I have a dangerous habit I'm working on breaking this year. I have the habit of either focusing too much on the past or the future. I'm not talking about reminiscing about a happy memory or eagerly anticipating an upcoming event. My issue is that I get caught up in the failures and mistakes I've made or worry about how hard something might be. Take my career for example. Since the 4th grade I've had this desire to be a teacher. I would fantasize about what it would be like. I went to school and accumulated debt over this dream. I'm not where I thought I would be. I am getting calls for interviews, which is significant since this is the first time it's happened in several years. I'm not the best at interviewing so I often replay the interview afterwards and beat myself up over how I could have, or should have, answered a particular question. Then there's the whole intonation and facial expression aspect. Did I sound too excited? Not excited enough? Did I appear overly nervous? This is followed by the looming question of "what if they offer me the job"? How will this impact my life? Will I be able to handle the pressure? The commute? How will my relationship with Ray change?
I've started reading two books recently which have impacted me and forced me to take a closer look into my thought life. Author Aimee Raupp of Yes, You Can Get Pregnant emphasizes being mentally and emotionally ready before getting pregnant by letting go. She writes "Letting go is about surrendering, it is about being easy on yourself, it is about accepting where you are, and it is about believing that you are doing the best you can do an all that you desire is coming to you." Later she writes "If you tell everyone about your fertility struggles, you become that person that everyone sees as the one who is struggling with fertility. Alternatively, you can tell a better story, a fertility-rejuvenated positive story, and you will shift your life in that direction. You can create your reality through recreating your story. In each moment we have the choice to see the situation the way we choose to see it." John Ortberg writes about Dallas Willard's philosophy in Soul Keeper when during a conversation about advice for a new pastor Willard said "Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. The most important thing in your life is not what you do; it's who you become."
Life is a process; a journey. When it comes to things like my career or planning a family I need to be diligent about focusing on the present. Am I where I want to be? No. Am I where I was? No. Am I on this journey alone? Absolutely not! God is refining me through this process and teaching me things right now that I will need for the future. I have had setbacks to be sure, but I will not get stuck in them. Whether I remain a teaching assistant, take a teaching job in the city, get my dream job as a teacher somewhere in Rockland or Westchester, decide to move elsewhere, or whether I have children naturally, with the help of an IVF doctor, or through adoption God knows exactly where He wants me and how He wants my family to look like. My job, this present moment, is to look at my circumstances with joy and quiet my soul so that I can hear God's next directive when it comes.
