Classroom Praise Report

It's been so long since I've written. Life seems to have taken on a whirlwind speed and I haven't quite figured out how to balance my writing in this mix. Today is an exception because I have finally found a library in Highland Mills near Jeremy's social group in which I can sit in the heat and have internet access...a wonderful praise because the internet has not been a part of my life lately.

Anyway....I wanted to share some encouraging bits about the students in my class.

1) All of the kindergarten and most of 1st grade students are writing their numbers on their calendars (a huge accomplishment in their fine motor development).
2) Jack can now write the letter "J" mostly on his own. He is also biting and scratching less....which I really appreciate :).
3) Rodney is being mainstreamed into a 1st/2nd grade classroom during the mornings and Emmanuel has started being mainstreamed into a 1st grade class during the afternoons.
4) Jayden can write his name independently and can read 3 sight words.
5) Kevin is gaining confidence when speaking.
6) Aiden isn't whining everyday.
7) Max isn't talking quite as much or as impulsively as he used to.
8) Christopher remembers my name.

Forced to Slow Down

Many days I run myself ragged. I start my day early in the morning - going from one job to another and then maybe doing errands afterwards. The days are long and fly by quickly. Sometimes I can catch my breath on the weekends. This weekend was different, however. I decided to drive up to Maine to visit with friends. This wasn't a bad idea as I desperately needed a change in scenary and some relaxation. It came with the cost of waking up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning...driving 4 1/2 hrs....playing and trick-or-treating with three children under the age of 6 and getting to bed @11pm. Followed of course by an 8am wake-up call (complete with children whispering next to me to see if I was awake or not) and another full day was in swing....with another 4 1/2 hr drive on the agenda. I was exhausted.

This running non-stop was also done with multiple to-do list items to think about. Things like finances, relationships, paperwork that needs to be filled out, and car repairs that suddenly came up, not to mention home repairs and cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping are some of the things on my mind. Quite frankly I wonder when I get the time to do any of these things.

Today I stopped....not because I wanted to, but because I was forced to with a migraine. I had gone 23 days without one. Today would have made 24. I actually sent a text to Jeremy's mom telling her I had a migraine. Normally I just deal with the migraine and don't bother telling Jeremy's mom I have one because not working means losing hours and losing income. Since it was a holiday she had people to watch Jeremy and told me to take the afternoon off. I spent it getting a few errands out of the way, making dinner and sitting down to eat it while watching tv. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that and it felt really good.

Now I'm off to growth group.....but it felt nice to be able to catch my breath for once.

A Year Ago

I can't believe it's almost the end of October and what a difference a year has made! I was reflecting on what my life was like last October compared to this year and my world is radically different.

Last October I spent most of the month confined to my bed or couch. I dealt with asthmatic bronchitis turned pneumonia and swine flu....both of which were accompanied by numerous migraines. I was trying to juggle working as a TA for the Clarkstown district as well as tutoring at Huntington and I was in the process of applying for working with Jeremy.

This year I haven't been sick at all! I've had one migraine requiring imitrex and one headache that was annoying but didn't require medicine. I'm working for the Nyack district now and am secure with my job working with Jeremy. By the way....Jeremy has made incredible progress since last year. He is transitioning so well these days and things that used to cause complete meltdowns are much less of an issue. Hopefully this will continue.

A Typical Day

In case you wonder what a typical day in my life is like, here are some highlights:

Being greeted in the morning by Max getting off the bus with his hands in the air and saying in his loudest voice possible "I AM A COMPUTER! ALL SYSTEMS A-OK!".

Rodney sleepwalking off the bus (how this is possible with Max still astounds me).

Emmanuel telling me no less than 20 times over the course of the day "Christopher's copying me!!!" This is especially intriguing during morning work time when they are each writing their own name....how this is copying I still don't understand.

Christopher asking me 5 times in 10 minutes "Uh, what's your name again?".

Disciplining Tyler and having him throw an all out screaming tantrum while becoming a cling-on and having to pry him off of me.

Watching to make sure Jack doesn't bite, scratch, or choke me.

Feeding small bites of a sandwich to Aiden who otherwise would put the whole thing in his mouth while crying because it's clean up time. I either have the choice to watch him choke to death or have him spit out the sandwich into a napkin. In case you actually are wondering, I've chosen the second option in the past :).

Small glimpses of children who are slowly gaining comprehension and social skills.

Focusing Tyler, who is my sweet space cadet. One day I want to take a trip to the planet he lives on.

Watching Ben smile. He can't remember anything he did after he left school the day before, but he has the BEST smile.

Getting hugs from Connor. He gives the best hugs ever and has the sweetest eyes.

All this and so much more happen between the hours of 9am and 3:15pm. Today the teacher was at a meeting during the morning so we had a sub. Before she left she came over to me and said "You must be exhausted at the end of your day." Well, I sometimes wish 3:15 was the end of my day, but it's just the middle. I rarely have any trouble sleeping though!

Surrender

Fingers clutch the pearl white box
refusing to let it go.
Hopes, dreams, desires
precious jewels of a perfect future
stored in a fragile container.

I'll let you take a peek of course
give you a glimpse of the beauty inside.
But it's mine
no one else's.
If I let it go it might get damaged
maybe even completely shattered
or worse
you might take it from me,
leaving me empty handed.

You desperately yearn for my alabaster box
slowly and gently you reach for my hand.
You don't seize
but lovingly you wrap yourself around me.
My fingers tremble
I look away from my box
into your eyes.
My grip loosens,
then tightens,
a power struggle of emotions ensues
until I relinquish control
and let go.

I watch as my box falls and shatters.
My treasure lies scattered on the floor.
Tears spring forth
as you pick up the pieces
and set them aside.
I stare in wonder
as you show me your
hopes, dreams, and desires for me.
Riches beyong my imagination.

I thought I held a treasure
but yours is so much more
too much for my hands to hold.
So with empty hands I surrender
and let you fill me up.

Blue skies
golden sun
cloudless skies
evidence of God's blessing
favor
anointing.

