Thankfulness

November is the one month of the year which highlights being thankful.  Today I am thankful for:

1) Ray's driver's license!  Yes, back in October Ray was finally approved for a driver's license. Not only has this given Ray a sense of freedom, but it has freed me up because I no longer plan my days around how I am going to get Ray to and from places.  This has been a battle for many years and the day of Ray's road test was no exception.  On that day Ray was told that he didn't have the proper paperwork (no one had told him about this 1 particular paper).  As only God could, he orchestrated the way so that Ray was able to obtain this paperwork by the time needed.  The people giving the road test were very surprised!

2) God providing the energy and stamina that I need in order to do my job well.  The school that I work at has gone through a major transition between leadership as well as moving part of the school to another location.  This is resulting in chaos, with many teachers leaving - either of their own will or because they were forced to leave.  There seems to be a lack of discipline and one of the leaders of the middle school (where I'm at) is particularly critical of staff.  In general there is a darkness over the school which is both depressing and unhealthy.  In the past I would have given in, and believe me I still have those days, but the other day a teacher came up to me and said "Thank you for being a light in this darkness with your encouraging words."  In my natural state I cannot be this light.  It is only by the power of God in me that I am capable of being this light at this time.

3) Being able to handle a negative conversation without falling apart.  The other day I had a meeting with one of my immediate supervisors.  During this meeting I brought up my concern about the various discipline issues I'm seeing throughout the school.  For example, there are many students roaming the hall, there are students drawing up petitions to have certain teachers fired, there are students stealing from teachers, etc.  Instead of my supervisor addressing my concern she said to me that I am seeing this because classroom management has been, and continues to be, a weakness of mine.  This shocked me and I told my supervisor this, however, she continued to place the blame back on me in a very condescending tone.  With God's help I managed to stay very calm and reiterate that I was just noticing an observation.  At the end of the conversation I was able to say to my supervisor "I'm not sure if you're aware, but when you are providing constructive criticism you do so with a condescending tone, which I don't appreciate."  My supervisor did apologize for the fact that I felt that way (not quite a true apology), however, I felt better expressing myself to her.  I was furious the rest of the day and when I went home I vented to Ray and then found my previous evaluations.  Two of these evaluations praised my use of verbal and nonverbal classroom management.  None of my evaluations showed that classroom management was my weakness. 

4) Having weekends where I can relax.  I believe this is the first year of teaching at this particular school where I am not taking classes and working like crazy.  Yes, I still work on projects during the weekend, not but with the same frantic intensity that I used to.  This is resulting in allowing me more time to clean the house, contributing to my sense of calm and peace.

Safe Spaces

This was my office last year.  It was a place where kids came to work in a quiet place on reading or writing activities.  Sometimes it was a safe place for them to have emotional breakdowns or a place that I could retreat too when I was close to an emotional breakdown.  Most of the students were on the 3rd floor and my office was on the 2nd floor.  Sure, it got real loud with the public school middle school students always banging against the door and it didn't have any windows, but it had a private bathroom.  In a world obsessed with finding a "safe space" this was mine.  I had one office mate and half the time she was off-site.  The school I work at is moving to a brand new building sans 5th and 6th grade (middle school).  I was given the position of middle school interventionist and told that I would get to keep my office as I will need it to hold IEP meetings, etc.

Less than a week before the teachers were to return to school an email was sent out informing us that the new building had some unforeseen delays and that no one would be able to move in until October 10th.  Thankfully the school was already renting space at an additional school which can house k-2 and my current school will house 3-6th.  When I arrived for the start of orientation my office mate informed me that a decision had been made to move me out of the office and back into the classroom.  This doesn't mean that I'm back to being a classroom teacher, but it means that I now have a desk and cabinet (maybe) within a large 5th grade classroom.  The rationale for this decision was that the related services (speech, OT, counseling) would be utilized for a classroom or something and that my move was temporary.  No one knew when this was happening but since the classroom that I was moving into was being used as our orientation training room I figured (wrongly) that the move wouldn't happen until we were in the process of setting up classrooms.  Even so I began to pack up the contents of my desk into boxes.

What I didn't know until last Friday were the following: my current desk and cabinet needed to be thrown out.  Supposedly I will be given a new desk and I can utilize one of the cabinets in the classroom.  Also, this is a permanent move as my immediate supervisor wants me "more visible" and she felt that it would be an embarrassment for middle school students to be pulled out of class for intervention (even though it seems every kid is jealous of the ones who get pulled to spend time with me).

I tried to take 2 pieces of furniture with me during the move - my chair and a bookcase.  I was able to keep the chair, however, when my supervisor saw the bookcase she said that it had to be thrown out. I seriously wanted to cry and I'm not entirely sure why.  Very little of what I moved is personally mine. Still, my entire morning routine has been completely disrupted.  My computer and phone are both disconnected and being stored in the closet.  My old office is completely in shambles and has a bunch of new furniture in it.  This was far from the plan.

