Things I'm Thankful For Today

Today the class was incredibly calm and relaxed.  The one temper tantrum that did happen was very mild compared to what it could have been.  After enduring a month of non-stop horrific temper tantrums, it was a welcomed breath of fresh air.

The boys I babysit were extremely cooperative.  I even got to play a board game with the 1st grader.  I can't remember the last time he ever wanted to play anything with me.  Normally by the time he comes home from school he's in a bad mood and only wants to fight with his brother.

I was productive with my chores at home.

I cooked chicken and it didn't come out raw/bloody.  Unfortunately the raw/bloody outcomes happen more often than I'd like.

My car still runs :).  Next week I have an appointment with my mechanic to check out all of the warning lights that have been coming on.

I'm still healthy!  So far I haven't succumbed to the stomach flu.

My checking account still has money in it...for now :).

My apartment is warm.

My cats are healthy.  Jekyll had a bad fever/virus last month.

Reflections on Sandy

Outside my bedroom window.  It's hard to see, but you may notice the tree trunk going through part of the fence,

Tree in my driveway.

One of the trees that fell on my neighbor's house.

House down the block.

The tree that closed part of my road.  Unfortunately there's usually no signs indicating a closed road until you practically hit a tree.

I've been reflecting on this past week.  It's been unusual, that's for sure.  I hardly had to go to work, roads that I used be able to drive on were closed, traffic lights didn't work, I didn't have electric or internet, and finding gas felt like I was going on a treasure hunt.

Things I'm Thankful For

I still have my apartment and my car; my family on Staten Island is doing ok despite the lack of power; I got a much needed break from work; my power was restored after only 4 days; even without power I could still take a hot shower; there were places that provided free coffee and internet; I had filled up my tank right before the storm hit so I didn't actually need gas until Sat; and it wasn't too cold at night.

Things I Regret

Freaking out about not having any power.  I've never been a fan of the dark or the unknown, so the thought of sitting alone in my dark apartment reading by a flashlight, not knowing when things were going to get back to "normal" got old very quickly.  The first two nights weren't so bad because my landlady and her family were downstairs.  Although we don't really get along, the thought that someone else was in the house offered some comfort.  The next two nights I didn't hear anyone until they came home @4am.  Ray wasn't as sympathetic as I would have liked during this time, so by Thurs night I was on the verge of a meltdown.  In the grand scheme of things, not having electric was the least of anyone's problems.

Things I Learned

Next time I will try to have a better attitude about not having electricity.  I also learned to keep my dairy products in the freezer so that they may last longer.  I'm hoping that by the time the next storm comes I'll be able to afford some battery powered lanterns and a battery powered am radio.  Maybe next time I'll also try to divide my time better.  Only relying on Ray's family can be draining for everyone.

From Chaos to Calmness

Working in a special needs classroom has its challenges.  Working with a nonverbal autistic child who is not happy can be overwhelmingly frustrating.  This past Tues and Wed, J. had major meltdowns at lunch and when I say major meltdown I mean that one moment he seems fine and the next he's jumping up and down, screaming, and trying to scratch and bite anyone who's around.  Now I am very familiar with handling one of J's meltdown in the classroom.  Usually I know exactly why he's melting down and can get him away from people and calmed down after several LONG minutes.  A meltdown in the cafeteria is harder to deal with because the space is significantly larger, there are far more people around, and the other assistant I was working with doesn't have a clue as to how to handle these situation.  In these sorts of situations my two main goals is to keep everyone close to J as safe as possible and to get Kerri (his teacher for the past 4 years).  I knew we were in trouble when J went to bite Kerri several times on Wed.  During the past 3 years I have NEVER seen him try to bite her as she's pretty much his second mom.  Even Kerri didn't know what was wrong with J.

By the end of Wed I was more than exhausted.  As soon as I got in my car after school the tears started.  I felt completely hopeless and I really didn't want to go to work the next day.  In fact, I wasn't even sure I wanted to continue working with kids.  It was just one of those days.  I started praying - praying for clarity, for J to be calm, cooperative, and peaceful, for continued protection, and for a renewed passion.

Thursday morning J came into school calmly and things seemed to going as smoothly as possible.  I went to lunch and when I came back it was recess time for the kids.  I learned that while I was gone J had another tantrum.  As we were coming in from recess one of the assistants noticed that J had blood smeared on his cheek.  At first we thought that maybe during his tantrum he had injured himself.  After further inspection we realized that J had lost a tooth.  The loose tooth was what had been bothering him all along.  He had been trying to tell us by occasionally putting our hands on his cheek and his meltdowns were always after he ate something hard or chewy.  Unfortunately we don't always connect the dots :(.

For the remainder of Thursday, both J and I were ecstatic!  In fact, J was even able to mimic "Oh yeah!" in the exact pitch and tone that the OT used.  By the end of Thursday, all of my prayers had been answered :).

Notable News

It's been a month since my last post because, quite honestly, I've been too tired to construct sentences.  I'm not even sure how to describe my life right now - it's far from dull, that's for sure!  Yesterday we had a ton of rain, which meant that Thursday was unofficially labeled Temper Tantrum Thursday due to pretty much every student losing it at some point during the day.  In case you're wondering, the day before a major storm brings barometric changes which seems to affect autistic children more than others.  Thankfully only one child had a tantrum in which he flipped a table over.  Not a desk, mind you, but one of those round tables where five of six students can work at.  Yep, it was that sort of a day.  Thankfully no one was hurt.

Anyway....I have some great news to announce!!!  The first is that this week I finished paying off the last of my credit card debt.  I started accumulating credit card debt shortly after leaving HeadStart in the summer of 2008.  I think at its max, I was @$2,500 in debt.  This may not sound like alot, but when you are maybe making $1500 a month ($950/975 of which is rent), paying off a credit card seems impossible.  God, however, can overcome the impossible.  Over the past 4 years He has shown me how to come up with a plausible monthly plan for paying off the debt, given me the opportunity to transfer my balance to 0% interest cards, and provided extra funds in order to pay off the balance faster.  I am very happy to not have this burden anymore and look forward to hopefully put the money that I've been using for payments into my savings account.

The second announcement is that my brother got engaged this week :).  The wedding will be sometime next June in the Baltimore area.

Another School Year Begins...

I thought I was going to be working with the same teacher and assistants this year but have different students.  Instead I have the same students, but I'm working with a different teacher and assistants. The change was made because our nonverbal autistic student needs a one to one aide and apparently I was chosen for this task. It was a rather stressful transition.  I like the people I'm working with, but they're very different than what I'm used to.  Since the students are now in 2nd and 3rd grade we're focusing more on academics and less on social skills. This was hard because the students really need the social skills component and my nonverbal student isn't capable of academic work.  Instead he needs to focus on learning how to communicate via an ipad and we still need to try and reinforce as much speech as we possibly can.  We worked on getting him to say "eat" last year.  He sometimes remembers how to do that.  He also remembers how to make the sound of "m" when asking for milk.  Thankfully with some adjustments to the schedule and curriculum things are going smoother this week.  My student and I can also go back to the other class whenever he needs a sensory break and I just need a few moments of sanity :).

BTW, when I mean sanity I mean going and seeing the new autistic student we have who screams in the presence of loud noises, will randomly stand up with his pencil to "practice his golf swing", finishes his work by saying "Thanks for playing! Come again next time!", and who has literally thrown himself on my lap to giggle hysterically into my neck when he sees something funny on the computer screen.  He keeps me laughing, that's for sure!