Light streams through the fog
cascading through the trees
radiant beams
illuminating
breaking apart
testifying that God is in the midst of doubt
uncertainty
confusion

Storm clouds gather
blocking out the sun.
Rain pours down
harsh cold winds blow.
God is here
in the height of the storm
call out his name
you will find him


As a side note: This isn't the formatting I'd prefer for this poem. I have no idea how to save changes made with regard to spacing. I typed this poem how it was supposed to look, saved it, and yet it publishes without any of the formatting I intended. If anyone knows how to fix this I'd appreciate it if you could help me. Thanks!

My Favorite Moment

This has been a rather hard week in the sense that I'm rather sleep deprived and I've had to deal with alot of discipline issues. After getting done with work on Wed I made the comment to a friend that if I never have to deal with another child's temper tantrum in this life it will still be too soon. I think part of it had to do with the weather change. Who knew going from days on end of rain to bright, beautiful, sunny days would be so hard?

In light of the fact that I spend the majority of my day with children who are extremely demanding of my time and energy, some people (including myself sometimes) wonder why I do what I do. Here's the reason: Jayden's moment. Now you're probably wondering who Jayden is. Jayden is a first grader who lives in the projects of Nyack. You can often see him breakdancing in line as we walk down the hall. EVERYBODY knows Jayden. He's developing his knack at being a pick-pocket (though he's gotten caught several times) and has been known to try to figure out how to get into a locked car. It is very important to keep an eye on Jayden at all times during recess for that reason. We believe that Jayden suffers from MR though. He has a hard time remembering concepts like colors, letters, and numbers. In fact, counting is an issue because he doesn't always start at one....let alone go in order after that.

Yesterday we were playing Chutes and Ladders (the other reason I love my job is cause I can spend my afternoons playing board games) and it was Jayden's turn. He spun the spinner and landed on 6. I asked him what number he landed on, anticipating that he'd just guess. He told me it was a 6. I then assumed that it was a lucky guess, but congratulated him anyway on getting the correct answer. Then I asked him to count to six. Normally this process is (1) Jayden counting his way (2) me showing him how to count (3) Jayden trying to count like I do, but unsuccesfully and (4) us counting correctly together. Yesterday, however, Jayden counted to 6 ALL BY HIMSELF! He was actually able to correctly identify the number 6 independently and count from 1-6 correctly on his own several times during the game. It was seriously the highlight of my week.

You should have seen his smile. I wish I had my camera because these are the moments that I love.

The Day That Came and Went

Yesterday came and went. I didn't plan ahead as to how I would spend the day. I didn't make sure I was surrounded by close friends and I didn't spend the weekend reflecting on what happened three years ago or have flashbacks. It was truely a breakthrough.

On October 3, 2007 I was raped by a guy that I considered a friend - or at least I had a relationship with. Truthfully the relationship wasn't much of a relationship because of the emotional abuse that I put up with from him. I was in this relationship on and off for a period of 5 years...culminating in him raping me in my bedroom and my spending the night at the police department recounting every horrific detail.

I spent countless nights having nightmares and flashbacks. I experienced a host of symptoms that went along with Rape Trauma Syndrome. I also went to a Christian counselor who practices theophostic healing. On the year "anniversary" I stayed overnight at a friend's house because I didn't want to be alone. The time leading up to that day brought on a new wave of RTS. I continued experiencing an increase in RTS symptoms leading up to the "anniversary" the following year, but I spent that day with my aunt at my parents' house. She (as is all of my family) is unaware of what happened to me, so she was unaware of the significance the day held for me in my mind.

This year was different though because for the first time I didn't wake up thinking about what the day meant. I didn't spend all of last week (or the month for that matter) dreading yesterday. Part of this could have been due to the fact that I was at a get-together with friends that lasted well into the night and I went to church exhausted, but I also think that a part of it is because over time I've been healing.

I can honestly say that I can't remember the last flashback or nightmare I've had revolving around my rape. I no longer think of myself on a daily basis as a victim and I no longer experience the anxiety and depression that accompanied me on a daily basis. I vaguely remember a time when I thought I had lost my soul and I spent everyday haunted by the memories. Today I feel free - free of my haunting memories, free of the pain, and free to embrace life.

Attitude Adjustment

I was recently told by a friend that I needed an attitude adjustment. Although these may seem like rather harsh words, they were said in the context of trying to change how I thought about myself. At the time I was feeling rather stressed out (though how this is different than normal I'm not entirely sure) and the thoughts running through my mind included things like "failure", "not good enough", and "people only care about me when I'm doing the right thing" (being perfect).

Now I know there's a verse in the Bible that talks about judging others, but I find that I'm much more judgemental towards myself than towards others. I could blame it on the belief system that I grew up with, and I'm sure that does have a role, but the truth is that I shouldn't be living in the past. I also think that believing self-depreciating thoughts or lies about oneself is a struggle that many women face on a daily basis.

The truth of the matter is that I'm not perfect. However, just because I do something wrong doesn't give me the right to believe that I'm not loveable/likeable anymore. My true friends will stick with me in spite of my faults and weaknesses. God will not abandon me....although I do have to make sure that there isn't any unconfessed sin hindering my relationship with Him.
The other mindset that I have to be very careful not to succumb to is carrying a burden of guilt. You see, even after I confess my sins, it's still very hard for me not to continually berate myself for the mistake(s) I've made.

I've come to realize that I possess alot of "head-knowledge" but that when it comes to the application process I have a much harder time. It seems that each day God brings about new opportunities for me to learn this lesson. Some days I do ok with not wandering down the road of self-depreciation thoughts but other days I don't do nearly as well. I'm still learning how to take every thought captive and to see myself as God sees me - His child, made perfect by His love and grace.

Reflections of my Week

Praises:

1) That somehow I've made it through this week :)
2) On Monday Jack (2nd grader who is mute and bites) came off the bus in a horrible mood. I kept praying and asking God for His peace in the classroom and especially in Jack. With the exception of the first 1/2 hr, the rest of the day everyone was commenting on how good Jack was behaving. It was an amazing answer to prayer.
3) Jeremy transitioned well each day this week! This is great since he goes through 2 transitions in a short period of time. On Tues I literally come to his house, call in, grab snack, and get him in the car to drive to an appointment 45 min away. Jeremy was extremely cooperative and we made it to his appointment on-time (another answer to prayer).
4) I haven't seen any treatment of my students that seem borderline abusive. Previously I had seen the teacher force-feed a student to the point where he was crying, gagging, and begging her to stop.
5) The teacher I work with seems to be happier in general and also seems to have started actually respecting me.
6) I haven't had any migraines this week!

