Today is one of the cloudy, cool days, that remind me why I love the fall. I have already seen some leaves changing color. Something else is changing too. Last year at this time I was stressed out to the max. I had just started a new job in the Bronx as a 4th grade teacher with a co-teacher who was not the best fit for me. Not only was I staying late at the school, but I would take my work home and practically work non-stop on the weekends. Around this time the leadership decided to switch the classroom I was in and pair me with a very different co-teacher. While the atmosphere during the school day was vastly different, I continued to take work home with me. If I was working I was stressed and when I wasn't working I was stressed that I wasn't accomplishing anything. Additionally I had just started a class once a month on Saturdays through the Christian and Missionary Alliance's Metro District which seemed to be more work than college and grad school combined. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and yet hardly sleeping.
I learned a lot through that year. I learned that no matter how much work gets done, there is always more to do. I learned that if I don't take care of myself I will reach the burnout point quicker. Most importantly, I learned that when I put God first, everything else goes much smoother.
Today I am the Reading Interventionist. This means that I don't work with a co-teacher or have a classroom. Instead I have an office which I share with the Special Education Coordinator. I push in to classrooms or I pull out small groups of students who need intensive reading support. I am given projects by the Academic Dean as well as the Principal. While this is my dream job, I find that my time is incredibly demanding. Students want to be in my office all the time, teachers come and find me when they have questions or need support with something, and leadership wants meetings with me to discuss the future. I seldom have a moment to myself. Just like last year I am also taking another class through the Christian and Missionary Alliance. This time, instead of learning more about who God is and who I am through Christ, I am learning how to speak publicly about all God has done, and continues to do, in my life.
While life does look different on the outside, the real difference is on the inside. I am sitting here writing this post, not because I've accomplished the myriad of things on my to-do list, but because I am confident that no matter what, God is in control. It is only by the power of God through me that I can walk into school confident that I can help others. It is only by the power of God through me that I know He will make a way when there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. It is only by the power of God through me that not only can I lead a professional development seminar for other teachers, but that I can stand in front of others and share my testimony of God's goodness, mercy, healing, and power in my life. And it is definitely only through the power of God through me that I can leave my work at school and not bring it home with me. While there have been some times where I do spend some time at home working on a project, this is typically when Ray isn't home. This year I am being intentional about resting and creating healthy boundaries between work and home.
For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said, "In repentance and rest you will be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Saturday, August 13, 2016
The Career Mountain Journey
Once upon a time there was a young girl who aspired to be a 4th grade teacher in the inner city. Looking back at that young girl I couldn't tell you why she desired to do this. It could be that my 4th grade teacher was the first teacher to care so much about me that she reached out to my mom about my chronic absences or it could be that I was swept up in a wave of wanting to impact the world and Harlem seemed like just the place to start, or it could be because I was determined to prove my mom wrong about her theory that I'd never be able to teach, let alone in an inner city school. Whatever the reason, that was my plan, which is why I majored in elementary education to begin with. I never doubted that teaching was my calling from God. Like many naive high school students I had it all planned out: go to college, student teach, get a job, get a masters degree, bask in a fulfilling career.
My journey wasn't nearly as smooth as I'd have liked and I had many setbacks. Some of the highlights of this incredible journey was substituting as a reading teacher which began my quest to also become an elementary reading specialist one day, two years of teaching pre-school, and going back to school for degrees in both literacy and special education. These peaks were far and few between and included valleys such as spending two months as a long-term sub and then suddenly getting dismissed without so much as a thank you when a permanent teacher was found, spending 5 years as an assistant where I lost my passion and desire to pursue a teaching career, being told by my principal that she would never hire me because I was only an assistant, and going on 20 something interviews all with the same ending, and becoming entangled in my fear of driving into the city on a daily basis.
From 2008 - 2015 I lived just above the poverty line, earning less than $20,000 per year (before taxes) which did little more than cover my $1000 monthly rent. Before I met Ray I became a vegetarian due to the high price of meat. I often worked 2-3 jobs a day to pay my bills. During my first year of marriage I was the only one working consistently and quickly found out that my salary wasn't going to sustain two people and it's really hard to connect with your spouse when you're running around between multiple jobs. I was in the middle of a valley and it felt like one of those canyons Indiana Jones rode narrowly rode through in the Ark of the Covenant.