The Chair

Most Thursday nights you will find me at small group Bible study.  A few weeks ago we were at one of our leaders' apartments.  We were just sitting around and talking when all of a sudden the chair that one of the guys had been sitting on just collapsed from under him and he fell to the floor.  This guy didn't have a weight problem and hadn't been doing anything unusual with the chair so it was a mystery as to why the chair just broke apart.  The guys were going to throw it out but I convinced them to let me take it with to show Ray.  I figured if anyone could put the chair back together he could - and he did.

After inspecting the broken chair pieces, Ray determined that the chair had been broken once before and that whoever had put it back together the first time had drilled screws into the wood.  It seemed like a good temporary solution, however, what actually happened was that the screws weakened the wood.  It was only a matter of time before the wooden legs gave away again.

This made me think:  How many times have I been broken and tried to fill the hole in my heart with something that seemed good but were only temporary solutions such as alcohol, tranquilizers, and sex.  Sure, I seemed fine on the outside but my inside was crumbling and it was only a matter of time before I broke down again.  The only permanent solution to filling that hole was by turning to Christ, repenting, and remaining focused on Him.  This doesn't mean that I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it does mean that when I fail or when life seems hopelessly overwhelming that I can focus on Christ and be strengthened by Him.  I may bend, but HE will NEVER let me be broken beyond repair.  After all, HE's the master carpenter!

"A bruised reed He will not break,
And smoking flax He will not quench;"

Isaiah 42:3

"He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake."

Psalm 23:3

Why I Still Don't Feel Like a Grown-Up

I seem to have too much time to think.  I guess that's what happens when you're not working much.  Anyway, lately I've been feeling more like a child and less like an adult.  Maybe when I go back to my insane schedule I'll feel like a grown-up again, or at the very least I won't have as much time to think about it! :)

Signs I haven't grown up yet:

- I can sleep in until noon on a Saturday.
- I need my parents' financial support to help pay my bills.
- I still own some of my clothes from high school and can still fit into them.
- If I'm "cooking" for myself chances are I'm eating spaghetti and meatballs.
- If I don't feel like "cooking" chances are I'm eating Chef Boyadee from a can, mac and cheese, soup, or                    
  some sort of frozen dinner.
- I can eat chocolate whenever I want and not have to share.
- I can come home whenever I want to, although if it's after 10pm I usually feel the need to sneak in so that
  I don't wake up my landlady.
- Some days I don't make the bed until the middle of the afternoon.
- I'm still not confident in my curling iron skills or makeup application.  Honestly, if I'm not attending a  
  wedding, chances are I'm not bothering with makeup.
- I still hear the phrases "Can I call you back?  I need to pay the babysitter."  and "Are you going to get your
  degree so you can be a teacher?"
- I'm still scared of the dark, although I've made progress in this area.  I'm not terrified of it anymore :).

The Cooking Miracle

I will be the first one to admit that I don't cook.  While I have been known to actually follow a cooking recipe, the process of cooking is highly stressful.  For example, the first time I made lasagna I remember having to turn the oven off at one point and go back to the store because I realized that I hadn't brought enough of the ingredients that I needed.  When I did cook dinner for myself it usually revolved around chicken....sometimes it was overcooked and sometimes (like the night I invited a friend over for dinner ) it wasn't quite done enough.  Yeah, it's rather embarrassing to have your meal on the plate and start cutting your chicken only to find it still very pink.  Thank goodness for side dishes to start on while you wait for the main dish to be edible!

I also have this need to have to follow the recipe when cooking.  Now I realize that to people who actually enjoy cooking that following a recipe is cheating.  Perhaps this is why I'm such a good baker.  Afterall, you absolutely need to follow those recipes.  It always amazes me to watch Ray cook because he rarely knows what he's going to cook beforehand.  He just buys some meat (he doesn't really care for chicken), throws some spices on it (always a different combo, mind you) and uses whatever other food is around to come up with a creative side dish.  It always tastes amazing!

For some inexplicable reason I found myself buying chicken this week.  I hadn't a clue what I was going to do with it.  Last night, though, I decided that I would break out of my mold of following a recipe.  Ok, in reality any recipe that I had required ingredients not in my apartment and I didn't feel like going to the store to get them.  This predicament forced me to use my creative powers.  I had some Italian breading and a variety of spices.  I decided to throw some breading in a ziplock bag along with oregano, basil, and adobo.  Notice the word throw....I resisted the urge to use some sort of measuring device.  I coated the chicken with egg and then put the chicken in the bag, shook it up, and baked it.

The end result?  I actually managed to cook the chicken, mashed potatoes (from a box), and frozen broccoli all at the same time without having one completely done a half hour before the others.  The chicken was cooked perfectly - white and moist - and tasted delicious!  It was a sheer cooking miracle!

Yep, I still get excited about the little things in life :).

Thoughts on Being Perfect

I had one of those days last week.  You know - the kind of day where everything from getting gas to cooking dinner seems to take forever and you're late for everything and you feel like nothing you do is right? That kind of day.  There is nothing quite like driving down the road and seeing the bus (which had arrived at least 10 minutes earlier than usual) start pulling away while you realize that you have no idea where the boys you are supposed to be picking up are.  Thankfully a very caring mom of one of the other campers had them and everyone was waiting anxiously for me to arrive.  SIGH.  And that was the way the rest of the afternoon and evening went.

Days like this usually send my mind spiraling down with thoughts of what a horrible, messed up person I am. Not that those thoughts ever help the situation.  Usually all they do is stress me out even more.  Last week was a little different though.  Yes, those thoughts still entered my mind and I did beat myself up a little, however, later that night I read a book - a children's book, mind you - about being perfect.  I don't know if you've ever read How to be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days! by Steven Manes, but Ray had recommended it to me and it would be fitting that I would be getting around to reading it on this particular night.

Spoiler alert: In case you really, really, want to read the book for yourself first, it's probably best not to continue reading this post until you're done reading the book.  

We meet the main character at the beginning of the story in a library.  He's tired of always messing things up and disappointing his parents.  As luck would have it, a book practically jumps out at him boasting about how reading it will make one a perfect person in only 3 days.  On the first day, the reader is instructed to wear a crown of broccoli around their necks for an entire day.  On the second day the reader is instructed to not eat or drink anything (except water or weak tea) for the entire day.  Finally, on the last day, the reader is instructed to sit perfectly still and do absolutely nothing.

In case you're wondering, the point of wearing the broccoli was to get the reader over the fear of being publically ridiculed for their actions and the point of not eating, drinking, or doing anything over the next two days was to make the reader understand that in order to be absolutely perfect, you couldn't possibly live any sort of meaningful life.  The conclusion?  A perfect person is boring and no one wants to be around a boring person.

No, I'm not a perfect person.  I often joke that I wear mostly black clothes so that you don't see the coffee and/or chocolate stains, but seriously....it's true!  :D I'm sometimes late for appointments; sometimes I forget things altogether.  I'm sure my posts contain some sort of grammatical/spelling errors and I often don't have the nicest thoughts or words.  I could probably go on...but you get the drift.

That's why it's so important to me that on the days in which my imperfection is more noticeable than others that I remember God's amazing and awesome grace, repent, forgive myself, and move on.  

