very uncertain, but I'm looking forward to seeing God move.

Finishing up my Special Education degree in May and being certified.  Maybe after 3 certifications someone may hire me for a lead teaching job.

Things I'd like prayer for:

Jekyll has been FIV positive for over a year now and since then he's battled one sickness after the other.  Currently he's on 2 medicines that need to be administered 2-3 times a day.  The medicines are expensive and it's getting harder and harder to make sure I'm home in time to administer them.  Plus, the constant changes in my schedule stresses him out.  Cats in late stages of FIV generally only live 5 years at most.  I'm asking God for wisdom in when it'll be time to let Jekyll go.  I don't want him to suffer and I certainly am not looking forward to finding him if he dies at home, but at the same time he really doesn't like the vet and so I'm reluctant to bring him in for a last time because it'll be overly stressful for both of us.

Ray's job isn't going well.  The company has been making many unwise decisions which has resulted in lots of layoffs, not enough money in the accounts for payroll, and a move to a smaller office building in Hackensack.  Ray believes that after the company moves and he sets up the internet and other networks that they will let him go, believing that they can run the network without him and hire a consultant IT guy as necessary.  Both of us want him to be able to make it at this job at least a year.  Although I'm nervous about what these changes may mean I'm trying to trust in God's provision and wisdom in finding Ray another job - one hopefully even better than his current job.

Thankful Tuesday

Tonight is one of those extremely rare nights that I have the time and energy to think and since I suddenly found myself in November I thought I'd start this month off with a list of things I'm thankful for.

1) Although the school year hasn't been perfect, it is going much smoother than I thought.  In fact, J (who last year at this time was having severe meltdowns) has been doing an amazing job with both his work and controlling his outbursts!  He's only had 1 and it was understandable and didn't last long.  I have been praying for him for such a long time and this year I'm starting to see my prayers answered.  I love seeing the progress he's made both academically and emotionally.

2) Ray's been employed full time for 7 months!  While this job has had its ups and downs and the company isn't particularly stable at the moment, at least Ray has a sense of purpose, is getting out of the debt incurred during his time of part-time and unemployment, and is building new skills and relationships for the future.

3) Jekyll has almost made it 1 year with FIV.  On Nov. 20th of last year Jekyll got really sick and was diagnosed FIV positive.  Over the course of this year I have lost count of the number of times I've come home or woken up to find my usually very active cat lying limp and dehydrated under the bed.  We've gone through countless traumatic vet appointments, giving daily meds, and just last week he started limping and I thought we'd have to have x-rays this week.  Thankfully God has healed Jekyll well enough that we don't have to do x-rays.  He's not quite himself yet, but he's getting better.

4) I am halfway through my first semester of graduate coursework in special education and so far I am finding the time to get all of my assignments completed.  With everything going on this has been a miracle!

5) Since going back to school has made it impossible for me to work nearly as much my income has been reduced.  Unfortunately with Jekyll being so sick my expenses have increased significantly.  Despite this, God has continued to provide for me.  Ray has also been a big help in this area, but even Ray's financial provision ultimately comes from God.

6) I am really enjoying this fall.  For one we haven't had a major snowstorm of hurricane yet and for another because the colors of the leaves have been so brilliant.  I don't remember the last time I saw such a beautiful fall last so long.  I must admit that it does get rather distracting while driving though :(.

7) Which reminds me that I am thankful for my car.  Last year I was driving a car that had a check engine light come on every few days and no mechanic could figure out exactly why.  I also had very squeaky brakes.  After I traded my car in for a new one I learned that my former car actually had a recall out for it.  Although my new car isn't super amazing (no power locks or windows) it is very comforting to know that it runs well and it has sirius xm radio so I can listen to a Christian radio station all day long!

Provision

I have always been super-independent when it comes to finances.  Even as a girl I can still remember saving up my money from allowances or birthdays and spending it only when absolutely necessary.  I even managed to make it all the way through college without calling home to ask for money.  It didn't hurt that my parents have done well for themselves and are extremely generous, so usually they just gave me money before I got a chance to ask.   After college was a slightly different story.

Renting an apartment plus buying a car (even a lower end one without the power locks/windows) gets very expensive and despite working 2-3 jobs I still have a hard time paying all the bills.  Over the years I have seen God provide for my financial needs through a random check coming in the mail (my all time favorite answer to prayer!), an extremely lenient landlord who let me pay rent in increments because he knew I was a good tenant, and plenty of work during the summer.

Last summer God tested my faith because he allowed my job to give me very minimum hours for some reason.  Although I was able to pay my bills for July and most of August I was severely lacking in rent money for September and my current landlady is not so generous in letting me pay incrementally since it's become very apparent that she needs my money to pay her mortgage.  At the time Ray was working for a contractor and the pay was very hit or miss.  He was able to help me out by giving me a little money, but ultimately I had to make the dreaded call home to my parents to ask for money.  Now don't get me wrong, they were more than willing to help me out and gave me even more money than I had asked.  However, I questioned God as to why He didn't provide for me because I felt that asking my parents for money lacked faith.  While this may be true, I've also come to realize that not everyone has parents that can afford to pay a month's rent on top of their bills without blinking an eye and maybe God did provide for my needs through my parents.