Requests:

1) That Jack would learn how to speak.
2) That the teachers in the classroom would continue to work as a team.
3) That I would not get sick from those students who have started developing colds this week.
4) That not only would Jeremy continue to transition well but that he would be able to complete all of his hw with his first babysitter (this is a goal of his mom's).
5) That I would continue to be able to schedule chiropractor appointments since I really don't have any time to schedule things between 8am and 7pm most days.
6) Wisdom in how I handle discipline with all of my kids.
7) This week was hard on me emotionally because I started beating myself up for everything that I perceived that I was doing wrong. Please pray that I would learn to be a little easier on myself and not feel guilty about everything all of the time.

The Simple Pleasure of Encouraging Words

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24

Now that fall truly is in the air it is quite common to find me wrapped in a blanket of some sort - whether I'm reading, watching a movie, or taking a nap - a blanket fills me with warmth and security. It is no wonder then that I own several blankets in various colors and thicknesses.

The Sunday School lesson I was teaching yesterday required a blanket as a prop. The theme of this month is respect and yesterday's topic was showing respect to others with your words. The blanket was to be used as an illustration showing how words can be used to comfort. I really liked that illustration because just like I keep a blanket around me to ward off the chill in the air, an encouraging and comforting word is needed for me to ward off the chilling words either spoken to me by others or the negative thoughts that spring up in my mind.

Everyday it seems that we are assaulted with words or thoughts that we're not good enough. Commercials try to convince us that we aren't beautiful enough unless we buy certain beauty products, we might hear negative opinions about the way we do things from co-workers or other people in our lives, and then there is the litany of negative thoughts about ourselves that seem to constantly run through our minds. With all of those negative words being spoken and thought we really need to wrap ourselves up in a thick blanket of soothing, comforting, and uplifting words.

The best blanket that I have found to wrap myself up in when negative thoughts are swirling in my mind is my Bible. It is here that God tells me how much He loves me and cares for me. He tells me that I am beautiful because He made me to be exactly the way I am. They are words that soothe, heal, and sink deep down into my soul. Some of my favorite verses to wrap around myself include

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:8

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior," Isaiah 43:2-3a

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;" Isaiah 49:15-16a

My final thought for today is for you to take five minutes out of your day today to either say, write, or text someone an encouraging word. It could make all the difference in their day.

Yet

The storm isn't here yet.
I haven't gotten an answer yet.
The timing isn't right yet.
I don't feel like I fit in yet.
I'm not married yet.
We don't have any children yet.
I don't have a job yet.
The electric company hasn't turned off the power yet.
My house hasn't been foreclosed yet.
They haven't found a cure yet.

Trepidation, anxiety, confusion, hesitation, and bewilderment, mixed with a glimmer of hope
such emotions swirl around in the confines of a three letter word.
The unknown looming in an undetermined timeframe
filling our minds with unspoken questions and concerns,
turning our faith to doubt, our trust to wariness, and our peace to agitation.

But yet You promise never to leave us
or ever let Your children beg bread.
We say the same prayers over and over again
and yet You promise to hear us every time we cry out to You.
You know our dreams and desires as well as our weaknesses
and yet You love us still.

The First Week

I'm actually really glad that the first week of school was only 2 days. I know that probably sounds selfish on some level because after all most people have to work 5 days, but I felt like the 2 days I did work lasted the equivalent of 5.

The first day of school I woke up not feeling great. It was rather unnerving to realize that going back to work immediately brought on migraine symptoms. I decided to take an imitrex while the pain wasn't too bad instead of waiting until I was at school, dealing with children and trying to deal with the pain. Unfortunately taking the imitrex resulted in my having to lie down for a while and skip breakfast. By the time I actually got to school I was feeling better, but still not great.

The classroom I'm in has 12 students. Four of those were kindergarteners who were only there 1/2 days (full day starts next week). That was a good thing because it's a whole new experience for them. Most 5-yr olds need time to adjust to school routines, but autistic kindergarteners need extra time. Everything is new and exciting which means that they get overstimulated. Tantrums quickly erupt as they realize that they cannot play with their new favorite toy for the entire day.

In addition to 4 kindergarteners we also have 6 1st graders who come the entire day. One of whom is nonverbal. On the plus side these children already know the classroom and the routine. They still don't react well to change however. After several transitions, one of my students actually bit me on the arm. He's a nonverbal student and so he communicates displeasure by biting. He didn't break the skin, but I have to say that my arm is still quite sore from that experience.

There isn't any "down" time in this classroom, which I find one of the hardest adjustments I've had to personally make. Last year I was used to coming in, working with some students while drinking my morning coffee or tea, sitting at circle time and monitoring the kids, etc. There is no time for morning coffee in this classroom, in fact it might actually pose a danger as I am constantly having to move about the classroom - guiding children to what they are supposed to be doing, disciplining them constantly, and holding them during their tantrums - or away from me should I sense a child trying to bite me. I do get a 45 min lunch break, for which I am extremely thankful for.

The 2nd day went smoother thankfully. This had more to do with the fact that my job for the morning was to observe one of our 1st grade students in a regular classroom in order to determine if he needs a one on one aide. Although he definitely needs one, the process to make that an actuality will take much longer than anyone would like I believe. That being said, the task of observing this student was far less taxing than being in the classroom. I did spend the afternoon in the classroom with all of the students minus the kindergarteners, but I left not feeling nearly as exhausted as the 1st day.

I was asked today if my job brought "life to me". At the moment I would say that it's more draining than life-giving, but I also know that this is also a new experience for me. It's not that I hate my job, because I don't, but at the moment I'm still in "survival mode". I'm sure once I adapt to this new routine I will have a much clearer perspective.

Change

"They must never leave by the same gateway they came in, but must always use the opposite gateway." Ezekiel 46:9b

It's been a long time since I've posted anything on this blog. There have been several reasons for this: (1) there have been too many changes in my life over the summer to keep up with, (2) I haven't been home or on the computer nearly as much as I used to be, and (3) during the rare times that I was home and on the computer my brain was too tired to compose even a basic sentence.

