Expectations

I should have...
           I thought by now I'd...
                     Why haven't I...?
                                You should...
                                          Why can't you...?
                                                     Why don't you...?

                                                              Expectations embodied in ellipsis
                                                                        of what we should have done,
                                                                                where we should be,
                                                                                     how others should act,
                                                                                            what path to take.
                                                              Bringing forth strong emotions
                                                                                                 and reactions;
                                                                         creating a chasm of pain
                                                                                   regret
                                                                                              anger
                                                                                                      disappointment


                                                                An unexpected
                                                                                       delay
                                                                           reaction
                                                                                      change of plans
                                                                           illness
                                                                                      loss

Expect the unexpected they say

and have no regrets.

Live in the moment.

Man makes plans

but

God directs his steps.

Don't let your dreams become idols.

Turn to Him for wisdom,

for forgiveness,

grace,

and the ability to live in the moment.

His ways are always better than ours.

The Apartment Saga

It is May. I have officially been living with a decent amount of my stuff in boxes for about a month now and while I'm pretty sure I know I haven't lost anything, it is still a mystery as to where some things have gone. For instance, the other day Ray was making dinner and asked me where the toaster was. I looked in 2 boxes labeled "kitchen"....still no toaster. Fortunately he figured out how to toast without one since I didn't find the 3rd box labeled "kitchen" until much later (it was in my bedroom closet). Such is my life at the moment. Fortunately most of my everyday necessity items have yet to be packed.

In case you're wondering why I still have things in boxes, it is because I thought I was moving to an apartment in Nyack last month. After a very long and drawn out process I was finally given the go-ahead by the landlady to move in. The Wednesday before Easter I gave her a check and she gave me the key. I started moving boxes. My mom and Ray came to help me move. While we were there, Ray had a question about the lock on the front door (previously he hadn't seen the apartment). He asked the landlady about it. Everything seemed fine until I got a phone call later on in the day from the landlady saying that if I wasn't completely happy with the apartment she'd be more than happy to return my check to me. I told her that while I was happy with the apartment that I would think about it and get back to her the next day.

She didn't even give me 24 hours before she called and said that she had been thinking and had come to the conclusion that the arrangement wouldn't work out. She asked if I could have my stuff out by Friday. I told her I was going away and that I'd have everything out by Monday. My mom didn't really like my stuff staying there all weekend, so she came up on Friday and moved everything for me. I went by on Monday to get my check and return the key. When I asked her why she had changed her mind she responded that Ray asking her a question was not direct communication from me to her (she likes to have direct communication with her tenants - I guess standing right there while he asked her wasn't enough) and he also had looked at the front door without her permission.

Ah ha...ok...I'm choosing to look at this as a blessing in disguise since this woman was obviously very controlling and would have given me a lot of grief had I actually become her tenant for longer than 12 hours. I'm thankful that she made her decision before I started moving my furniture and cats in as that would have been far more difficult. I'm also extremely thankful that I still have my old apartment to live in for now.

Where does this leave me today? Still looking. In the meantime there has been an offer on the house and an inspector came last Friday. There were only minor issues, so now I wait to see what happens. I've been told that I'll have at least 2 months before I absolutely need to get out. From what I've heard, the people making the offer want my apartment torn out and converted back into a garage again. My landlords don't have a place to move to either, so this should be interesting. They are looking to move into an apartment that will accept 2 dogs.

In the meantime I am trusting that God has the perfect place lined up for me. It has been far from easy though. I fight a daily battle of trying not to get too discouraged. This weekend was particularly rough because I spent a great deal of my time in bed with a migraine. However, I recently read in a devotional that when God tells you to wait you should:
(1) shift your perspective from "why me" to "what now?",
(2) count your blessings
(3) recall the past
(4) reach out
(5) internalize scripture.

I read this verse today "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13

What do you do when the pain runs too deep

when an "I'm sorry" just won't do?

How do you soothe a soul that's hurting,

torn and shredded by a trusted friend?

How do you undo the damage

of a lie believed?

Careless words have been twisted and rumors sent spinning

a cyclone of misunderstanding that cannot be stopped

its fuel gossip, a steady wind of whispers;

listen too closely and you'll hear it

right before it catches you up

landing you far from home

confused, furious,

betrayed.