In the words of Anne of Green Gables "Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it."  And in the words of Paul

"....He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;..."
                               Philippians 1:6

"Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, ²¹ so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
                       Romans 5:20

Bathroom Renovations

Last July I moved into my current apartment.  Two days before I started moving my possessions in I had a conversation with my landlady about the bathroom.  It seems there had been a leak in the bathroom sink and the plumber had come to fix it.  I thought this was good until I realized that the cold water would barely come out when I turned on the sink.  Simple tasks like washing my hands and face became challenging as burning hot water would start coming out of the sink after a couple of minutes.

Last December the plumber came again because there was a leak in my landlady's bathroom which apparently came from my shower.  It seems that the shower needs to be caulked (actually ALOT more needs to be done with it, but that'll be another story I'm sure).  While the plumber was there I asked if he could take a look at the sink.  His suggestion was to get a new faucet.  Now I haven't seen the plumber since, but my landlady did buy a new faucet, which she kept in her house until I asked on June 30th if she'd allow Ray to install it.  By this time Ray and I were both very tired of getting our hands burnt.

Beginning the process.  The bolts on the sink were so rusted over that Ray had to cut them off.  The sink stayed this way for a day or two.   

The workspace that Ray had.  Now, to give you some perspective, the door opens inwards and Ray is over 6 feet tall.  He had to crawl under the sink cabinets and the floor space is probably only 3-4 feet long.  This was definitely an act of love.

Finally the bolts are off!   Guess what....when Ray was cleaning a bunch of gunk out of the cold water pipe it turned out that a screw (probably from the plumber that came to fix the sink last year) fell into the pipe and was keeping the cold water from coming out.

Yay for a new faucet and drain! 

Oh, did I mention that the pipe underneath the sink was so old that when Ray went to remove the sink the pipe actually started crumbling in his hand?!?  Yep, so he ended up replacing the piping too....with the help of some very good friends who have lots of plumbing experience.

Summer To Do List:


- wake up @9am
- take my time reading devotionals, news articles, favorite blogs, and facebook updates
- clean and organize various aspects of my apartment
- visit and/or call friends and catch up on life
- live without a working bathroom sink while it's undergoing repairs
- eat ice cream on a somewhat daily basis
- write
- go to bed @1am

These are the things that most of my days consist of.  Last summer was a whirlwind of activity as I worked, moved, unpacked, and went on dates with Ray.  This summer seems like the complete opposite.  July hasn't provided much work outside taking care of the boys and while I make decent money doing that, it isn't quite enough (hence why I have a 2nd job) and so I find myself once again holding my breath while I wait to see how God will provide the rent due next week.

This post isn't meant as a means of whining though.  Yes, my life has significantly slowed down and funds are low.  Yes, there are times when I'm bored out of my mind.  Yes, there are times when I berate myself for how unmotivated I feel like being.  However, through this time I am learning the value of slowing life down and being content with what I've been given.  I'm learning how to be refreshed.   After all, it will be all too soon that my days will start early, settle into a chaotic rhythm, and end late; when I'll have difficulty finding time to do the dishes or too tired to put a coherent sentence together and I'll long for these days that I once deemed "boring".

Not Yet - The Teacup Parable

Ray heard this story recently and retold it to me.  Sure enough, I googled the above title and found the following passage.  It seems to be a rather well-known story illustrating why God allows us to go through trials, yet I had never heard it before.  The rendition I was told was slightly different from the original version that you can find on the internet.  In this version the teacup is talking to a lump of clay instead of a couple on their 25th wedding anniversary and the intention is to illustrate the difference between basic faith and a willingness to let God, the Master Potter, work on us as we live out our faith.  I hope it inspires you as much as it did me.

There was once a lump of clay and a beautiful teacup.  The teacup was admired by many people for her beauty.  The lump of clay longed to be like the teacup.  She sighed and said "I wish I could be admired and loved like you!"
“I haven’t always been like this,” the teacup said.

“There was a time when I was a hard, ugly lump of gray clay. No one wanted me….except the Master Potter. One day, He picked me up and began to work me in His strong hands, molding me, pounding me, and rolling me in His grip.

I cried out, ‘Stop that! It hurts! It is too painful! Leave me alone!’

The Master Potter smiled gently and simply said, ‘Not yet.’

Then He put me on a wheel where I began to spin and spin and spin. I felt sick. I felt dizzy. I wanted to slow down. I wanted to get off! All the while as He spun me, He continued to shape me and mold me. I screamed, ‘Let me get off! Stop! Stop!”

But, the Master Potter just smiled and said, ‘Not yet.’

Finally, He took me off of the wheel. As I was admiring my new shape, the Master Potter scooped me up and put me in a large furnace. This oven was hotter than I could have ever imagined. I began screaming!

Help me! I am going to die! I can’t take it! Don’t you love me? I can’t survive this! Get me out!’

But, the Potter just watched through the glass. I saw Him kindly say, ‘Not yet.’

Just when I thought I would be destroyed from the heat, the Master Potter took me out of the furnace. I was relieved until He began to paint me. The paint was horrible. I began to choke on the terrible smelling fumes.

I cried out to the Master, ‘Please, please, please stop!’

He smiled gently and said, ‘Not yet.” And then, He put me BACK INTO THE FIRE!

This second firing was twice as hot as the first. I was certain that I would be destroyed in the heat.

I gasped, “Please let me out!”

The Master Potter simply said, ‘Not yet.’

After what seemed to be eternity, the Master took me out of the furnace and put me on a shelf to cool. It seemed like I waited and waited and waited for an eternity. It was then that I caught a glimpse of myself reflecting in a mirror.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe how much I had changed.

I was completely new. I was a totally new creation, looking nothing like I did in the beginning. The Master had transformed me. When I was a lump of clay, no one except the Potter would even give me a second glance. Now, after the pounding, the molding, the shaping, the spinning, the heating, the painting, and the waiting, I have become a beautiful, priceless treasure, sought after and desired by many.

I remember that as the Potter gingerly picked me up, He whispered, ‘Now you are what I had in mind when I first began you.’

I knew that I am a treasured possession.”
"Do you still want to become a beautiful teacup?" said the teacup to the lump of clay.

Author Unknown

Oh the Conversations I Have.....

I started watching Jeremy and his brother Justin when they were 7 and 3 years old, respectfully.  I mostly conversed with Jeremy while driving to his many appointments. Ok, so it was primarily Jeremy talking and me nodding my head or occasionally saying things such as "I see" or "cool".   Usually these revolved around him perseverating about a past event or a recitation of baseball stats (usually those of the Yankees) or football stats (he's a Jets fan) depending on the season we were in.  Justin often talked to me about what he was learning at daycare or an episode of the PowerPuff Girls.  Ah, those were the days.......

Now Jeremy is 10 years old and Justin is 6.  While sitting down with Justin during his snack he told me "you shouldn't have some alcohol and then drive.  My camp counselor's son was killed on his motocycle by someone who was drinking and driving."  Thus began a conversation about drinking and driving.  Later, while driving Jeremy to his OT appointment he asked me "What does groping mean?"  When I asked him where he had heard that term he told me that on the news last night it said the police were looking for a teenage boy accused of groping a girl.  Good grief.  On the plus side, it gave me the opportunity to explain why it's really, really important to keep our hands to ourselves (something that has been an issue lately).  Later I got the run-down on which rap stars went to prison and why followed by how various actors and musicians have died or been killed.  As boring as they were at the time, some days I really do miss hearing baseball and football stats.