Tonight is one of those rare evenings where I find myself both home, with brain power, and with a verse to share. One of the last times I posted I mentioned not knowing whether or not I'd be coming back this fall to the classroom I worked in last year. I spent the summer waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Of course I did other things besides wait - I worked as a tutor for Huntington Learning Center, I continued to babysit Jeremy, I helped plan a neighborhood carnival for my church, and I hung out with friends and watched movies. Yet I still had no answers as to what the fall would bring.

I'm going to make a very LONG and dramatic story short and just say that I found out on Friday, Sept. 4th that I'd be working for the Upper Nyack School district in a k-2nd grade self-contained autistic classroom....starting tomorrow (Sept. 7th). There is nothing quite like the feeling of waiting until the very last minute, let me tell you.

With the advent of a new school year starting and the approach of fall (I'm already beginning to phase sweaters into my wardrobe :( ), not to mention other changes going on in my life, I am feeling very reflective. That's probably why the verse in Ezekiel struck me so. Generally speaking the book of Ezekiel doesn't do much for me...especially when reading all about the specific measurements of the temple. I'm not very good with visualizing measurements, so reading about temple measurements ranks right up there with reading long lists of geneologies. However, when I read the verse about the people having to enter the temple on one side and going out the other side and being instructed about NOT going back the way they came, it made me think about my life.

I've had various seasons of my life...there have been good times for sure, but there have also been the ugly times. In each stage though, God required me and helped me to move forwards, not backwards. Of course there were times when I seemed to be going backwards, but in reality it was just a part of the healing process I was going through at the time. When I think about the person I was in college and who I am now I actually see a huge difference in how I viewed myself, God, and life in general. I know that I'm still on my journey and that I'm still working on certain aspects of my character, but no matter what other changes and challenges life throws at me, I am determined not to go back the way I came.

Things I Have Actually Said to my Cats

I have had cats since I was 10 years old and for the life of me I'd never thought I'd hear myself say any of the following:

"Seriously?!? It's just rain! Go back to sleep!"

"If I have to get out of bed and open this door neither one of us will be happy!

"Come back in an hour"

"It's not my fault if I decapitate you because you stuck your neck out the door."

"Does everything on the table have to be on the floor?" Followed by "If you choose to drop something you need to be able to pick it up."

"Can you throw up on the hardwood floor?"

"Why is the picture on my tv blurry? Have you been playing with the cable again?"

"Get out of the refrigerator."

And my all time favorite one: "Stop drinking my coffee"

I'm admitting here that there are times I still get anxious and worry like crazy. I have made tremendous progress since my childhood in this area, but even so, there are days like today when I look at my bank statement and realize the full impact of what not getting paid means.

I could write all about my monetary troubles and the thoughts going through my head, but instead I think I'm going to focus on God and His promises.

Over the past few days these have been some of the verses that I've read and been drawn to:

"You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21

"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94:18-19

"Come, let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our maker, for he is our God. We are the people he watches over, the flock under his care." Psalm 95:6-7

"In a desert land he found [her], in a barren and howling waste. He shielded [her] and cared for [her]; he guarded [her]as the apple of his eye." Deuteronomy 32:10

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul." Psalm 31:7

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"This is what the Lord says to his anointed,....I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45

The Last Day of School

I should have been excited about today. After all it was the LAST day of school for the year! In reality we stopped actual teaching a while ago in order to focus more on packing up the classroom. There comes a certain liberation in being freed from the classroom itself for the summer though. While the kids can be challenging at times, I find the rest of the teaching world to be quite exhausting. This includes, but is certainly not limited to, waking up daily at 5:30am, providing counseling regarding personal issues, rubrics, grades, and assessments to both teachers and assistants alike, delving into the political minefield of teacher-teacher relationships as well as teacher-principal relationships, avoiding certain parents who are certifiable stalkers, and maintaining my composure during hour long meetings in which complaints are numberous and solutions few.

This year, although I was happy for the summer to begin, I was also grieving because I'm not entirely sure if I'm coming back next year or not. The plan was for me to move to 1st grade with this class. The letter sitting on my kitchen table states otherwise. Now, I realize that this isn't necessarily the end. Lots of things can change by the end of August and there may indeed be a reinstatement of my position. My thoughts on which way it'll go depends on the mood I'm in on any given day.

I left today without saying goodbyes. Ryan asked me if he'd see me next year in first grade. I had too much of a lump in my throat to answer him, so I simply gave him a hug and told him to have a good summer. Some of the other staff members asked if they would see me next year as well. My standard reply - "I don't know, hopefully". I couldn't bear the thought of not being in the building everyday and seeing these people who have become my friends, and so I left without saying any permanent goodbyes.

For now I'll continue to pray that I get an e-mail or a phone call with good news for September.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Memories

In honor of my Grandma's 90th birthday I wrote her a poem. I honestly didn't know what else to get her as a gift. It's probably not the best writing ever, but it does come from my heart.

Memories

I remember sleepovers

sheer white curtains blowing in the back bedroom

violets on the plant stand.

I remember family get togethers

playing with my cousins in the backyard

while the adults sat around and chatted.

I remember Christmas Eves

the plays, the singing, the Norwegian desserts

singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus

opening and playing with our presents.

I remember Sundays

you always sat in the second left side pew

afterwards we'd walk you and Grandpa to the corner

listening to the discussions you'd have with my Dad.

I remember you always being there

graduations, concerts, recitals, award ceremonies

always proud of my accomplishments.

I remember sporadic visits to your house

I always knew I was welcomed

and you always had a snack.

I remember laundry on the clothesline

books by the couch, games in the closet,

laughter in the air.

Thank you for all the wonderful memories you gave me.

Have a wonderful 90th birthday!

A Step in the Right Direction....

After a week of waiting I finally got an answer to what I'm doing for income this summer. I was told that the position at Jawanio was no longer available because the girl who had said she was taking the summer off decided to stay. I actually anticipated an answer like this...not that the position was no longer available, but I got the feeling that I wouldn't be working for Jawanio in a classroom setting.