I've been watching news footage of the devastation in Texas from hurricane Harvey and again I've wanted to cry because I've had a glimpse of what it's like to have your world turned upside down and for your "safe space" to suddenly disappear.   I have empathy for those who are returning to their homes only to find an empty shell - possessions scattered all over the place or completely obliterated.
The phrase "this world is not my home" comes to mind because none of this is guaranteed.   There is this danger of  places and possessions becoming idols in our lives and often I don't realize it until something is taken away and this emotion wells up in me that wants to cry "I deserve this! Why is this being taken away from me?".  I've been doing lots of reflection and have come to the conclusion that I need to once again lay down my dreams and desires to God and hold loosely to what seems "safe" in my life - routine, my house, my office, etc and instead cling to God because only He is my true safe space.

God's Goodness

One of the complications of being diagnosed with infertility is that I'm more likely to have osteoporosis because my body isn't producing estrogen.  After two bone density scans it was determined that I was losing bone density which, if left untreated, could start leading to fractures.  As it so happens there is an osteoporosis treatment center down the block from my house.  As with many of my doctors, the discussion of my spinal fusion surgery for scoliosis when I was 15 came up.  Now I'll admit, osteoporosis isn't one of those conditions that worries me much because I don't look or feel any different than I did before I was diagnosed.  However, when thinking about bone loss I will admit that I started wondering how that affected my spine.  During the course of my doctor's long winded explanation of the history of how osteoporosis came to be diagnosed and how this will affect my overall life, the doctor made this comment "normally patients experience bone loss in their back first and then their hips.  You have significant bone loss in your hips, but your back is actually stronger because of the rods fused to your spine.  I wish I could convince all post menopausal women to have spinal fusion surgery.  If you didn't have surgery you'd be in constant pain at the moment and you'd have a hard time doing anything."

So...let's get this straight...when I was 15 we prayed for healing from scoliosis so that I wouldn't need back surgery, but God know I'd need to have back surgery and temporary back pain so that I wouldn't have to suffer future debilitating pain and could continue teaching in the Bronx.  Go figure.  Maybe one of these days I'll just learn to trust that whatever my circumstances, God is using all things for good and I can trust His plan for my life instead of trying to control everything on my own.😃

Welcome Spring!

Yes, spring is finally here!  Although it's around 80 degrees, so it feels more like summer right now.  When I think of spring, I think of dormant seeds awakening and bursting forth into life again, which is also how I am seeing my life at the moment.

Change #1: Landscape Transformation

This was our backyard when we first moved in (2014):

To put it mildly, it was a mess.

Over the years, it's undergone a remarkable transformation:

summer 2015

I tried some archery, however, I am still a novice and I lost a couple of arrows in the woods.  My lessons will resume once a backboard has been built.

summer 2016  - We had lot of cucumbers!

Raspberry bushes have been added this year!

One thing hasn't changed - the view!  This is my paradise during the summer months 😍😎

Change #2: Aunt Carol

Coming this winter I will become an aunt to a little girl from Thailand!  Currently her name is Watcharapa, but she will be called Abigail when she gets to the States. Her nickname is Yogurt and my brother and sister-in-law are officially adopting her from Thailand.  She is currently 2 years old (will turn 3 October 7th) and has been living in foster care. Please pray that everything continues to go smoothly.

Change #3: Position Change

I am no longer strictly teaching in the classroom - and loving it!  Here's my new office as of February.

I share it with the Special Education Coordinator.  I try not to tell my student too much about how you get to come here because EVERYONE wants to come hang out in my office!

Change #4: A New Ride

Back in November we decided to buy this big girl for $300 believing, in faith, that God would allow Ray to drive again.

I secretly call her Big Bertha.

It took several months, but we managed to get her insured and registered.  Currently I'm still the only driver but she's helpful for carrying large loads from Lowe's or Home Depot.  When I first started driving her I felt like I was 18 again and learning how to drive.  She's clearly a car from the 1990's.  

DMV did send a letter to Ray in January saying that he could drive, but there's a bunch of hoops he has to jump through first.  One of those hoops included getting a breathalyzer attached.  At first this bothered Ray, but not me.  Then I realized that installing this device meant several things: First it's an initial installment fee plus monthly payments.  Second, this will last at least for the next 5 years.  Third, there are limited places Ray can drive to - the grocery store is NOT one of them 😩.  That being said, there is some hope.  Last month, the appeals court heard Ray's lawyer's case for NOT having this device installed because it was never one of the original conditions placed on him when Ray lost his license.  By the end of April we should have a verdict.  If the verdict is not overturned, Ray will jump through the hoops because it will allow him to use this as a work vehicle and hopefully he can officially launch his business, but it is extremely limited freedom.