The last few months have been filled with discussions about why God allows people to have disabilities such as Autism and Touretts Syndrome, along with the importance of not allowing our emotions to control our actions.  Lately all of these conversations have brought to my mind the verse in the Bible talking about how we need to have a ready answer for everyone who asks.  Not that all of my conversations with the boys discuss my faith (although occasionally they do) but they do make it even more apparant to me how my words impact others.  Especially since Jeremy has an uncanny ability to repeat verbatim what I said months later.  More importantly though, I need to make sure that my actions are consistent with my words. 

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.  Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

Colossians 4:5-6

Taking the Plunge

I always thought it was cool that Peter walked on water to get to Jesus, but I now have a new appreciation for how hard that must have been considering the effort it took for Ray and my friends to coax me into jumping off of a divingboard into the water.  To help you understand the significance of this event, let me give you some history.

My first memory of the water is being around 3 or 4 and sitting on the dock completely terrified of the lake we were vacationing at.  I'm not exactly sure why I was terrified or have been fearful of the water ever since.  It's not like I suffered some traumatic event, but I was never really comfortable being in water.  In fact, many of my nightmares revolve around my house/apartment being flooded by a surging river or some horrific storm and me trying to escape from drowning.
While I was growing up we always stayed at motels with swimming pools.  My dad tried to teach me how to swim, but my anxiety prevented me from doing much more than clinging to the side of the pool with floatation devices around my arms.  When I was 17 I actually did learn how to swim.  Don't ask me how I did it.  I do remember going out to a lake with my grandparents' friends and their granddaughter and somehow I remember leaving confident that I could swim.  Well, I could move my arms, kick my feet, and stay above water, but I couldn't go underwater....forget about jumping into a pool.  Still, I really enjoyed swimming and during the summer inbetween my junior and senior year of college I would go to the community college's pool almost everyday and swim laps for an hour.

Fast forward about ten years later.  Ray and I were visiting friends.  They have a really nice pool with a diving board.  Everyone was jumping in, but I waded in.  When I was asked about why I didn't just jump in I admitted that I had never jumped in and that I was afraid of jumping in.  They didn't push me.  That was last summer.  This summer I had made up my mind that I was going to jump in their pool.  I didn't tell anyone my resolve, even Ray.  Nevertheless, the issue came up again this past weekend about why I never jump in.  Unlike last summer, it was just Ray, our friends, and me.  A totally safe enviornment for me to try jumping in.  Oh....did I mention that Ray spent his summer as a lifeguard????  If you're going to jump into a pool for the first time you should definitely have a certified lifeguard with you! :D

I had no idea that jumping in would be so hard.  Seriously....it took me something like 15 minutes to just get on the divingboard.  Jumping in?  I think it took the better part of an hour of everyone encouraging me - even giving me verses such as "I can do all things through Christ."  I wanted to jump in.  I could even picture myself jumping in.  Yet I could still feel the chains of fear wrapped around my ankles.  I kept praying that God would help me to jump.  

Do you want to know what finally got me to jump in?  Ray said that if I didn't jump in that he would stop cooking for me.  Go figure.  Have I mentioned what a good cook he is?  Even if sometime snails are on the menu :p.  Anyway, I asked him to count to 3 and after he did I jumped.  There were cheers of joy and as soon as I hit the water Ray swam over and grabbed me before I started panicking. 

After all was said and done it felt great.  I mean, I stayed in a state of shock for the rest of the day.  Kinda like after the first time Ray kissed me....so it was a good kind of shock :).  I've already decided that the next time we go over to our friends' house to swim, I will just jump in.  After that we can work on diving.  One step at a time!

Quick Updates

I still haven't heard anything regarding the reading teacher position at my school, however, I did get my contract for next year and they "accidently" gave me a rather significant raise (over an addition $1/hr).  Don't tell the district :).

Ray is currently working doing roofing/construction for another company.  I'm not sure how long this job will last, but we'll take whatever God provides!

My landlady is agreeing to let me stay another year.  I still haven't signed the new lease yet because we both never seem to be home at the same time.  As far as I know my rent should be staying the same.

The Interview - Behind the Scenes

I believe it was back in March that I found out the reading specialist at my school was retiring.  The teacher I work with suggested that I make an appointment with the principal.  When I met with the principal later that week I explained that I heard that the reading specialist was retiring and that I would like to apply for the position.  My principal responded that the reading specialist position required professional development experience (of which I have none) and that she wasn't even sure if the district was going to hire anyone to fill the position.

Several weeks went by before the position was officially posted on the OLAS website.  I applied online and then casually talked with my principal again letting her know that I had applied and would really appreciate the opportunity for an interview.  Again my principal was noncommital.  The teacher I worked with also said it would be a good idea to go to the superintendent's office and hand her a copy of my resume and cover letter.

When I arrived at the superintendent's office I immediately had to go to her secretary.  Since I've worked in the district for two years I've spoken with her on quite a few occasions about issues such as health insurance.  I explained to the secretary about how I was applying for the position and that I was hoping my resume would get passed along to the superintendent.  The secretary asked if I had any professional development experience and I replied that I didn't have any formal experience.  This didn't go over well.  Basically she told me that if I left my resume with her that she would throw it in the garbage and that I would never get an interview.

You can imagine my suprise then when my school's secretary called to set up an appointment for an interview.  I was given lots of advice on what types of questions the panel would ask (yes, I interviewed with 6 people - the principal, the current reading specialist, 2 teachers, 1 teaching assistant, and a parent).  The interview was to take place on Friday at 3pm.  Not just any Friday, mind you.  It was field day - which would have been exhausting on it's own, but it was also the day after we were down a t.a., we had a sub teacher, and we had our concert.  For field day I had to wear a tie dyed t-shirt and jean capris.  This meant that I also had to bring a change of clothes with me for the interview.

When I went to the office I was handed a chart and a sheet of paper and told that I needed to write an essay stating my observations from the chart and what I would do to remediate the situation.  There's nothing like writing an essay in a school office during dismissal time, let me tell you :).  From there we had to restart the interview a couple of times due to all of the loud announcements being made regarding dismissal.  Of course most of the questions I was asked were nothing like the ones in which I thought they would ask.  Nevertheless everyone was smiling at me through the interview and made comments that made me think I gave some good answers.  As I was leaving I heard one of the teachers comment that it was an excellent interview.

I have no idea if I'll actually get the job because school politics are very tricky.  All I know is that I shouldn't have gotten even an interview and yet God orchestrated that I got one and HE helped me answer the questions despite being exhausted, so if by some miracle I do end up being offered the position I will know without a doubt that it is where God wants me - even if I'm not entirely confident that I'm qualified for the position.

Thought on Change

I often marvel on how similar I am to my students.  Seriously.  Austic children have a very low tolerance to change.  While over the years I've become better at going along with the flow of life, I've yet to fully embrace change with any sort of positive attitude.  Usually I experience sadness and anxiety, no matter how good the change will be.  It's sort of like watching the skies grow darker and hearing the thunder get louder as you're out doing errands without an umbrella.  That sense of dread as you realize that any moment now the downpour will be released from the heavens and you're going to get soaked.