As soon as I got off the phone I made a call to Huntington, where I've previously worked as a tutor. I was immediately put back on their schedule starting July 6th. Although this wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, I also know that this is exactly the place where God wants me to be working this summer.

I left Huntington for a few reasons back in October. One of them was the fact that I never had a set schedule. This is the very nature of the business - I could work 2 hours a week or I could work 20. Sometimes I start out being scheduled for 20 and only end up working 10. Other weeks I start out with 2 hrs of scheduled time and end up working 10 hrs. Steady income, tutoring is not. Some of the other drawbacks were a payraise freeze, being left in charge of the entire building on short notice, and always being asked to do extra things, like run meetings, without any sort of compensation.

Some of the perks of working there included having an extremely flexible schedule, being respected by those who worked there, and sometimes actually working in a stress-free environment. In case you're wondering - those days are usually not the same ones where I suddenly find myself in charge or the building. Another perk is continuing to build a relationship with my boss Krista.

Last summer I got to know Krista a little better. I learned that she would like to go back to church, that she actually lives across the street from the church I'm a member of, and that she knows a few of my friends at church (it's a very small world). Since I left Huntington, I've lost contact with Krista, so I'm thankful for the opportunity to reconnect.

There are still a lot of questions I have unanswered as to what direction the rest of my life is going on. I'm just thankful that I have additional income this summer, which hopefully means that I'll be financially stable for the next two months. After that, I have no idea. Fortunately God does and that gives me a great sense of comfort.

Facing Disapointment

So the other day I was reading about Elijah. I like Elijah. His life is full or ups and downs, kind of like mine. Actually, the part I was reading about had more to do with the widow and her son than it did Elijah. Here's this poor widow just trying to survive in the midst of a horrible famine. She meets Elijah on the night that she is preparing her last meal for her and her son before they die. Maybe it's a bit overdramatic, but sometimes life does feel that way. Elijah comes to her and asks her to share what little bit she has left. The Bible doesn't record what she says, but I believe that I can actually feel her frustration with this request because there are times when I barely have anything left to give and it seems that God asks just a little bit more from me. I actually start to feel resentment when this happens. Thankfully that feeling goes away.

Anyway....so the widow decides to share her meager supplies and she and her son survive....for a while. Then, out of the blue, her son dies. Now, this is where life gets really hard. You're at the end of your rope, you are given a brief glimpse of hope, and then everything falls apart anyway. It seems like cruel and unusual punishment. This is where I'm at right now.

In my last post I wrote about one of my messy days and how there was one bright spot during the day in which I got a phone call from Jawanio about a summer job. Not only a summer job, but the perfect summer job it seemed because it would start on July 12th and go until Aug. 20th from 8:30am - 2pm. It was perfect hours - it let me sleep in a little longer and gave me plenty of time to pick up Jeremy from camp. It was the perfect days because it allowed me to feel some sense of having a vacation, yet still get a steady paycheck. The unknowns were the exact job responsibilities as well as pay. When I talked to Laura (my HR person) she gave me this woman Gail's extension. I was told that Gail was very excited to meet me and that I'd need to come in soon just to talk things over. When I talked with Gail she made it sound as if we were just having an informational meeting. Later, when I talked with Laura again I was told that the "talk" was actually a formal interview. Laura was convinced that I'd be given the job right then and there and even said that she'd call later in the day to arrange a time for me to pick up some additional forms and to be fingerprinted (yet again). In my mind I had the job - plain and simple.

Or not. The interview was, um, very different than what I expected. Gail's questions all centered on my future goals. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"and "If you were reinstated by Clarkstown would you return?" (honestly, she already knew the answer to that one) were some of the questions she asked me. In addition, she made the comment that "public school ta's often have a hard time with this job because they're used to sitting all day and having the kids bring them work. They're not used to getting down and dirty with the kids." OK, so I'm not quite sure what to think at this point. And then she tells me that she'll call next week with her decision. Next week?!?! Really? I look at her confused and then tell her about Laura calling me later that night about paperwork. Gail's response? "Well, Laura wants everything done yesterday. I have another person interviewing for the position though....either later today or sometime tomorrow....I can't remember. But it wouldn't be fair to make a decision right now." Another person interviewing?!?!?

Maybe I won't have the "perfect" summer job after all. As if that weren't enough, I had a meeting with my principal on Friday. When I asked her about being rehired in the fall she informed me that everything was based on senority in the district. Being hired in Dec. 2008 doesn't give me a whole lot of senority, so my chances of not coming back just rose. My principal also informed me that I should probably be taking a proactive approach to looking for another job - just friendly advice. She doesn't want to lose me, but she also knows that the odds aren't in my favor. Great...not only may I not have much of an income for the summer, but it's not looking too promising for the fall either.

The thing is I had already been in this position before. I wasn't sure about what I was doing for income during the summer and I already had the conversation about being let go from the school district. Then, I was given hope - the offer of a summer job as well as the budget passing which allowed for less cuts. I feel as though the rug has been swept out from under me.

I don't know for sure what became of the widow and her son. I do know that God answered Elijah's prayers and brought the widow's son back to life. I wonder if she had to endure even more disappointments along the road of life. Honestly, I'm not sure how to deal with disappointment. I know it hurts. I also know that God is good and that He'll continue to provide for me. I just wish I knew what that looked like sometimes.

The Messy Days

I very rarely do this...but I'm going out on a limb and being vulnerable and completely honest. For a while now I've been sensing that I need to become more vulnerable and so today I'm going to tell you about the messy side of my life. These are the days I wish I could redo...or skip altogether, but they are a part of life and we all have them unfortunately.

Yesterday I learned of two similar tragedies that happened to two different friends. My one friend Nasha was supposed to have a healthy baby girl...instead she succumbed to something that only 1% of women who go into labor develop. At 9:30am I learned that her baby had died unexpectedly and that she was fighting for her life. Finally I learned at 7:30pm that she was ok - at least in the physical sense. Later that same afternoon I learned that another friend also lost her baby and she was rather far along too. Basically it was just a day full of shock, numbness, and general sadness.

So today I woke up with some of those same feelings. I cried through breakfast. I did my devotional reading out of habit, but quite honestly barely remember any of it. Except the first part of the potion of Ecclesiastes I read which said "When people live to be very old, let them rejoice in every day of life. But let them also remember there will be many dark days. Everything still to come is meaningless." Yep...got to love Eccelesiastes to brighten life up a bit. Praying? Yeah....no...that really didn't happen today either.