Even so, God had been subtly working in my heart. He never forgot the desires of my 9 year old self. When I would tell friends or acquaintances my journey of struggle several recommended I look into teaching in the city. Every single interview helped me be better prepared. One of the blessings of Ray not being able to drive was that I was "forced" to learn how to drive into the city. Even getting lost on the way to an interview in the worst section of the South Bronx was a blessing from God because He showed me how much He cared for me by helping me find my way and getting a parking spot near the school.
In August 2015 I applied to a charter school in the Bronx whose mission of helping "the most vulnerable children of the Bronx" stirred up a long-lost longing in my heart. I was called for an interview with a demo lesson. By this point I had gotten so used to needing to have a demo lesson that I didn't feel as stressed out as I used to over needing to prepare - although I do remember staying up late the night before trying to think of every possible contingency I might encounter. The demo lesson was the same day that Ray and I had planned on going to Great Adventure, so that morning we packed everything we needed for the day and Ray came with me so that we could leave for Great Adventure right after my interview. 3 hours later I was done with my interview and for the first time ever I had a strong feeling that I would be getting a phone call with a job offer. Sure enough, on our way down to Great Adventure, I got a call with an offer to be a 4th grade teacher!
This past year was intense. I switched classrooms, I came early, I worked late, I worked on Saturdays. I had a flat tire on my way to work, locked my car keys inside my car twice,drove in the snow, and sat in traffic for two hours each way. There were days I absolutely loved my job and there were days I never wanted to go back. No matter what, God showed up. He renewed my passion when I felt burnt out. He eased traffic on a Friday afternoon after a long week of commuting. He gave my favor with not only my co-teacher, but with the 4th grade team, and the principal. He even allowed me to have perfect attendance!
In May a survey went out asking what grade we wanted to teach the following year. There were 3 options. I went out on a limb and wrote down Reading Teacher. In June my principal asked me to write out a job description for Reading Teacher since we didn't have that position.
On Monday I will be starting my new position as Reading Intervention Teacher! Although there are many uncertainties, such as my schedule, that need to be worked out, this much I know. I will be teaching reading throughout the entire school and I will be leading professional development on reading strategies for the other teachers in the building. I have reached a new mountaintop peak and the view from here is amazing.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight."
Psalm 37: 4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Looking back on my journey I can say with conviction that I know these promises of God are true. Even when I forgot my own dreams and desires of my heart, God never did and He will continue to hold my dreams of Ray having a fulfilling, steady career, having a family, and Ray finding true freedom as long as I keep delighting in and trusting my Lord.
My journey wasn't nearly as smooth as I'd have liked and I had many setbacks. Some of the highlights of this incredible journey was substituting as a reading teacher which began my quest to also become an elementary reading specialist one day, two years of teaching pre-school, and going back to school for degrees in both literacy and special education. These peaks were far and few between and included valleys such as spending two months as a long-term sub and then suddenly getting dismissed without so much as a thank you when a permanent teacher was found, spending 5 years as an assistant where I lost my passion and desire to pursue a teaching career, being told by my principal that she would never hire me because I was only an assistant, and going on 20 something interviews all with the same ending, and becoming entangled in my fear of driving into the city on a daily basis.
From 2008 - 2015 I lived just above the poverty line, earning less than $20,000 per year (before taxes) which did little more than cover my $1000 monthly rent. Before I met Ray I became a vegetarian due to the high price of meat. I often worked 2-3 jobs a day to pay my bills. During my first year of marriage I was the only one working consistently and quickly found out that my salary wasn't going to sustain two people and it's really hard to connect with your spouse when you're running around between multiple jobs. I was in the middle of a valley and it felt like one of those canyons Indiana Jones rode narrowly rode through in the Ark of the Covenant.