Once we have a verdict we will move forward on change #5: moving towards adoption.

This was something we had been contemplating for a while, however, with only 1 driver who spends long days at work, it really didn't seem feasible.  Just like the flowers which are just beginning to bloom, I feel like we are about to make a breakthrough of our own.

  

Snapshots of My Life

It's been 5 months since I've posted, so just in case you're wondering here's a brief update on my life:

October: Ray and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary (though we both feel sure we've been married far longer) in Tannersville, PA.  I'm all about not going far and finding a cheap hotel with an indoor pool.  It's also near Bushkill Falls and the Delaware Water Gap so we got to do some hiking as well as shooting.  Yes, I shot a gun for the first time and according to my instructor I'm "a natural". Yes, beware.....I have amazing aim....as long as my target can stand still for 5 minutes cause that's about how long it takes me to focus and shoot.

November: Lots of assessments being done on the students, so my days were busy with those.  Also, who decided scheduling three nights of parent-teacher conferences the week of Thanksgiving was a good idea?  Not that I can complain cause when you're leaving the building at 7:30pm Thanksgiving Eve traffic is amazingly nonexistent.

December: Ray started working a job which required us to leave the house no later than 5:30am and I was still just barely making it to work by 7:30am.  Did I mention this was a 12 hour a day job?  We ate lots of crock-pot meals.  After a month of this we decided hosting Christmas was a good idea.  Honestly, I figured it was the only way to get my parents to come up and see us.  Turns out my dad got sick and they didn't make it anyway.

January/February: Speaking of my dad getting sick....January 2nd I got a text from my mom "Dad is going to the ER.  Ambulance on the way". Um, what?!?  Turns out his "cold" was really pneumonia that should have been treated weeks ago.  The ambulance had to come because there was so much fluid building in his lungs that he couldn't get up and walk.  He spent 2 weeks in the hospital and was sent home with oxygen tanks.  At the same time my mom also came down with pneumonia and I ended up having to go to Staten Island and force her to go to the doctor.  This was no small feat, let me tell you, as she's incredibly stubborn.  My dad spent a week and a half or so at home until he had a follow up appointment.  While at the appointment the doctor took a look at some results and called another ambulance to take my dad back to the ER.  My dad is currently still at the hospital, although he thinks he'll go home soon, but doctors aren't sure why his lungs keep filling up with fluid.  The one thing everyone can agree on is that my dad needs heart surgery to replace his mitral valve.  This will be done at NYU.  My mom is hoping they can do it when I have off in two weeks.

Confidence

Today is one of the cloudy, cool days, that remind me why I love the fall.  I have already seen some leaves changing color.  Something else is changing too.  Last year at this time I was stressed out to the max.  I had just started a new job in the Bronx as a 4th grade teacher with a co-teacher who was not the best fit for me.  Not only was I staying late at the school, but I would take my work home and practically work non-stop on the weekends.  Around this time the leadership decided to switch the classroom I was in and pair me with a very different co-teacher.  While the atmosphere during the school day was vastly different, I continued to take work home with me.  If I was working I was stressed and when I wasn't working I was stressed that I wasn't accomplishing anything.  Additionally I had just started a class once a month on Saturdays through the Christian and Missionary Alliance's Metro District which seemed to be more work than college and grad school combined.  I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and yet hardly sleeping.

I learned a lot through that year.  I learned that no matter how much work gets done, there is always more to do.  I learned that if I don't take care of myself I will reach the burnout point quicker.  Most importantly, I learned that when I put God first, everything else goes much smoother.

Today I am the Reading Interventionist.  This means that I don't work with a co-teacher or have a classroom.  Instead I have an office which I share with the Special Education Coordinator.  I push in to classrooms or I pull out small groups of students who need intensive reading support.  I am given projects by the Academic Dean as well as the Principal.  While this is my dream job, I find that my time is incredibly demanding.  Students want to be in my office all the time, teachers come and find me when they have questions or need support with something, and leadership wants meetings with me to discuss the future.  I seldom have a moment to myself.  Just like last year I am also taking another class through the Christian and Missionary Alliance.  This time, instead of learning more about who God is and who I am through Christ, I am learning how to speak publicly about all God has done, and continues to do, in my life.

While life does look different on the outside, the real difference is on the inside.  I am sitting here writing this post, not because I've accomplished the myriad of things on my to-do list, but because I am confident that no matter what, God is in control.  It is only by the power of God through me that I can walk into school confident that I can help others.  It is only by the power of God through me that I know He will make a way when there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done.  It is only by the power of God through me that not only can I lead a professional development seminar for other teachers, but that I can stand in front of others and share my testimony of God's goodness, mercy, healing, and power in my life.  And it is definitely only through the power of God through me that I can leave my work at school and not bring it home with me.  While there have been some times where I do spend some time at home working on a project, this is typically when Ray isn't home.  This year I am being intentional about resting and creating healthy boundaries between work and home.