Today at school was field day. As one of my students so aptly put it "it's wild out there - there are parents." Ah yes, a five year old with wisdom! And it was - wild and there were lots of parents. By 10:30am my students voluntarily got their rest mats to lay down and I wished I could join them. Later on during recess that same student who had been oh so wise earlier decided she needed to show me something. That something? A trapeeze like move on the fire engine jungle gym. She missed the bar and barely missed a landing that I thought for sure would paralize her. My heart literally stopped. Fortunately all that happened was a good scare and the wind knocked out of her.

In addition to this all of the staff at school are on edge because of all the changes taking place. Kelly is particularly stressed....adding to whatever stress I had before yesterday. By the end of the day I was beyond exhausted. I got in my car and promptly cried again.

A note of good news should be inserted here: I did get a call about a summer position which would be absolutely perfect. In the midst of all this I managed to set up the interview for tomorrow. Hopefully it's less of an emotional day.

On to Jeremy's house I go....and in the process of getting a migraine from lack of sleep and crying. Woo hoo. I take some imitrex. Jeremy is wonderful and even though by 3:30 my body is starting to go into pain and my back is killing me he doesn't mind getting the baseball for me or complain that I'm walking to first base instead of running. I have no ambition to push myself. By the time we get to social group I'm in such agonizing pain that sitting on a couch surrounded by pillows is painful - let alone doing anything. I am now counting down the minutes until I see the chiropractor over by Jeremy's house in Suffern.

This is where things get particularly exciting. See, over the past few weeks it's become a habit for Jeremy and I to go to Rockland Bakery after social group for a bagel. Now I have no desire to prolong our trip home and Jeremy just had a party at group since it was his last day so I proceed to go directly home. Jeremy then says to me "I want to go to Rockland Bakery." Uh oh. I explain that he just ate and that I was in the wrong lane and that we'd be home soon. Full. Blown. Temper. Tantrum.....and now I'm just counting down the minutes until we get home when....

TRAFFIC!!!! Like the entire westbound thruway is at a standstill. This doesn't help Jeremy's temper tantrum. And this is where I fully want to throw my own temper tantrum. Now I put in a phone call to his mom...complete with screaming and banging in the background...then I put in a call to the chiropractor - thankfully minus the screaming and banging. As we approached the thruway entrance (the Palisades Parkway was also backed up) Jeremy's dad called to tell me that he'd meet us at McDonald's in Nanuet. This would normally thrill me except for the fact that I still have to get to Suffern by 6:45.

We wait in line at McDonalds and I decide that I'm having a milkshake for dinner...just because. Jeremy's dad pays. I barely get out of the parking lot before the tears start again. Within 10 min I'm completely crying while navigating the backroads of Rockland County to get to Suffern. Amazingly this only took 15 min and I honestly had no idea where I was going.

I have an amazing chiropractor who stayed late just to help me...which he did because when I left the office I wasn't in any pain whatsoever and I felt like I could deal with life again....at least until tomorrow anyway.

There's something about acrostic poems. I'm not sure what it is but they are by far my favorite type of poem to write.

Free falling into the unknown
Abiding in God's presence
I'm clutching His hand ever so tightly
Today and everyday are in His hands
He is involved in every moment of my life

A Horizon Moment

Today was one of those rare mornings where I spent the morning with a knot in my stomach. Normally mornings are somewhat stress free and the evenings bring on anxiety as the stress from the day takes its toll.

It's June 1st...rent is due and I knew I still had some checks to clear and honestly trying to figure out how much I'd be left with in my checking account left me feeling quite nauseated. It wouldn't have been quite so bad if I hadn't decided to get sick last week which resulted in doctors' copays and debits for prescriptions. That's not to say I'm not grateful for insurance because I am, but after awhile all of those copays add up.

And I'm trying to be careful with how I spend my money, but it's rather discouraging to constantly be in the position of not being able to pay my rent on time or to struggle with how to pay the monthy bills. So I sat on my couch this morning eating my breakfast and wondering how I was going to be able to handle this month financially. Oh, did I mention that I still don't have a job lined up for this summer? Yes I'm still babysitting Jeremy but that yields about $100 or a so a week on a good week....not quite enough to pay my $975 rent let alone the car and insurance bills. There's 19 more days of school left....most teachers can't wait for the end of school. Me? I'm dreading the end of the school year.

Anyway....I'm reading in my devotional book and these are the verses highlighted for today: Psalm 18:30 and Isaiah 41:13. Psalm 18:30 says "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." Isaiah 41:13 says "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

Now I'm thinking "that's great....can you help me out with the rent God?" Seriously...I'm thinking this as the knot starts to grow. I go to work with the phrase "Do no fear; I will help you" stuck in my head and eventually over the course of the morning I'm starting to feel less anxious.

When I come home there's a card in the mail. The card is from a friend who got a little bit extra from God and decided to share it with me. The check inside was for $300. After finally getting up the courage to look at my finances I realized that this actually brings me very close to what I need for rent this month. I get paid on Friday which will make up the difference.

Sometimes I actually get very clear and direct answers to my prayers.

An amazing e-mail

I didn't go to see my mom for various reasons on Mother's Day. Instead, I went to see her this past weekend. In addition to seeing my mom I also got a chance to see my aunt (mom's sister), who was visiting from London. My mom and my aunt don't really get along - or I should say my mom doesn't get along with my aunt - so these times tend to be, um, stressful to say the least. In addition, there was a get together of my dad's side of the family on Sunday and the wedding of my brother's ex-girlfriend.

Not that we went to the wedding, mind you. Steven's break-up with her was not far off from a complicated divorce case involving malicious slander. Of course he met her at church, which just made for really interesting politics all around. He has since moved to the DC area and my mom has yet to get over the event (which was like 5 years ago). My mom's favorite hobby is stalking his ex via internet. Although one time she did pay me to drive pass her parents' new house. The things I do for coffee and some extra cash.

Anyway, all that to say that when I talked to my mom the day before leaving she was stressed out and not in a very good mood. I was dreading going down and walking into this mess. So, I do the only thing I can do in these situations. I ask my friends to pray for the time I spend with my relatives.