Normally my weekly schedule is on the insane side.  It is so routine however that it doesn't seem overwhelming in the least.  Unfortunately this weekend I ran over a nail.  I had actually started pulling out of the laundromat's parking lot when I noticed that something wasn't right with the car.  Thankfully I was 5 minutes away from Ray's house, God protected me while driving, I didn't have any children in my car or anywhere I needed to immediately be, and Ray's an expert at changing my flat tires since I have a habit of running over things (like nails and curbs).  Of course on a Saturday evening there isn't anyone open, so I didn't travel far on my donut and fully anticipated getting a new tire today (also very grateful for having available funds in my account).  Unfortunately my tires aren't as easy to get as one might think.  Sears actually had a tire that may have worked, but it wasn't entirely recommended and it would have cost $150.  This means that I need to go to my mechanic tomorrow.....at 7am.  Ick. Ick. Ick.  I'm thinking of shortening my morning routine a bit so that I don't have to get out of bed at 5am.  In addition, I'm not sure whether my mechanic will have my tire in stock that early in the morning so he may need my car for the day.  This means either calling a taxi (which I really don't see spending the money on) or taking the bus and walking to work.  On the plus side it'll get in the excercise I never get scheduled into my life :). 

Yep, so far Monday is going to be more complicated than I'd like.  On Wednesday I have a guest coming to stay with me for a week.  She's someone from my church who is between housing options and is currently couch hopping.  This brings up many concerns: Will my landlady be upset?, how will she get along with my cats?, how will our schedules conflict?, what potential personality conflicts will there be?  How much stuff is she bringing and where is it going to go?  So many questions and so few answer.  Now I'm sure things will be fine, but it's a little nerve-wracking. 

On Thursday I'm going with my class on a field trip to the Bronx Zoo, which would be exhasting enough except that I'm also supposed to pick Jeremy up from his school in NJ which I've only driven to once and then get him to social group back in Valley Cottage.  I definitely think a scheduled coffee stop is in order! :D

This is all of the things I know of....who knows what else will go on this week.  With all of that said, I'm choosing trust in God over fear of the unknown.  He will be my strength when I am weak, my Peace which passes all understanding, and my Hope when things look bleak.

"For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth."  Psalm 71:5

"Everything is possible for him who believes."  Mark 9:23

"Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face evermore!" 1 Chronicles 16:11

"Trust in Him at all times you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."  Psalm 62:8

Vacation

 With the help of my parents, Ray and I were able to get away this Memorial Day weekend and go to Ocean City, NY.   I've grown up vacationing in Ocean City so many times that it feels like a second home.  Usually we do the motel/hotel route, but this year my parents splurged and rented a house for two weeks!  Ray and I drove down the Friday before Memorial Day since I had the day off (soooo thankful for unused snow days!) and came back late Monday.  My parents, my brother, and his girlfriend all stayed the entire week.  Here are some photos

There were some rather tricky shots



Elissa, Steve, Ray and me





 In addition to going to the beach and playing mini golf we also celebrated Elissa's birthday, went bike riding on the boardwalk, drank lots of lemonade, and learned some new games.  Ray and I also went to the amusement park where he got me to go on a flume ride that I had never been on before, the double shot (a ride that straps you in with your feet dangling and shoots you up a tremendous height in under 30 seconds, but does it to you 2x), the swings which spin and tilt, and my first rollercoaster.  To be blatantly honest, the rollercoaster was one of those "tame" ones that doesn't do much of anything except go somewhat fast and we were the only adults on it and I was the only one having a mini panic attack on the line.  The 8 year olds love it.  Me?  Well, I was just happy that I survived :).  Ray's next goal is to get me on a rollercoaster that goes upside down.  (we'll see about that!) It should also be noted that all of these new rides were introduced to me over the course of two days because Ray is very patient with me and my anxiety revolving around rides that spin, go fast, leave you hanging, and/or bring you to great heights.  All in all, it was a very nice vacation.  I only wish it had been longer....

Some Quick Updates

I realized that I've neglected to post any updates regarding our employment situations.  Unfortunately Ray didn't end up getting the job he was hoping for :(.  He's back to step 1.  What he'd really like to do is have his own business where he can be creative and build things for people.  He has many ideas, but figuring out how to turn them into a successful business is going to take some time (and probably money).

As for me, I did finish all of the cover letters I needed to get done and I applied for the reading teacher position at my school.  I even approached my principal as to letting me have an opportunity to interview.  She was noncommital about it and since she's not a fan of change, it is most likely that she'll keep me in my current position.  I also recently submitted my resume to HeadStart - at a different location that where I used to work.  Even if God has me stay in the same position as I'm in now my job would still be changing because the teacher I'm working with going to be teaching the current kindergarten class, so I definitely won't be bored! :)  It'll be interesting to see where God has me this September and how God will be guiding Ray over the next few months.

We both appreciate your continued prayers!

The Story of How I Ate Slugs

Yes....it's really true.  No, I don't have any pictures.  I was told my face was priceless though. 

We invited two of our friends over to dinner at my place so that they could visit and see the counter Ray built me.  Since Ray also loves to cook he was in charge of planning the meal.  Letting Ray cook dinner goes something like this: 

We go to the store and I help Ray gather his ingredients.  This could take anywhere from an hour to maybe 2 or 3 depending on whether or not he has an idea already in mind and how bizarre the ingredients for the meal are.  Let me tell you, if you want to find roasted onion garlic jam you better be prepared to go to several different stores. 

Then we come home and put groceries away and prep the kitchen.  I may ask what we're having for dinner, but the answer is usually "you'll see".

Usually I know all the ingredients needed ahead of time.  On this particular night, however, Ray managed to sneak the can labeled "Snails" into the grocery cart.  He sent me on an errand while we were checking out so that by the time I got back everything was in bags.  He also found some time to remove the can BEFORE I got to putting the groceries away.  I did manage to see the can on the counter during food prep and made a comment about it.  I don't really remember what he said, but I honestly didn't think too much about the can because I was preoccupied with cleaning.

One would think that if you're having dinner guests that the food you serve would be something they'd like to eat.  Upon entering the living room Ray told us all that he's going to try the appetizer first since he's never made it before and has never eaten it before.  That's when I remembered the can...of snails.  Being the hostess I couldn't exactly react how I wanted to react - which was gagging.  It didn't help that in my bowl was three things that looked exactly like snails.  Ray was so proud of himself for making them and after tasting them he said it was like eating shrimp scampi. I was highly doubtful.   After much hesitation, our guests ate theirs and declared them chewy and somewhat salty, but otherwise good.  I was still less than enthusiastic.  I had to close my eyes as I put one in my mouth.  It did have the consistency of shrimp, I'll give him that much.   Unfortunately I kept picturing a living snail in my mind.  It didn't help that I was told I was eating slugs since the snails didn't have their shells attached.  Good grief.  I thought eating one slug would be okay.  Then Ray looked at me and said something to the effect of whether I was going to eat the other two.  And so I ate the other two - with my eyes closed of course.

Thankfully this was the hardest part of the meal for me.  Ray then brought out a wonderful salad, meat, and baked potatoes.  We had a moose chocolate cake for dessert.  Overall it was a very nice night and I think I can honestly say that I'm getting better at trying new foods.  Although should I ever happen to eat in a restuarant serving escargot, I will probably opt for a different appetizer.

Although I don't have a picture, I did find one on google images which most closely resembled what I ate:

Why I Don't Follow a Budget

If I had a nickle for everytime someone told me the value of creating and sticking to a budget I'd be rich....ok, well maybe it hasn't been that often.  :)  I've heard wonderful stories of people who started using a budget and after a few years they were able to get out of debt.  I'm not doubting the sincerety of their stories or the value of a budget.  I'm just not quite sure that budgets and I get along.