Apologies can only go so far;

covering up the wounds

yet the scars still bleed raw.

Seek Yaweh Rapha

for He alone holds lasting balm

bringing freedom, restoring trust,

healing for a broken friendship.

More Pictures

These are pictures of my apartment the way it looks now.

The Weekend

It has been a crazy weekend! By Friday I still hadn't heard back from the woman renting an apartment in Upper Nyack. At the same time I was getting texts from my current landlady asking if I'd be able to have the apartment in show condition on Sunday since they'd be an open house. I told her that I would, but of course my apartment was nowhere near ready and I ended up stressing out about it. In addition, because I thought that I'd be moving this weekend I didn't have a plan for my cats during the open house which added to my stress. After an emergency phone call to my mom it was decided that she would pay for a large dog crate to temporarily store the cats in while the house was being shown.

By Saturday I managed to have my place mostly clean and the crate put in and placed in my room. I then sent a text to my landlord regarding some things in the apartment that he promised he'd fix but had never gotten around to. It was at this point that I learned the open house wasn't happening because they didn't believe that open houses worked. I wanted to scream, but at least I had an extra day to work on the cleaning. My landlords would love the house to be sold within a week, but if not then they'd like it to be sold within 2 months. We'll see how that goes. It will officially go on the market later tonight.

Concerning the place in Upper Nyack: I had asked the landlady if it would be possible to put on a door going into the bedroom. Most places do have bedrooms with doors on them and I really didn't think this would be a huge issue. I also asked if it would be possible for an outdoor light to be installed. I didn't expect either one to be done immediately, nor did I expect her to take so long in getting back to me. I spoke with her yesterday and she's thinking about my requests because she wants to take in a tenant who is completely happy with the apartment just the way it is. She told me that she would take a few more days to think about things.

I'd like to tell you that I've been completely calm and trusting of God during this process, but that unfortunately isn't true. I'm not completely a wreck either, but I have allowed myself to get stressed out, complain about the process, worry about the future, and want to cry over the smallest thing. However, God has been faithful to provide encouragement and hope during this time. These are just a few of the verses He's highlighted for me over the past couple of days.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"...a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear..." Psalm 112:6-8

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made." Psalm 145:13b

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

The Moving Process - In Pictures

I promise to upload more pictures later :) Also, the pictures are in reverse order. The last photo is what the apartment looked like at the start of this process and the top photo shows what it looked like today.

Why I've been MIA

It's been a while since I've last posted anything on here it seems. My usual busy life suddenly took a spin and become a literal whirlwind. I'm still in the middle of this storm and while it doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon, I actually found myself with a few quiet moments to gather my thoughts and write.

I guess I should begin at the relative beginning, which would be about 3 weeks ago. That's when I officially started dating - that's right, I'm actually in a good/healthy relationship with a guy. His name is Ray....he's 36 years old and works for Kaplan. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of either him or us at the moment. He has already met my parents and I already know that he intends to marry me one day. Those are the basics....if you want more details you can either e-mail me or call :).

Shortly after I entered into a new relationship I was informed by my landlord that he's selling the house. He and his wife are planning on moving into an apartment because they can no longer afford the house. I've been in the process of apartment hunting as well as packing. I don't have to move quite yet necessarily, but my apartment does have to be in immaculate condition by April 16th when they are planning on showing the house. No pressure......I did see a very nice 1 bedroom apartment in Nyack today which is slightly less rent than I pay now. It's ready to move into now, but I will have to wait to see if the landlord agrees to have me as her tenant. She has a couple of other people looking at the place early next week.

About a week after I found out about my apartment I also found out that due to budget cuts I will no longer have my position as a teaching assistant next year. In addition to apartment hunting I'm also job hunting for September as well. I find both to be the equivalent of taking on another part time job.

Thankfully I have a vacation coming up starting April 15th! :) I'll have a week-long break in which I will either continue to pack and/or move, visit with my aunt and uncle who are flying in from Texas to stay with my parents, and go upstate with Ray for one of his friend's weddings. Oh, and spend Easter at Ray's parents' house. I may also do some babysitting in my spare time :). Who knows...maybe I'll actually get to write on here as well!