I honestly wasn't sure how I left things, but this was the e-mail I received today from my aunt:

I just wanted to say it was good to see you. Thank you for the insight into your mom. I really found it very helpful to know that it's not just me and think that may just help our relationship going forward. I am flying out tonight (if the volcano and the winds cooperate!) so I left your mom a card with a note inside to say thank you for all she does and a ps that she looks great. She called to say thank you and was crying. I didn't want to make her cry but it was good to know I wasn't in trouble for it!

Thanks again. You are a clever girl! Please let me know how things go job-wise and if I can ever do anything for you please say so.

Lots of love
Ellen

All I can say is WOW - and yes, it brought tears to my eyes to read.

I love my migraine doctor. Yes, she sticks me with at least one needle everytime I see her, but she has been my advocate for years. She's gone out of her way to try and figure out what causes my random symptoms of periodic fevers, sore throats, body aches, extreme/debilitating fatigue, etc.

Over a year ago I had brought her pictures of my hands during a Raynaud's attack. It had been a particularly bad attack because my hands were still numb and white for over an hour - 45 min of which was spent doing a cardio workout. These pictures generally make doctors very uncomfortable because with the frequency and severity of my attacks two winters ago I should have started the process of having gangrene or some tissue necrosis. The fact that I haven't had either one is a testimony of God's healing power. Fortunately, my attacks this winter weren't nearly as severe. Currently Dr. Lynda uses these pictures during her presentations as she is quickly becoming an expert in the area of raynauds as well as migraines. Actually the two conditions are more closely linked than most people realize.

Anyway....a few months ago Dr. Lynda had another patient in her office telling her about how bad her raynauds were. Dr. Lynda showed her my pictures and said "Do your hands look like this?". The patient said that her hands looked exactly like that, to which Dr. Lynda then thought "Uh oh....another one?!?". She then told her patient that she may need to see a rheumatoid arthritis doctor....just in case. Last week I saw Dr. Lynda and she told me that she had gotten an e-mail from this other patient. She was just diagnosed with sclerderma.

I'm still waiting to be diagnosed with either a form of sclerderma or another autoimmune disorder. My antibodies have been positive for many years for CREST syndrome and some of the symptoms I experience can be related to having CREST. This week I will be going for a lung CT in hopes of finding answers to why I have suddenly had severe asthma for the past 6 months. Just yesterday I went into two asthma attacks and I was on the advair inhaler. What my doctor is looking for is a complication of CREST syndrome that can look like asthma to most people, including other doctors.

Some days it is honestly very frustrating for me not to have a diagnosis of some sort. There are even days where I think that I must be crazy and that this "sickness" is all in my head. Fortunately more and more doctors have started taking me and my symptoms seriously, which helps me to know that there's some validity to my complaints.

Even if I never get an actual diagnosis I am very thankful that God used my symptoms and my medical complaints to educate my doctor about the link between severe Raynauds and autoimmune disorders like sclerderma in order to help others.

Horizon Moment #1

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." Psalm 55:22

"The Lord replied 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest'." Exodus 33:14

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

These were seemingly random Scripture references that I looked up as part of my devotional readings today (no they were not all from the same devotional). Definitely words I needed today as I looked at my agenda schedule for the next few weeks, I can feel my body screaming at me to slow down, and my burdens feel like they're getting heavier.

The Hard Days

I had three really good weeks for which I am very thankful for, but today is one of the hard days. One of those days where I wonder how much longer I can take the pain before (1) either calling in my refill of steriods or (2) begging to be taken to the ER for pain meds. I'm thinking it's simplier to just call in the refill, though I know that's not instantaneous relief. The thing is it hasn't even been 24 hours of pain yet and already I'm thinking these thoughts.

Perhaps it's because I know that the Tylenol I've been constantly taking won't help and I know that the pain is going to get far worse by the end of the day. Right now it's manageable because I'm sitting supported...throw in a full day of teaching followed by a boy who will ask me as soon as he gets off the bus "Can we go to the park and play baseball?" and my chances of having a good attitude about this will most likely go downhill. I could always tell Jeremy that we can't play baseball today and then deal with the inevitable temper tantrum. He's still learning about manging his emotions when things happen that are outside his control. Come to think of it...so am I.

This is what I'm clinging to at the moment: "I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. Then I will praise God's name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving. For this will please the Lord more than sacrificing cattle, more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves. The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help be encouraged. For the Lord hears the cries of the needy; he does not despise his imprisoned people." Psalm 69:29-36

She grew up rejected
ignored
silenced
Her heart was broken
crushed
stifled
She built the walls to keep out the hurt.
Instead she created a prison for herself.
Always an observer of what was going on.
Never invited in.

I long to tell her of the FREEDOM that exists
of a LOVE where she is accepted for who she is
the JOY of sharing in the lives of others.

Yet she remains distant
hurting
resentful

I long to tell her of the FREEDOM that exists
of a LOVE where she is accepted for who she is
the JOY of sharing in the lives of others.

I don't know how to reach out to her
I fear her cynical reply
silence
doubt
jealousy

I long to tell her of the FREEDOM that exists
of a LOVE where she is accepted for who she is
the JOY of sharing in the lives of others.

Only God can heal the broken places
break down the walls
free her from her prison
bring peace and joy into her life

He alone can show her the FREEDOM that exists
LOVE her for who she is
create JOY in sharing in the lives of others.

The Gift of Chicken

The other day I got a present....it was two packages of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.....anyway.....it got me thinking about the past 6 months or so and these are my thoughts.

I really wondered if I was crazy to switch from tutoring to watching Jeremy. After all, Huntington paid better than Jawanio - at least on paper anyways. I would also be traveling further, and more often, as well as working longer hours. The irony was that, at the time, I was trying to simplify my life.

God had other plans though. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I still feel stressed out and tired after dealing with Jeremy's temper tantrums, but he's far less demanding than dealing with trying to help a child learn, answer other teachers' questions (and believe me, teachers can ask some downright silly questions, if you ask me), and answer the phones while trying to maintain some semblance of sanity. Most days I get to enjoy a cup of coffee as well as choose from a variety of snacks to eat during the afternoon. Some days I get to take a nap or read a book while waiting for Jeremy during this appointments (3 days a week). I get to be outside on nice days and play baseball with him (as well as work on my tan....ok, sunburn) or watch t.v./movies with him on rainy days.