My bank has a webpage that actually shows me exactly how I am spending my money.   When I look at it I have two options.  I can either get depressed about my situation or rejoice because God is faithful and provides for me.  I'm choosing the latter.  This is what the past month and a half have looked like so far.
April: money in $1,663.49
           money out $2,862.15

deficit: -$1,198.66

May (to date) money in $1,060.84
                        money out $1,193.39

deficit: -$132.55

On paper/computer screen this looks really bad and you might be tempted to judge me as spending my money in frivolous ways.  I'm sure I could justify my spending habits because I honestly believe that I mostly have good habits when it comes to spending money.  However this post isn't about that.  It is about showing how God provides.  You see, despite the negative numbers God has provided money for rent, car insurance, the car payment, and my credit card payment.  I don't understand how He does it, but I don't have to.  All I'm required to do is trust that He will continue to provide for my monthly needs.

My Strength Comes from God Alone

I love to read.  I especially love to read books aimed at helping me be a better person and have a better relationship with God.  Sometimes life throws you for an insane loop and there aren't any books to help  you know what to do.  I'm a planner and sometimes more than anything I want a plan.  I want the "right" words to say and I want to know the exact way to fix something or help someone.

I don't want to go into all the details, but between me working 3 jobs, Ray's unemployment struggles, and the passing of Ray's close friend due to cancer things are....well....stressful.  So I'm turning to the only book that can help: The Bible.

"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:7

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.  From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I."  Psalm 61:1-2

"In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.  Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.  Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress....For you have been my hope, O Soverign Lord, my confidence since my youth."  Psalm 71 1-3,5

So, if you think of it please pray for us during this rough season.  I know that this will pass and that I  need to take things one day at a time, leaning heavily on God and His Word for my strength.

A "Typical" Day/Week

I really enjoyed reading Steph's post on indiansandpirates about how she spent her day so I thought I'd try to give my reader's a glimpse into my life as well.  Weekday mornings my routine stays pretty much the same.

5:50am - My radio turns on and I register that I'm listening to the news.  I try to wake my mind up enough so that I can listen to what the weather will be.  Most days it's a lost cause :).

6:05 - My cell phone alarm rings.  I shut it off and tell myself I need to get up now.

6:08 - My body agrees with my mind and I get out of bed :).  I proceed to take a shower, praying that the hot water will stay on as this isn't a guarantee.  For some strange reason I find that there is more hot water when the weather is warmer and less when the weather is colder.  Go figure.

7:00 - I start boiling water for oatmeal and pour a cup of coffee.  I sit down to read devotions, followed by catching up with the world of fb, reading interesting articles in the Journal News (online edition), and checking the weather and email.

7:35 - Put on makeup, put breakfast away, do some dishes, pack lunch for school, feed the cats, fill up my thermos with coffee, clean out the cats litter box, make sure I have everything ready for the day.

8:15 - Leave for school

8:40ish - Arrive at school

8:40 - 12:30: Usually the students start off in 3 groups of reading and writing activities and I work with one group.  There are rotations of the groups and we combine with the kindergarten self contatined class @11am.  At 12pm we take the kids outside for recess.

12:30 - My lunch break.  I either sit in my car and read or make phone calls or I get some errands done.

1:15 - Go back to school.  The kids are now working in math centers.  At 2pm they have snack and at 2:30 we go to special (gym, art, or music).

3:15 - I leave school.

Here's where everything kind of changes.

On some Mondays I stay in school until 4:30 for meetings.  Otherwise I go straight to the chiropractors and then I'm free for the evening to do whatever.  I LOVE these days!

TUES/WED/THURS - I pick Jeremy up from his after school program at 3:45.  I get hime home by 4pm.  He takes the dog out and I get his snack, meds, and my coffee ready.  As I side note: I LOVE that his parents own a kurig and I can make as much coffee as I want and eat whatever I find in the pantry.  We either have tennis, counseling (a 30-40min one way commute), or OT/social group (a 20-25 min one way commute). 

TUES - Leave Jeremy's house @6:30.  Sometime's I go to dinner at my friend's Nancy's house.  Othertimes I go to a 7pm movie with Ray, and sometimes I get this night to myself.

WED - Leave Jeremy's house @7pm.   Usually I'm free after this point.

THURS - Leave Jeremy's house @7:15pm, try to make it to small group by 7:30ish.  Group can last until 9 or 9:30pm.

FRI - Go to the chiropractor's by 3:45 and I have the night FREE!!!!  Woo Hoo!!

7:30 is usually when I start making dinner and I'm eating by 8pm.  If I have any errands to run after leaving Jeremy's then dinner is obviously later.  After 8:30 I'm usually spending some time on the computer, washing dishes, starting lunch prep for the next day, making sure the coffee maker is ready to go for the next morning.  Every now and then I can get into bed @10:30pm, but usually I'm in bed between 11 and 11:30pm.  Tues nights and Thurs night tend to be nights that I make it to bed between 12 and 12:30am.

Cover Letters

Tis the season....the resume and cover letter season that is!  It seems that school districts advertise numerous job postings during the months of April and May.  There's a website that I go on which allows me to click on a specific job and upload my resume and job specific cover letter to them.  Although the cover letter is optional, it is much better to include it.  Not that this has landed me an "actual" teaching job (it is my opinion that I do actually teach, I just don't receive the salary or benefits....oh, and I don't have to do lesson plans or conferences).  Normally the process is one in which I do my best to put a coherent and personal letter together in the midst of my crazy schedule - you know, somewhere around midnight after I've been working 10-12 hours.  Reminds me of college except that I never get to see my grades.

This week, however, I'm attempting something a little different.  The district in which I currently work for is looking for a reading teacher with prior professional development experience.  I possess the credentials, minus the experience part.  The teacher I work with is highly supportive of me applying for the position.  I have already expressed interest in the position to my principal, but at the time the position wasn't listed as available.  The position was recently listed on the website and my job this week is to not only apply, but to write a cover letter that conveys my current strengths/skills for this particular position to the superintendant.  Considering that I'm not entirely sure that I'm capable of doing this job ("Hi, my name is Carol and I'm a pessimist.") this task seems quite daunting.  So....if you think of it, please pray for the right words to write and time in which to write this.

As a side note: In case you're wondering about Ray's job situation, I wish I had an answer. There has been some unexpected delays.  Hey, no news is good news, right?  Regardless of the answer, I know that God knows our hearts and dreams better than even we do and that He ALWAYS has our best interests at stake.  He can also make the seemingly impossible possible. 

Trying to Stay Focused

Today I caught myself anticipating the future.  For those of you who don't know, Ray lost his job about a month ago.  About a week and a half ago an opportunity presented itself for a job to open up managing the buildings and grounds at an apartment complex in the area.  Now, although Ray doesn't have any paid experience in this particular field, he enjoys working with his hands and improving the conditions of buildings and grounds (hence the elaborate kitchen remodel awhile back).  Fortunately the person he interviewed with is someone that Ray knows - definitely a benefit in these situations.  Ray passed the mechanical/tool test he was given with flying colors and his name has been passed on with a high recommendation to the supervisors of the complex.  Hopefully he'll get hired sometime next week.  Oh....did I tell you that a benefit of this job is that after 3 months he'll be offered a free apartment with utilies included?  Nice, right?   There's also the strong possibility of taking on a supervisory position after 6 months, but let's not get ahead of ourselves...... :)

Anyway, the possibility of a steady income lures me into fantasizing and wondering if maybe, just maybe, there'll be enough money to purchase a ring and perhaps this time next year I could be either planning a wedding or possibly even starting the process of moving into his apartment (after we're married of course).   Just when I start picturing what I hope may be reality, I'm reminded to STOP.