This summer hasn't been much different.  I've already had to use a great deal of money from my savings account to help pay for August's rent and I didn't get many tutoring hours for the month of July.  I also will stop my babysitting job at the end of this week because camp is out of session and their mom won't need my help until September which I can't do since I'm going back to school.  The other week I started getting a knot in my stomach just thinking about how hard it would be to afford September's rent and the car payment and wondering if God would provide for me this year.  Despite finances stressing me out God has shown me several important truths about my situation.

1) I have a savings account this year with money still in it.  This in itself is a huge blessing and one that I don't always have every summer.
2) He gave Ray a steady job in April with a good income.  Although we're not married yet and I kinda feel weird asking him for more money (let's face it, he already pays for my groceries, laundry, and date nights) Ray can and is very willing to help support me in this area.
3) I picked up a lot more tutoring hours this week which was very unexpected and will increase the paycheck I receive next week.

Just because God isn't providing for me the way I'd like him to (being mailed a very large check), He has always, and will continue, to provide for me.  This doesn't mean I won't continue to hope for a check in the mail - you never know! :)

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Mathew 6:31-34

About a month ago I experienced something that hasn't happened in a few years.  I woke up one Sunday morning with a weird sensation above my eye indicating that at some point during the day I would probably experience a migraine.  Being the stubborn person that I am I ignored the sensation because I didn't feel that I was in enough pain to warrant taking an Imitrex.  I went to church and tried drinking some coffee.  By the end of the service I was in pain, but the nausea wasn't kicking in just yet.  At this point I was contemplating taking some Imitrex, however I knew that if I could hold out just a little longer I may be able to go to one of the members of the prayer team after the service and have them pray for healing.

 I've never gone up after the service to be prayed over before even though there have been services I've sat through where I can tell I'm getting a migraine but the pain hasn't really hit yet so I was a little nervous.  I mean, what if nothing happens?  The only time I've experienced a dramatic healing of my migraines was when I was on a retreat and experienced such a bad migraine that I was bed-ridden.  At the time the doctors were concerned that the Imitrex was causing too many side effects so they told me to stop taking it.  My pastor and his wife were with me and got some people who had the gift of healing to pray over me.  I'm not sure how long it took, but I do know that at some point the migraine completely went away and I was up and acting like myself before I knew it - the change was remarkable!   Since then I've been waiting for a similar experience, or even better yet, to stop having migraines altogether and be completely healed.

I had gotten hopeful that that was what happened back in May/June when I went 31 days without a migraine.  That was the longest streak I'd been migraine free in almost ten years. Then I started going back to my "new" pattern of having @5 a month.  On the plus side it's a lot better than the 8-10 migraines a month that I used to experience.  Anyway, back to last month.  I wasn't sure what was going to happen when I waited in the sanctuary after the service.  Usually there are so many people waiting for prayer that it probably takes at least a half hour to be seen.  On this particular Sunday however attendance was on the low end (it was July 4th weekend) and it didn't take me long at all to find a woman I knew to pray for me.  As she was praying I could feel the pain leaving my head.  There was still that weird feeling over my eyes, but for the most part the migraine was gone.  I was able to eat lunch with friends and run errands after church.

Unfortunately by 8 or 9pm later that night the migraine came back full force.  By this time I was home and decided that before going to bed I should take some Imitrex.  However, when I went into my purse to get it the Imitrex was gone!  I had left it in my backpack when I had gone hiking a couple days before.  I never had any medicine with me at church or while I was out.

I'm not really sure why God heals my migraines in a more dramatic fashion at times than others.  Usually even if I'm praying for relief the pain gets so intense that I need some Imitrex sooner rather than later.  However, I do know for certain that whether it is with or without medicine, God is still my healer.  I don't know why He allows me to endure so many migraines, but I also know that through each one He is right beside me.

"Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us.  None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare."

Psalm 40:5

Overcoming a Fear

"Do not worry about your life"  Mathew 6

Since I grew up in Staten Island you may have assumed that I am comfortable driving in the city.  The reality is that my mom had an intense fear of driving in the city until after I graduated from college and I suffered from that same fear.  In fact, many years ago I remember thanking an ex-boyfriend for driving me to the city for a date because I love spending time in the city but would never have dared go there unless someone else was driving.

The first time Ray suggested I drive into the city for an event I thought he was out of his mind.  Then I thought I was the crazy one as I somehow let him talk me into doing it.  Among his various other talents Ray has the uncanny ability to get me to do things I would never, ever, in a million years consider doing all the while reassuring me that things will be all-right.  The first few times I drove into the city I thought I was going to have a panic attack both before and during the drive, but I did alot of praying and each time I gained more confidence.

Last week Ray informed me that it was his brother-in-law's birthday on Sunday and that we were invited to their apartment in downtown for the celebration.  It was beautiful day and we had a great time.  That's when the realization hit me on the drive back.  This was the first time I could remember not feeling any stress prior to or during the drive.  Don't get me wrong, there were throngs of pedestrians crossing the street, impatient cab drivers either honking at me or trying to hit my car, and I still forgot that the left lane on the West Side Highway will lead me to the Lincoln Tunnel if I don't move over.  The difference was that not of those things really bothered me.  It was just another day of driving.  Maybe one day I'll feel the same way about rollercoasters or jumping off a diving board :).