For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said, "In repentance and rest you will be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength."  Isaiah 30:15

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:6

The Career Mountain Journey

Once upon a time there was a young girl who aspired to be a 4th grade teacher in the inner city.  Looking back at that young girl I couldn't tell you why she desired to do this.  It could be that my 4th grade teacher was the first teacher to care so much about me that she reached out to my mom about my chronic absences or it could be that I was swept up in a wave of wanting to impact the world and Harlem seemed like just the place to start, or it could be because I was determined to prove my mom wrong about her theory that I'd never be able to teach, let alone in an inner city school.  Whatever the reason, that was my plan, which is why I majored in elementary education to begin with.  I never doubted that teaching was my calling from God.  Like many naive high school students I had it all planned out: go to college, student teach, get a job, get a masters degree, bask in a fulfilling career.

My journey wasn't nearly as smooth as I'd have liked and I had many setbacks. Some of the highlights of this incredible journey was substituting as a reading teacher which began my quest to also become an elementary reading specialist one day, two years of teaching pre-school, and going back to school for degrees in both literacy and special education.  These peaks were far and few between and included valleys such as spending two months as a long-term sub and then suddenly getting dismissed without so much as a thank you when a permanent teacher was found, spending 5 years as an assistant where I lost my passion and desire to pursue a teaching career, being told by my principal that she would never hire me because I was only an assistant, and going on 20 something interviews all with the same ending, and becoming entangled in my fear of driving into the city on a daily basis.

From 2008 - 2015 I lived just above the poverty line, earning less than $20,000 per year (before taxes) which did little more than cover my $1000 monthly rent.  Before I met Ray I became a vegetarian due to the high price of meat.  I often worked 2-3 jobs a day to pay my bills.  During my first year of marriage I was the only one working consistently and quickly found out that my salary wasn't going to sustain two people and it's really hard to connect with your spouse when you're running around between multiple jobs.  I was in the middle of a valley and it felt like one of those canyons Indiana Jones rode narrowly rode through in the Ark of the Covenant.

Even so, God had been subtly working in my heart.  He never forgot the desires of my 9 year old self. When I would tell friends or acquaintances my journey of struggle several recommended I look into teaching in the city.  Every single interview helped me be better prepared.  One of the blessings of Ray not being able to drive was that I was "forced" to learn how to drive into the city.  Even getting lost on the way to an interview in the worst section of the South Bronx was a blessing from God because He showed me how much He cared for me by helping me find my way and getting a parking spot near the school.

In August 2015 I applied to a charter school in the Bronx whose mission of helping "the most vulnerable children of the Bronx" stirred up a long-lost longing in my heart.  I was called for an interview with a demo lesson.  By this point I had gotten so used to needing to have a demo lesson that I didn't feel as stressed out as I used to over needing to prepare - although I do remember staying up late the night before trying to think of every possible contingency I might encounter.  The demo lesson was the same day that Ray and I had planned on going to Great Adventure, so that morning we packed everything we needed for the day and Ray came with me so that we could leave for Great Adventure right after my interview.  3 hours later I was done with my interview and for the first time ever I had a strong feeling that I would be getting a phone call with a job offer.  Sure enough, on our way down to Great Adventure, I got a call with an offer to be a 4th grade teacher!

This past year was intense.  I switched classrooms, I came early, I worked late, I worked on Saturdays.  I had a flat tire on my way to work, locked my car keys inside my car twice,drove in the snow, and sat in traffic for two hours each way.  There were days I absolutely loved my job and there were days I never wanted to go back.  No matter what, God showed up.  He renewed my passion when I felt burnt out.  He eased traffic on a Friday afternoon after a long week of commuting.  He gave my favor with not only my co-teacher, but with the 4th grade team, and the principal.  He even allowed me to have perfect attendance!

In May a survey went out asking what grade we wanted to teach the following year.  There were 3 options.  I went out on a limb and wrote down Reading Teacher.  In June my principal asked me to write out a job description for Reading Teacher since we didn't have that position.

On Monday I will be starting my new position as Reading Intervention Teacher!  Although there are many uncertainties, such as my schedule, that need to be worked out, this much I know.  I will be teaching reading throughout the entire school and I will be leading professional development on reading strategies for the other teachers in the building.  I have reached a new mountaintop peak and the view from here is amazing.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight."
Psalm 37: 4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Looking back on my journey I can say with conviction that I know these promises of God are true. Even when I forgot my own dreams and desires of my heart, God never did and He will continue to hold my dreams of Ray having a fulfilling, steady career, having a family, and Ray finding true freedom as long as I keep delighting in and trusting my Lord.