Because I need to live and focus on the present.

I'm not saying that I'm not hopeful, but I need to be careful not to get caught up in the fantasy because things don't tend to go exactly as I plan and God's timing has never really matched up with my timing. The job may fall through or finances may be needed for things other than a symbolic piece of jewelry.  Today, however, I'm choosing to trust God and His timing because even if things don't turn out the way I anticipate, God is still good and He knows my needs and desires even better than I do.

This Week

This week I've:

Listen as a terrified girl is afraid to go home at night because her mom is mean but is also afraid of being taken away from everything she knows (there is an open investigation)

Had a student find a bunch unidentified pills that he found on the rockingchair.  Thankfully our nonverbal student who eats anything didn't find them first.

Been embarrased as several boys discussed how they can only marry girls in front of a parent who will be marrying his gay partner in June.

Gotten a text that one of our buses was in a minor accident.  The kids were very shaken up, but no one was injured.

Had a conversation with the boy I babysit about how I don't know where autism and tourett's syndrome come from, I'm not sure why there was a forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, Eve probably ate the apple because she didn't trust that God's way was the best way, yes: God is stronger than the devil ever will be, God doesn't make mistakes with how He creates people, and he can talk with God anytime about anything.  FYI: the boy I watch is autistic, has touretts and ADD, and is Jewish.

Thankfully tomorrow is the last day of school for a little while. :D

March Update

Goodness, it's hard to believe that we're 3 weeks away from Easter break.  The warm weather is definitely helping though!  We've had extra recess nearly every day for the past week in addition to having music classes outside. 

Although the weather is cooperating I wish I could say things at school were going as smoothly.  Before I get into prayer requests though, I'll start with the praises :)

1. The Spanish speaking kindergarten student who used to run away has been very cooperative and more talkative lately.

2. My dyslexic student got an 80% on her last spelling test which was a huge accomplishment for her.

3. K has been initiating 4 word sentences with the correct word order.  For example, he now says "Can I clean up?"  instead of "clean up?" or "can clean I up?"

Prayer Requests:

1. C. is continuing his agressive behavior to the point that at his meeting on April 2nd there will be a discussion as to placing him in an ED (emotionally disturbed) school.  In addition to threats, C. has also been telling the boys in our class that it's ok to love other boys, kiss them, and marry them.  Some of the boys agree and others don't.  It's a touchy subject to address since C.'s dads are getting married this summer.

2. My dyslexic student has been revealing alot about her home life.  Unfortunately the school psychologist has already called CPS once and the mom got very upset, so there is alot of hesitation to call them again.  Today my student came to school at noon all by herself in a taxi.  Mom had given the driver some money in advance.  This 8 years old girl has 3 other siblings by 2 other fathers.  Both her mom and dad are severely learning disabled and mom got pregnant with her oldest daughter (now 11yrs old) when she was 14.  Please pray that this lovely girl doesn't go down the same road and that she gets the help she so desperately needs.

3. The budget is being presented tonight so by tomorrow we'll know how many teachers and assistants will get laid off this year.  My guess is that I'll be one of them again.

Hope

The Background: I've always struggled with friendships.  I have a naturally introverted personality and add to that a dysfunctional childhood, the number of people I grew up with calling "friends" was limited.    It is a very long story, but sometime after college I began attending a church in the area and over time I did form some very close friendships there.  The church was very small, so by 2009 I was less a part of a congregation and more a part of a close family.

That's when my world starting crumbling.  A devestrating sudden death, followed by the move of my closest friend left the church shaken.  Another elder left suddenly and we were faced with the very real possibility of closing.  We reached out to the Christian and Missionary Alliance for help.  It was proposed that we "merge" with another CMA congregation.  Although this proposal seemed somewhat scary, it also seemed like it was our only hope - and we desperately needed some new people who weren't burnt out.  I was one of the ones in favor of the change and tried to encourage others towards this course.  In theory this was the perfect solution.

The Reality:  Unfortunately the reality was harder than any of us expected.  There was miscommunication, misunderstanding, and a whole lot of hurt.  By the fall of 2011 practically everyone that attended the original church, and whom I considered my family, had left.  Ray and I continued to attend services there because we didn't feel that God wanted us to leave.  However, we went halfheartedly because (1) the "new" church had a very different type of worship service than we were used to (2) we had been removed from ministry when the other congregation took over and (3) we honestly didn't know anyone really well, and besides, they were the ones that "took over" and intentionally or unintentionally drove our friends away.  Now I realize that I could have reached out to people and tried to form new relationships, but being hurt and having an introverted personality meant that most days all I wanted to do was leave church as quickly as possible.  I have to admit that Sundays were more like a day of torture than a day of worshiping God.

The Present: The church is currently doing a study which involves getting together in small groups. They did this during the fall as well, however, the groups would get together during different times of the week and at various homes.  Neither Ray nor I were able to attend any due to our work schedules.  This time, however, we meet as a congregation on Sunday evenings for a meal, watch a video together, and then break up into small groups.  Often I would come away from these times very sad because I still felt lonely and out of place. I barely talked with anyone and the people I did speak with I didn't feel a sense of connection. Last Sunday, however, was VERY different.

Sunday: The college girls who are in my small group were on break.  This meant that my group consisted of women closer to my age and who are going through similiar situations.  One of the women is from another congregation, but her boyfriend attends our church.  She felt led to share how she was struggling leaving her church family.  That opened the door for me to share how I had been feeling about our church's transition. Not in a negative way, but in an honest way.  The group lasted much longer than the alloted time, but in the end the Holy Spirit had somehow healed the hurt that I had been feeling and allowed me to connect with the other women in my group.  Not that they can replace the friendships that I used to have at church, but it gave me a sense of hope.  Hope that a new journey is beginning with new friendships.

Vacation

This week I've been on vacation.  I was recently asked what I do when I have some free time - which is very rare.  I used to spend vacations traveling, but I haven't been able to do that in years.  So, in case you're also curious how I spend a week off, here's what I've done so far: sleep in until 9 or 10am, go to the mall, go to the doctor for a routine checkup, schedule another dr appt, call Albany and try to figure out how to apply for a time extension on my literacy certificate, watch movies, clean, babysit, tutor, apply for jobs starting in September, attempt to catch up with friends, and read.  Just to clarify the cleaning bit - I do clean on a regular basis, but the cleaning I do on vacation involves dusting, mopping, vacuuming up cobwebs, and putting snowmen decorations away; a process that also invloves organizing the crawl space housing all things seasonal :(.  It's not highly exciting, but it has been very nice to go at a more leisurely pace instead of the constant running around I normally do :)

Announcement

In case you haven't been on facebook, or didn't see the update I have posted pictures of the kitchen project I've alluded to in previous posts :).  Just go to my page and look for the album titled "The Kitchen Project".

Regaining Peace

My mind spins endlessly

The what-ifs of life tumbling around
cluttering my mind,
leaving little room for peace.
Exhaustion envelops me
a familiar shawl weighing me down
yet sleep eludes me.

Anxious habits are hard to break

I need to let go; let God.
Scriptual phrases break into jumbled thoughts
like lightning illuminating the night.
“Do not worry...”
“Do not be anxious...”
“I am with you...”
“I will not forsake you...”
A calming mantra pushing out the worry.

I take a breath

release my fears
drift into sleep.