I also couldn't ask for a more generous boss. Sure we may disagree some days on discipline procedures, but she makes sure I work as close to 12 hours a week for Jawanio and she pays me off the bookos for anyday I stay after 5:45pm - which is everyday. One day she gave me a box of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies....another day her mother brought over a box of Colgate toothpaste samples...and no the two are not necessarily related. A few days ago she gave me 2 packages of chicken breasts that she picked up for me because they were on sale and she plans to continue to buy me meat whenever it is on sale....including hamburger meat! Um, yeah, it's been a while considering how excited I am over that prospect.

There is no doubt in my mind that working with Jeremy is really God's best for me at this particular moment.

Reassured

Sometimes I just need to be reassured. For the past year or so I've been living month to month. Sometimes I've been able to pay all of my rent by the first of the month, but more often than not, I've had to write multiple checks. During those particular months I was constantly thinking about money - how much I still owed my landlords and how much I'd need for bills, followed by how much I had earned towards next months rent. It gets to be a tiresome cycle.

When this first started I became very concerned about how my landlords viewed me. Would they think that eventually I'd stop being able to pay rent altogether? Would they feel like I was taking advantage of them? Personally I started feeling like a failure because I couldn't pay on-time. Being the product of a banker and the church treasurer it was ingrained in me that you pay every bill on-time. I've yet to tell my parents about my rent situation or my credit card situation (that will probably end up being a separate post).

Anyway.....this month is another one of those months where I'm short on my rent by $200 or so. I'll get paid in a couple of weeks and I will pay them the rest, but I've found myself in the cycle again. The summer is quickly approaching and I'm still not 100% certain how I'm going to make enough money to pay the bills. I'm also still uncertain as to my fate in September. At the moment I may be able to get my job back, but I have to wait until May 18th for the public to vote on this new budget proposal. Even then I'm not sure if my job will be given back to me or not.

In the midst of these uncertainties I've often wondered what God is doing. Will things get so desparate financially that I'll be forced to move because I can't pay rent? Where would I move to? Although I often long for something new and to be able to move out of the garage I also know that I have one of the best deals in this part of New York. I know that God will continue to provide for me, but I also know that it may look very different than what I think.

Last night I ran into my landlord. Honestly I've tried to avoid both of my landlords because of my rent situation. I especially try to avoid them the day before rent is due when I have to give them another note along with my check saying that the rest will come in a couple weeks. However, my landlord was in a talkative mood when I met him. He asked me about my job situation (gulp). I was honest with him....it is in the paper after all. He told me that both he and his wife were in similar situations with their jobs. He made a comment about how "fun" it was to "always live life on the edge". I agreed....then told him that if it weren't for my faith I honestly didn't know how I'd get through this rollercoaster. He then asked me how long I'd been living there. Not quite knowing where this was going I responded "It'll be 3 years in August". I also apologized for not always being able to pay my full rent on time. His response "Don't worry about it - you've always been very good about the rent. In fact you've been the perfect tenant and my wife and I are very lucky to have you here." I was really humbled....but it was also the reassurance that I needed that I wasn't going to be asked to leave my home anytime soon.

The Horizon Question

I absolutely love the ocean. Nothing speaks to me of God's awesomeness, power, and strength better than watching the waves crash upon the shore. I spent this past weekend in Cape May, NJ for a women's retreat. The room where we stayed at had a direct view of the ocean. There were a couple of times during the weekend where I remember sitting on the couch looking out at the ocean....staring at the horizon to see what was just beyond. It was almost hypnotic.

During one of the talks our speaker gave, she asked us to leave thinking about a time we could remember God meeting us. For the life of me I still cannot remember the exact wording she used, but in my mind I will forever remember it as "The Horizon Question" because the horizon is the place where the sky meets the sea.

My desire is to have future posts describing "Horizon Moments" in my life....those times where there is no doubt in my mind that God and I have had some sort of encounter.

Mountain Building

Earlier this month I visited the Red Rock Amphitheater near Denver, Colorado. Despite the frigid wind which made it hard for me to really enjoy being outdoors, the sheer magnificence of these "rocks", as it were, simply amazed me. I have to be honest though, I didn't really value the significance of these rocks until the other night as I was viewing my photos. As I looked at and really studied these landforms I began to wonder how such things entered into existence.

Thank goodness for the Internet! In a matter of minutes I was able to ascertain the details of these rocks creation. According to the "all trusty" Wikipedia I found out that the Red Rocks are made up of sandstone that had first been eroded and then lifted up by "mountain building due to plate convergence". Um, ok..."what the heck is that?" I wondered. It's been longer than I thought since I last tutored high school earth science apparently. Back to the wonderful search engine box. I found a site called geocraft.com which described plate convergence like this: "Spectacular mountains result from the collision of continental crust as tectonic plates collide, buckling and bunching continental crust along their impinging plate margins. This movement is slow - only a few centimeters a year, but these forces are so powerful that some of the largest mountains in the world were created by this process."

Wow!! It hit me that this magnificent structure was built by first being torn down and then by being built up again and the whole process was torturously slow, if not downright violent at times, in my opinion. Which sounds remarkably like my life at times. I have times where it seems like my life is eroding. The world as I know it comes figuratively tumbling down around me. During these times my faith is being tested....sometimes it seems completely shattered....but it never totally disappears. The process feels rather turbulent, though in hindsight it is completely necessary to break down my previously held misconceptions about life, about who God is, and about who I am in Christ.

Then there is the process of mountain building. Those times when God uses others along the way to encourage me, when the Bible or a message specifically speaks to me or the situation I am going through. The days when I clearly see my prayer requests being answered and when I feel a strength inside of me that only God can give.

This whole process seems long and arduous to me. However, when I take the time to stop and look around me I've noticed my perspective has shifted over the years and that life looks very different now than when the sands first started to shift. Maybe, just maybe, I'm standing on ground that is slightly higher than it once was.

"Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise, in the city of our God, his holy mountain." Psalm 48:1