Even so, God had been subtly working in my heart. He never forgot the desires of my 9 year old self. When I would tell friends or acquaintances my journey of struggle several recommended I look into teaching in the city. Every single interview helped me be better prepared. One of the blessings of Ray not being able to drive was that I was "forced" to learn how to drive into the city. Even getting lost on the way to an interview in the worst section of the South Bronx was a blessing from God because He showed me how much He cared for me by helping me find my way and getting a parking spot near the school. In August 2015 I applied to a charter school in the Bronx whose mission of helping "the most vulnerable children of the Bronx" stirred up a long-lost longing in my heart. I was called for an interview with a demo lesson. By this point I had gotten so used to needing to have a demo lesson that I didn't feel as stressed out as I used to over needing to prepare - although I do remember staying up late the night before trying to think of every possible contingency I might encounter. The demo lesson was the same day that Ray and I had planned on going to Great Adventure, so that morning we packed everything we needed for the day and Ray came with me so that we could leave for Great Adventure right after my interview. 3 hours later I was done with my interview and for the first time ever I had a strong feeling that I would be getting a phone call with a job offer. Sure enough, on our way down to Great Adventure, I got a call with an offer to be a 4th grade teacher!
This past year was intense. I switched classrooms, I came early, I worked late, I worked on Saturdays. I had a flat tire on my way to work, locked my car keys inside my car twice,drove in the snow, and sat in traffic for two hours each way. There were days I absolutely loved my job and there were days I never wanted to go back. No matter what, God showed up. He renewed my passion when I felt burnt out. He eased traffic on a Friday afternoon after a long week of commuting. He gave my favor with not only my co-teacher, but with the 4th grade team, and the principal. He even allowed me to have perfect attendance!
In May a survey went out asking what grade we wanted to teach the following year. There were 3 options. I went out on a limb and wrote down Reading Teacher. In June my principal asked me to write out a job description for Reading Teacher since we didn't have that position.
On Monday I will be starting my new position as Reading Intervention Teacher! Although there are many uncertainties, such as my schedule, that need to be worked out, this much I know. I will be teaching reading throughout the entire school and I will be leading professional development on reading strategies for the other teachers in the building. I have reached a new mountaintop peak and the view from here is amazing.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight."
Psalm 37: 4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Looking back on my journey I can say with conviction that I know these promises of God are true. Even when I forgot my own dreams and desires of my heart, God never did and He will continue to hold my dreams of Ray having a fulfilling, steady career, having a family, and Ray finding true freedom as long as I keep delighting in and trusting my Lord.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Mountain Climbing
Change is like my backyard...it seems to be incredibly slow and most of the time it doesn't look much different than the previous day. Truth be told, actually some days it looked worse than the previous day. That is until almost two years later you look back and think...wait, did the backyard really used to look like THAT?!?!
Today I find myself re-reading a post I wrote about a year ago and thinking to myself "Was my life really like THAT?"
To recap, a year ago...
I was an assistant teacher living paycheck to paycheck without any summer income.
Was stressed out by my husband's behavior, admission of sin in our marriage, and lack of a steady job.
Was contemplating starting an intensive spiritual course through my church and Alliance Theological Seminary.
Was getting ready to host a birthday party for Ray even though our marriage was rocky and our finances dismal, at best.
Had no idea my mom had a brain tumor although I knew something was very wrong with her health.
Was getting ready to say good bye to a dear friend as she moved to Florida.
Still struggling with my diagnosis of infertility, all the while grateful that we never had children because of the poor state our marriage was in.
Those days were long and hard. I hated the nights where I was up fretting and trying to spy on my husband who had decided that barricading himself inside his office downstairs until the early hours of the next morning was better than spending time with me. It was a pattern I grew to hate. Shortly after dinner he would retreat to his man-cave and would only resurface for coffee. Sometimes he would surface when we watched movies. I was never allowed inside his man-cave. When I would say good-night he would stand in the doorway, kiss me, and walk away.
Depressing and lonely.
On the bright side, Ray agreed to go to Christian counseling with me. We'd continue to fight, but this time we had some tools to work with.
I spent my summer days searching for teaching jobs. In late August I found one in the Bronx where the mission of the school resonated with me. I applied and shortly got called for an interview, which resulted in an offer to teach 4th grade! While this new adventure excited me, it also scared me because I wasn't sure how this job would impact my marriage.
Fast forward 10 months....
I completed an amazing first year of teaching with perfect attendance and was promoted to Reading Interventionist!
My marriage is stronger than ever. In fact, Ray hasn't gone into his man-cave after dinner since I started teaching. Even though he still hasn't found steady work, he seems less stressed and actually enjoys spending time with me.