Restraining at Recess

I realize that many of my classroom stories seem a little unreal, possibly even cruel.  Yet this is the reality of my day and I wouldn't restrain a "typical" child because chances are they aren't going to start kicking, biting, or spitting at me.  Sometimes, like today, I'm not even sure why I'm restraining the child.  I just happen to be helping another assistant sit her student out at recess.  Turns out he had punched her.  He was being uncooperative to say the least.

Restraining can be hard work, but today it seemed much harder than usual because it was recess.  This meant that there were kids everywhere.  And so, while I was navigating the child's upper body into a less threatening pose (hands behind back so he could stop hitting/scratching - while forcing him into a sitting position) and the other assistant held his legs (to keep from kicking) we had the added element of another austic child getting in between us and on top of the child we were restraining because he wanted to know what was going on.  As we're telling the curiosity seeker to back off, another 5 year old jumps on my back because he figures we must be playing tackle football or something.  Sheesh. 

Once we got child #1 seated, child #2 off my back, and the curisosity seeker elsewhere engaged I was then tapped on the back by a student wanting to play tag with me.  I told him I was a little busy.  Followed by another student telling me that one of our mainstreamed kids had done a great job in art.

All I'm saying is that it was a busy 20 min :D

Discouragement

For many years I fought the battle of depression and anxiety.  Thankfully I haven't had a major depressive episode in a long time and although I still fight anxiety, the battle isn't nearly as intense as it used to be.  These days my major battle is with discouragement.

Discouragement comes in many forms. Some of these forms include not getting as much done in the morning before work as I had planned, working later than I thought, children who regress in their behavior and/or have seemingly little academic improvement, thinking I'm going to have an early evening but actually getting home much later than intended, not being able to get into bed before midnight for several nights in a row, not being able to sleep in on a Sat morning, not spending a lot of time with Ray due to our hectic and often opposite work schedules, forgetting items at the store requiring me to go back to the store and repurchase them, extremely tight finances, or having a migraine after being migraine free for 15+ days. 

Usually if one or even two of the above mentioned occur I can remain sane.  When more than two discouraging things happen in a day, or even a week, I find it harder and harder to keep a healthy perspective.  Thankfully I haven't had all of the above hit at once, but I've been close.  During these times I have a choice: I can either cave to the discouraging circumstances around me which can lead to another fight with depression or I can turn to Scripture and thank God for the many blessings He has given me. 

These blessing include being much healthier than in past years, having enough money at the moment to pay next months rent, having some money in a savings account, having a working car for all the driving I do, for the rare dates I do go on with Ray, that Ray has steady work for the next month, that I'm finally actually seeing the progress of my kitchen renovation (yay for not having to constantly sweep up sawdust! :D ), for the moments in which I do see my students master something that once seemed impossible, getting a solid night's sleep even if it is less than 6 or 7 hours, and seeing answers to my prayers.

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

January update

The last time I wrote about my class I was rather stressed out by their regression.  Thankfully we've started the new year on a different note.  We not only changed the routine up but we also changed the layout of the room in order to accomodate a new center: the Wii.  Yes, we actually have a wii in our classroom.  I don't know if it was the fact that the students have come off of their "holiday high", they've adjusted to our attention being spread out, or they just really enjoy having the wii as a reward center.  Whatever the cause my students have seemed to come back to "normal". 

This doesn't mean that there aren't temper tantrums, whining, and days when it seems like all of my students push every button and get on my last nerve (we had one of those days today).  Overall their behaviors have improved.

Some prayer requests regarding the students:

- A new Spanish speaking student in the kindergarten class who is exhibiting challenging behaviors.  Not only is there a language barrier, but his dad had recently been deported.  He has a tendancy to run either out of the classroom or try to run out of the building.  On the plus side, he keeps us in shape! :)

- We haven't had the time/staff to work with J. on speech.  He still says "eat" from time to time, but he has become less clear and less motivated to attempt speaking.

- L.'s mom has been getting more and more out of control with her drinking.  She hasn't been arrested yet, but probably will be one day.  L. constantly comes late to school and continues to exhibit bursts of anger.  Thankfully we have had to restrain him for shorter periods of time before he cooperates with our directions.

- C. has been getting more and more angry/agressive and talking about hurting/killing others.  At the moment he isn't getting the help he so desperately needs and the school psychologist believes that if he continues going down this path that he'll either end up in jail or the psy ward.  Please pray that his dads will stop being in denial and get their son proper therapy.

I wish I had gotten a picture of "Chippy" before we captured him - oh well.  I especially wished I had had my camera when I walked into my bedroom and saw Meiska and him sitting next to each other.  Meiska has a personality which makes her want to befriend all types of animals.  I'm glad she doesn't live outdoors or she'd never survive!

In case you're wondering who Chippy is, he is a chipmunk who came to live with me for a few days.  I discovered him when a rustling sound woke me up in the middle of Tuesday night.  I usually lock my cats out of the bedroom while I'm sleeping, so at first I thought maybe Jekyll had somehow gotten into my room and was misbehaving again.  I keep a flashlight near my bed for such occasions.  When I shone it around the room however, what I saw made me sit straight up and nearly scream.  There was a chipmunk sitting on my laundry basket.  He quickly ran away to another corner of my bedroom.  Ray let the cats in to investigate.  Jekyll immediately smelled Chippy and kept him cornered under a nightstand.  Since it was after 3am we decided it would be best to just let the cats stand guard.  Believe me, I hardly got any sleep that night.

Ray spent the next day working on my apartment while Jekyll kept watch over Chippy and I went to work.  The next night I barely heard any sounds, but around 4am there ensued a game of "tag" between Jekyll and Chippy.  I didn't get up to see what was happening, but I kept having visions of finding a dead chipmunk in the morning.  The next night went similarly, but this time I was awake enough to see the game of tag.  Chippy was getting bold enough to jump on the bed (thankfully I wasn't in it).  I saw him leap from my garment rack, climb up my dresser and onto the printer.  Only I would have a chipmunk with ninja-like abilities.  Meiska was sitting next to the printer at the time so I thought Chippy might be captured right then and there, but the two of them just sat there like old pals.  Goodness.

Ray finally managed to capture Chippy late Friday night.  Chippy was on top of my garment rack and Ray was able to cover him with his hand until I got a tupperware container.  Chippy almost escaped except that I store the plastic that goes over your dry cleaning on top of the rack and in his attempt to escape managed to get tangled in that.  Ray put Chippy in the tupperware container and carried him outside.  At first I was concerned that Chippy would remember how to get back in, but we've made it through the weekend chipmunk-free :D.

My Birthday

My birthday passed a couple of weeks ago and there's really not a whole lot to say on the matter.  I spent New Year's Eve hanging out with friends, woke up late on my birthday, spent the day browsing at the mall, had dinner with Ray and his parents, and ended the night watching a movie with Ray.  It was a fairly good birthday, but the part that I especially appreciated was the cake.  It was the one request I gave Ray.  Lately his time has been consumed between working on a kitchen project in my apartment (pics and details will be posted after completion) and working with his friend on a major remodeling job.  Needless to say I have no idea when he had time to make me a cake.  And not just any cake - a double layer chocolate cake with a peanut butter filling, chocolate frosting with peanut butter drizzle, and a border of mini reeces peanut butter cups.

I should have taken a picture before he cut it.  This is what it looked like after the majority had been eaten and some of the frosting had somehow melted, but hopefully you get the idea.  It was delicious!