I completed my first year of Empower, which was by far the most work I've ever had to complete in either college or graduate school!
Helped to support my family when my mom found out she had a benign brain tumor followed by two surgeries.
Am considering becoming a foster parent.
I don't write this to boast about my own abilities to create this new life that I have. There were many days where I wanted to quit, where the negative thoughts ran loudly through my mind, where I saw only failure instead of progress.
BUT GOD!
God has extended his grace and brought us to this point of peace and rest. God has given me great favor at my school with not only co-workers but with administration as well. God gave me the strength I needed to make it to work everyday, to take on teaching the entire class when my co-teacher called out, to create lesson plans on the weekends in addition to going to class once a month and writing numerous papers. Even when I wasn't able to turn in all of my papers on time, God still gave me the ability to persevere and the grace of extended deadlines so that I could actually graduate Empower in one year instead of two. Despite all of the complications with my mom's tumor, I could see God working.
I feel as though I've climbed a mountain and have reached a peak. As I look back on these past 10 months I can only stand in awe and say "Great is Thy faithfulness!" I don't know what the journey to my next mountain holds in store, but for now I'm going to rest before I embark.
our backyard 2 years ago
our backyard today
Today I find myself re-reading a post I wrote about a year ago and thinking to myself "Was my life really like THAT?"
To recap, a year ago...
I was an assistant teacher living paycheck to paycheck without any summer income.
Was stressed out by my husband's behavior, admission of sin in our marriage, and lack of a steady job.
Was contemplating starting an intensive spiritual course through my church and Alliance Theological Seminary.
Was getting ready to host a birthday party for Ray even though our marriage was rocky and our finances dismal, at best.
Had no idea my mom had a brain tumor although I knew something was very wrong with her health.
Was getting ready to say good bye to a dear friend as she moved to Florida.
Still struggling with my diagnosis of infertility, all the while grateful that we never had children because of the poor state our marriage was in.
Those days were long and hard. I hated the nights where I was up fretting and trying to spy on my husband who had decided that barricading himself inside his office downstairs until the early hours of the next morning was better than spending time with me. It was a pattern I grew to hate. Shortly after dinner he would retreat to his man-cave and would only resurface for coffee. Sometimes he would surface when we watched movies. I was never allowed inside his man-cave. When I would say good-night he would stand in the doorway, kiss me, and walk away.
Depressing and lonely.
On the bright side, Ray agreed to go to Christian counseling with me. We'd continue to fight, but this time we had some tools to work with.
I spent my summer days searching for teaching jobs. In late August I found one in the Bronx where the mission of the school resonated with me. I applied and shortly got called for an interview, which resulted in an offer to teach 4th grade! While this new adventure excited me, it also scared me because I wasn't sure how this job would impact my marriage.
Fast forward 10 months....
I completed an amazing first year of teaching with perfect attendance and was promoted to Reading Interventionist!
My marriage is stronger than ever. In fact, Ray hasn't gone into his man-cave after dinner since I started teaching. Even though he still hasn't found steady work, he seems less stressed and actually enjoys spending time with me.
I completed my first year of Empower, which was by far the most work I've ever had to complete in either college or graduate school!
Helped to support my family when my mom found out she had a benign brain tumor followed by two surgeries.
Am considering becoming a foster parent.
I don't write this to boast about my own abilities to create this new life that I have. There were many days where I wanted to quit, where the negative thoughts ran loudly through my mind, where I saw only failure instead of progress.
BUT GOD!
God has extended his grace and brought us to this point of peace and rest. God has given me great favor at my school with not only co-workers but with administration as well. God gave me the strength I needed to make it to work everyday, to take on teaching the entire class when my co-teacher called out, to create lesson plans on the weekends in addition to going to class once a month and writing numerous papers. Even when I wasn't able to turn in all of my papers on time, God still gave me the ability to persevere and the grace of extended deadlines so that I could actually graduate Empower in one year instead of two. Despite all of the complications with my mom's tumor, I could see God working.
I feel as though I've climbed a mountain and have reached a peak. As I look back on these past 10 months I can only stand in awe and say "Great is Thy faithfulness!" I don't know what the journey to my next mountain holds in store, but for now I'm going to rest before I embark.
our backyard 2 years ago
our backyard today
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